


On love: Monster

by Oceanwhirl



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Drama, Heartbroken Yuri, Kazakh cuisine, Lots of tears, M/M, Otabek's weird music taste, Too thoughtful Otabek, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, actually Yuri is 16 so it's okay, not suitable for sensitive people I guess, rated for reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-10-14 09:53:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 83,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10534056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oceanwhirl/pseuds/Oceanwhirl
Summary: Otabek's POV: After Yuri won gold Otabek's life returns to normal. The fairytale for the Russian skater doesn't last long though, so Otabek who considered himself isolated back in Kazakhstan suddenly finds himself the only person Yuri opens up to. (I did some research on the shady sides of figure skating, you'll know what I mean after some chapters). Cross-posted on ff.net. Don't read if you don't like drama, like, honestly it gets worse towards the end.Revised up to Chapter 10 by 05/18





	1. On love: Intruder

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I'm in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. Also, all additional characters are purely fictional, any resemblance with any person living or deceased is unintentional. Please keep in mind that I'm just a fingirl lazily browsing the internet for any background knowlegde neccessary for this fanfiction, so there is most likely wrong information included in the story. Don't ever consider anything written here true.

I do not intend to insult or hurt people with my work, so there are some warnings that contain heavy **SPOILER** s though(don't read this if you are fine with anything, those will ruin the story if you read them, but I need to include them just in case): If you are sensitive to the following subjects, you should not read this story: ((( ~~eating disorders, mentions of child abuse, mentions of drug abuse/doping, issues of Russian society and administration~~ )))

 

 

Chapter 1. On love: Intruder

 

Otabek Altin, 19, from Almaty, Kazakhstan, had never been good with people to begin with. If his personal f-word was „friends“, then his s-word was „socializing“. His behavior was grumpy all over to the extent that he had been compared to a certain cat from the internet with a similar facial expression. He sure had his fans, but those certainly didn‘t like him for him letting them come close or interfere with his private life. He kept his distance and unlike Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki and especially Phichit „eternal sunshine“ Chulanont he had a quiet life outside the rink. He was grateful for that, as he appreciated a peaceful everyday life. And it wasn‘t that he didn‘t occasionally smile. Those occasions just happened to be rare. It wasn’t really his fault.

Thinking back to the finals made him smile sometimes. On holidays or on the weekend he used to sit down in his small but cozy living room, have a cup of tea and listen to some music and sometimes, when the mood was right and the song was playful, he noticed his lips were curving upwards, just a little and he could stare out of the window but not see the gray sky but the icy dust brushed up into the cold air by the blades and the hands raised in ambition and that white gold hair floating around _his_ face. Yuri Plisetsky had had a halo on the ice back then and Otabek couldn’t help but dream about how absolutely flawless the Russian fairy’s performance had been. He would never be able to get close to the gold medal himself with that sort of god around, he knew that, and still Yuri’s performance had inspired him to improve his own skating, to make it not only technically perfect, but probably make even a grumpy person smile a little. It was for that memories he had never quite understood how people could call Yuri a monster. Sure, he was skating like he was out of his mind and at that early age too, but whenever Otabek thought about it, the only thing he could think of Yuri as was something divine.

When Otabek came home from the skating hall this wednesday, it had started to snow again. He was relieved when he was under the shower that warmed him up after the walk from the bus stop that was two blocks from his apartment. It was formally spring already but this year the cold seemed to stick to the mountains and lurk in the valleys and the snowfall would start to affect the traffic soon if it didn’t stop over night. He decided not to go out to eat but to prepare something simple from the ingredients he had at home.

He wasdone with cabbage and beef and only waiting for the potatoes to be ready, when he heard the doorbell ring. It was already dark outside. He didn’t expect any guests - of course he didn’t, he hadn’t even dried his hair - so he put on a frown and went to open the door. He was confused when he saw the blonde hair. He was even more confused when he noticed that _he_ was not only here for some reason, but something was clearly wrong with him. Yuri stared at him intensely, but not with the usual gloomy expression, and when he finally said something, it wasn’t “What the hell took you so long opening a fucking door” or something along those lines but: “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have showed up like that.”

Otabek didn’t respond, he just stepped aside to let Yuri in, who was shivering from the cold although he was wearing a warm looking coat and a fluffy scarf with the obvious snow leopard pattern. The fairy thanked him in an awkwardly hushed voice and put down his small suitcase, before Otabek, still in only T-shirt and jersey pants, helped him out of his coat. When it hung from the hall stand alongside the scarf, Yuri spoke again and his behavior got even weirder, when he just said “I’m really sorry to intrude all of a sudden, if you want me to go somewhere else-”

Otabek didn’t let him finish. “Let’s go to the kitchen, I will have some tea ready”, he interrupted him.

Yuri nodded and followed him in silence.

It was only a few moments to the kitchen, but Otabek’s thoughts were running wild. What could’ve brought the other to his place? They hadn’t been in really close contact to each other since the finals a few months ago and although they had considered themselves being friends, Otabek hadn’t had the urge to get closer to Yuri than he had been in Barcelona. It had been okay for him. They’d see each other at competitions and occasionally hang out or go to have a coffee together, but that was all there was to it, at least from what Otabek had planned. And now that! Yuri was not only here without letting him know beforehand, he was acting weirder than weird! Something drastic must have happened.

“Sit down”, he said and gestured towards one of the two chairs at the kitchen table. He switched on the kettle and turned towards Yuri after reducing the potatoes’ heat so the water didn’t boil anymore. Yuri was staring at the table’s wooden surface and it took Otabek a moment to come up with what was hopefully the right thing to say. “Before you tell me why you are here, I want to make clear that it is okay. You must have a reason and I will let you stay as long as you want to.”

Yuri’s eyes rose and he exhaled slowly and just then Otabek figured what pressure Yuri must have felt. When he saw Yuri smile, just a little, he was glad he had said it that way.

“Thank you.”

He nodded in response and fetched his cup and an unused one for Yuri and filled it with a bag of black tea each. The kettle clicked and he poured hot water into the mugs, then going to the table and sitting down after handing Yuri his tea. The fairy wrapped his slender fingers around the porcelain and Otabek wondered if it wasn’t too hot, but didn’t notice a change on Yuri’s face who had returned to stare at the table. The steam rising from the hot water blurring Otabek’s vision made the blonde boy look even more like a fairy than usual.

“I didn’t know where else to go”, Yuri began hesitating and the sound of his voice sent chills down Otabek’s spine. He sounded so vulnerable. “I found that although everyone pretends to be my friend the only person I can be frank with is probably you. Because when you said that we are alike back then in Barcelona, I thought the same. Just that you are way more mature than I am. You are so grown up, you don’t let your feelings puppeteer you like you are a total jerk. I admire you for how you handle everything. Like just now, everyone else would have asked me what’s going on even before letting me in their house but you even managed to calm me down. That’s impressive.” He looked up to Otabek and frowned a little. Otabek saw something break inside the other skater and prepared himself mentally for what was going to follow.

“My grandfather died.”

He hadn’t prepared for that. His jaws clenched and he could only stare at Yuri, the little Yuratchka, who didn’t even seem as close to tears as he should be.

“When?”, Otabek uttered after a moment and it didn’t sound like his voice at all. No wonder Yuri had behaved strangely.

“Three weeks ago”, Yuri answered and this time Otabek gasped. Three weeks already?

“Please don’t blame me for not telling anyone, I had a hard time keeping it a secret from the news and I was really busy and then I just couldn’t think clearly. It was really… well, it wasn’t the easiest three weeks of my life, at least...”

Otabek nodded. “I can imagine that”, he stated, but then corrected himself: “Well, no, I think I can not imagine that, and I am glad.”

Yuri chuckled a little, but there was – of course – no joy in it.

“Why didn’t you come earlier though”, Otabek continued and earned an irritated look from Yuri’s side of the table.

“What do you mean?”

Otabek put up his frown again. “I mean, what did you do for three weeks instead of coming straight to my place?”

Yuri sipped on his tea. “About that...”, he sighed and put his cup down and Otabek was bewildered by how calm Yuri seemed to be. Hadn’t his grandfather been the number one important person in his life? There wasn’t a single tear shimmering in his tourmaline eyes although Yuri usually wasn’t known for being very talented when it came to hiding his feelings. “After the funeral I moved back in at my mother’s place. Yakov tried to avoid that, but as I am underage, there wasn’t much he could do. So I didn’t have a choice. Consider yourself lucky, there’s nothing worse than moving back in with your mother, I swear to God. I couldn’t even keep my cat, because she has an allergy. Damn woman. I left Boginya with Lilia.”

Otabek didn’t answer. That was worse than anything he had imagined in that short amount of time he was confronted with Yuri. To be honest, he hadn’t had a chance to picture what might have been going on, but this was awful beyond imagination. He had to say something, didn’t he? He didn’t know what to say though.

“They told me during training”, Yuri suddenly continued and Otabek looked towards him again. “Mila said that Yakov wanted to see me in the locker room and I thought _What the hell did I do wrong this time that he can’t tell me in front of the others_ and when he said it I didn’t understand what the words meant. He had to repeat them like I was some kind of retarded idiot and even then I couldn’t say anything so I just nodded and got dressed and went home. My mother was waiting for me there and we drove to the hospital and they let me see him and it was so surreal. I just stood there and stared at him and he looked like he was only sleeping. We went home and it took me ‘til I went to bed before I could cry. It was… strange.” Yuri’s voice was still calm. Creepily calm.

“How did it happen?”, Otabek dared to ask.

“It was a heart attack. He was shopping food and when he loaded the stuff into the car he just collapsed. From what you could tell from the ingredients he had planned on making piroshki. I’ll probably never get to eat some again. My mother isn’t very skilled in the kitchen.”

Otabek couldn’t move when he finally saw tears dwelling in Yuri’s eyes and the boy dwindled to a sore, shivering figure, hiding his overflowing eyes behind his hands, crying inaudible. It was probably the worst thing he had ever seen in his life.

He finally got up from the chair, and closed in to Yuri and when he crouched down next to him, the blonde boy didn’t resist as Otabek put his arms around him and held him tightly. Otabek had never been good with people to begin with, but holding Yuri who clung to him sobbing like the hurt child he was felt like the most appropriate thing he could do.


	2. On love: Hedgehog

Overall it was strange. Within moments Otabek’s state of mind had not only changed drastically but for the long haul as well. There was no one as strong as Yuri Plisetsky. Or so he had thought. No one with spirit and the will to fight like the boy they called “the Russian Fairy”. Or as Otabek had pointed out back then “with the eyes of a soldier”. The emotions that drove Yuri were anger and perfectionism and the will to step out of a competition as the lone and undeniable champion. He had even put the guy in his place who had the word victory in his name. But now Otabek had to admit that there was a side of Yuri he had never seen before, probably no one had ever seen before. With the exception of the late Nikolai Plisetsky at least.

He sighed and put his fork down when he finished. After Yuri had cried a little more, they had decided not to let the potatoes go to waste and the blonde skater had returned to his normal self a little, as he had started to complain about the weather and how the bus line from the airport sucked and that it was a pain in the ass that Otabek lived on the fourth floor with no elevator and how they could leave the front door of the house open, it was no wonder if Otabek was stabbed by a maniac fan one day (Otabek didn’t mention that he certainly didn’t have any maniac fans, because it was kind of relieving to see Yuri shaking off the pain from before a little). He had rambled on like that for some time now but it was obvious that he just wanted to distract from his breakdown earlier, although Otabek had a feeling that Yuri was relieved after he had talked to him.

“Are you finished?”, the blonde asked and looked closely at Otabek’s empty plate. When the dark haired nodded, he looked at his own plate, still half full. “If you’re still hungry, I’m full as well.”

That was probably an offer, because Yuri had a feeling he had cut Otabek’s ration short and felt guilty now, but Otabek shook his head. “It’s fine. Keep eating.”

But now it was Yuri’s turn to shake his head. “I have a strict diet plan, you know. And I had cake at the airport café already. Don’t let Yakov know though.” He chuckled and leaned back in the chair and Otabek didn’t comment on how diminutive the other looked although he seemed to have grown since they had last seen each other. His hair had grown a lot as well, giving him a more androgynous look than ever before. Otabek really wasn’t sentimental or something but there was no denying that Yuri was for sure the most attractive human in the world. For not to say beautiful.

He stood up and started tidying up the kitchen and Yuri helped him. It felt awkwardly natural how they worked together in silence. Otabek had always preferred to be by himself, but somehow Yuri’s presence was… blissful.

After they were finished Otabek suggested to show the Russian around. His flat wasn’t huge or something, it was still his pride though and Yuri seemed a little impressed especially when he saw the shelves in the living room. They were lined along two walls and contained mostly music. Yuri let his fingers run along the backs of the discs that were in thorough order.

“Wow”, he whispered, “I didn’t know you’re into classical music that much.” He crouched to take a closer look at the collection of Vivaldi vinyls. “I mean I noticed that you skated to Beethoven and stuff earlier but I somehow thought that your trainer chose the music.”

Otabek sat down on the couch and watched Yuri who tossed his head to read the names of the records.

“I like this one. The four seasons. I skated to a section of Summer some time ago, it’s really hard though.”

“I know”, Otabek answered and Yuri looked at him in surprise. “I have seen a video.”

Yuri stood upright and tried to get his hair behind his left ear. He really was tall now. And he blushed a little. “Did Mila send it to you?” When Otabek nodded, he pouted. “Can’t that bloody hag keep anything to herself?” He came over to the couch and let himself fall next to Otabek who smiled.

“It was really good though”, he said and Yuri shrugged.

“Whatever you say.”

They sat in silence for a moment, before Otabek inquired: “There are a few things I need to know.” When Yuri nodded slightly he went on: “I do not want you to get into trouble, and to avoid that you need to provide me with some information.” He sounded like a machine and he knew that, and it was obvious from Yuri’s frown that he had noticed as well. Speaking of problems socializing… “I wonder who knows that you are here. Your mother and Yakov are the very least who need to know. They are in charge of your best interests, so they must give their permission to let you stay here. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, you need governmental permission to leave Russia, especially if you are underage, depending on the reasons for your exit. Are you allowed to leave without a custodian or legal guardian before the age of sixteen anyway?”

“I’m sixteen!”, Yuri interrupted and crossed his arms.

One of Otabek’s eyebrows rose. “Is that so?”

“It’s my birthday today!”, Yuri snapped. “Do you think I’m some kind of moron? I’m very well aware that I wasn’t supposed to go anywhere without those fucking watchdogs observing every single step I take. When I went to Japan last year to see Victor it was pretty much illegal and I got in a huge mess when I came back and that is the only reason why I stayed with my mother all that time, because I don’t want to get in trouble again like before and I don’t want to be caught being a minor without legal permission to leave fucking Russia and I don’t want to be sent back to that place!” His voice had gotten louder but Otabek didn’t want to interrupt, because he really needed to know what Yuri’s purpose was.

“You have not the slightest of an idea how it is back there! How it feels to lose the only person who doesn’t treat you like a literal cash cow, just to find yourself with a mother that doesn’t have any interest in you unless you bring at least one gold medal home, per season! That place is shit, it has always been and now it’s just getting worse and worse and I have no one, _no one_! Not even Victor is there, because he is all lovey-dovey with that snookums-katsudon, and I keep getting those mails and not even Yakov knows, because I feel so guilty and I just needed to get away! Every fucking day was like hell and I just thought _Bear it, just a little longer, just some more days and then you can go and leave that shit behind just for some_ _time_ _, just ‘till it gets easier, just ‘till it doesn’t hurt that much anymore._ And I couldn’t sleep last night, because I was so excited and so desperate to get out of there and I wrote my mother a letter that I won’t be around for some time and I texted Yakov that I need some time for myself and I muted twitter and instagram. I just wanted to get away. I can’t go on like that. I cannot be strong, for God’s sake, not now, not with how things are right now.”

Yuri had wrapped his arms around his knees close to his body in a way that must’ve been uncomfortable for anyone who hadn’t been doing ballet for the bigger part of his life and Otabek had to think of a hedgehog who curls into a ball and splays out his spikes so it doesn’t get hurt. Yuri even had his forehead on his knees with his hair hiding his face in a light blonde mess so that Otabek couldn’t even tell if he was crying, although his voice had cracked halfway through his monologue.

When he reached out to touch Yuri’s shoulders, the younger skater turned his head a little to cast a glance at him through the whitish golden strands of hair and there was so much pain in his eyes that it made Otabek’s heart skip a beat. “You don’t need to be”, he said in a low voice. “No one expects you to be strong right now. At least I don’t.” The tears started to drip off Yuri’s lashes, but he didn’t make a sound. “It is a good thing you came here. I would not want you to be in a place that hurts you so much. Consider this place your sanctuary. I will do whatever it takes to make you feel better.”

Otabek heard Yuri inhaling tremulously and a second later he found the fairy in his arms, convulsively sobbing and although it surprised him how emotional Yuri got, he immediately realized that this was probably how he was supposed to be behaving after what he must’ve endured.

“I’m sorry”, he murmured and laid his arms around Yuri. It felt really unusual to be so close to someone, but not in a bad way. Yuri clutched to his shirt and Otabek felt his skinny body trembling. It did feel bad in a way, but the immediate closeness wasn’t the problem. “I can not even say _Happy birthday_ , can I? It is not happy after all. I’m really sorry.”

Yuri pressed himself harder into the embrace and Otabek let his right hand run up and down the Russian fairy’s spine and wished he was better at making people comfortable for the first time in his entire life. He held Yuri for some time and silence covered them like a blanket that had been laid down on them only to emphasize Yuri’s heartbreaking sobbing that slowly faded away as the fairy didn’t have any tears left after what felt like an eternity. Otabek really wanted to say something supportive but he couldn’t come up with anything, so in the end it once more was Yuri who broke the silence with his still unsteady voice.

“You really smell good”, he muttered against Otabek’s chest without letting go of the Kazakh skater.

“I showered right before you showed up”, he answered and couldn’t help to find the situation a little weird right now. Yuri had stopped crying some time ago but Otabek had let him in his arms, because he didn’t have the heart to push the other away, so they still were very close although the tension had ceased.

“I like it”, Yuri whispered. “Your scent I mean.” When Otabek didn’t answer, because everything that came to his mind sounded peculiar even only in his head, he distanced himself a little from Otabek, looking at him with shimmering green eyes and this time Otabek’s vision got blurred even without the tea’s steam from before. He swallowed and stared at Yuri who just stared back, but neither of them dared to move. “Aren’t you going to do anything?”, Yuri asked after a moment of hesitation and Otabek could only think of one thing he wanted to do now.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I bet you do”, was Yuri’s answer, but when Otabek shook his head, be backed off and wiped the dried tears from his eyes with the sleeves of his animal print hooded sweatshirt and Otabek was relieved and disappointed at the same time.

The bells of the catholic church across the street started to toll like they were making fun of them and Otabek just sat there and watched how Yuri got himself together, his back straight and his face stern, but the brightness in his eyes betrayed him. He wanted to sit here forever and look upon this precious human being.


	3. On love: Woe

Yuri had asked to use Otabek’s shower and of course the older one hadn’t refused. He was still on the couch, listening to the water running and wondering how to handle this strange feeling that wriggled in his insides, when his phone rang. He didn’t recognize the area code on the display and picked up curious and with a frown.

“Otabek! It’s Victor! Have you heard of Yurio?! Yakov just called me, he has disappeared this morning and just sent Yakov a text that he’s gone and now his phone is off!”

Otabek cleared his throat to make Victor stop yelling into the handset. So the area code was from Japan. “Hello Victor”, he said and ran his fingers through his now dried hair. “Yuri is with me, don’t worry.” He heard a sigh of relief from the other end of the line and continued: “I must ask you though to not tell anyone yet. I will let him call Yakov and his mother later, but please restrain from mentioning it to anyone besides Yuuri.”

“He should call his grampa too!”, Victor mentioned and Otabek closed his eyes and hummed. “Is he alright? It’s not like him to just travel around without mentioning anything on social networks, especially on his birthday. Yuuri suggested that maybe you might know where he is, as you befriended him in Barcelona, didn’t you?”

“He is. I asked him to come over for training”, Otabek lied and it felt terrible, but he had to protect Yuri. “I will tell him that you called.”

“Thank you, Otabek. Tell him we wish him all the best and a happy birthday, too, will you?” From the background he could hear Yuuri call “Omedetou” and he hummed again. “Sure. Good-bye.” He hung up before Victor could answer and let his hand with the cell in it sink onto his lap. He was probably the only person in the world who hadn’t known that it was Yuri’s birthday, or at last the only one among his fellow skaters. He felt miserable.

The water was still running, but Otabek didn’t worry about it. Yuri had been exhausted and the shower sure replenished his energy. He deserved some time to think about what had happened in the past few hours. Come to think of it…

With a growl Otabek stopped this train of thought and started looking through the list of contacts in his phone. He should probably call Yakov in Yuri’s place, because the trainer would undoubtedly come down on Yuri and Otabek didn’t imagine that being the best for the other skater right now.

It rang one and a half times before Yakov picked up hastily. “Altin? What’s wrong, why are you calling?” He sounded like he was annoyed having the line blocked with Otabek calling.

“Yuri is with me”, Otabek said once more, but didn’t have the opportunity to explain anything when Yakov went off.

“What the hell is the boy thinking?!”, he yelled into the phone, “Get him on the line and fast, so I can rip him a new one!”

“I will not”, Otabek responded calmly and this time he didn’t waste time to continue: “I appreciate that you are worried about him so much but he told me what he has been through and I offered him to stay until he feels better. I am sure you understand that he is heartbroken, so I want you to give him time to simmer down a bit. I will take good care of him, you can rely on me.”

There was silence for a moment and then Yakov – a lot calmer than expected – said: “Alright, Altin, if that is what he wants right now, if that is what he _needs_ , than I’ll be the last person to keep it from him. I’m sorry for yelling, I was just worried like hell. Actually I’ve been worried for some time now. I wish the boy had just told me what was on his mind. He isn’t like himself nowadays.”

“How could he be?”, Otabek’s voice sounded bitter and Yakov sighed.

“Yeah, you’re right. He is still a child after all. Just promise me you’ll look after him. If there is anything I can do, make sure you’ll let me know.”

“I will”, Otabek said although he doubted that Yuri would ask for Yakov’s help after what he had told him. He just needed distance, didn’t he?

“Thanks for calling me, Altin… Otabek”, Yakov said and they bid farewell to each other.

“Who did you talk to?”, Yuri’s voice came from the door. Otabek hadn’t even noticed the water had stopped running and he turned around to see him with only a towel around his hips, water dripping from his hair and his face angry. He was stunningly beautiful.

“I called Yakov, so you do not have to. He sounded like he was sending KGB after you by tonight.”

Yuri’s brows narrowed even more but his anger seemed to vanish into thin air. “KGB doesn’t exist anymore, moron”, he snapped and it made Otabek grin. This was probably the closest he could get to a “Thank you” right now.

“Do you need something or do you just enjoy standing around almost naked in front of me”, he asked and Yuri’s lips formed into that smirk that suited him so well.

“Don’t you like what you see?” He bent his hips a little and his abs got visible under his pale skin a little more and Otabek scrutinized the delicate body before him. There was no denying it.

“You know the answer”, he said with the slightest smile.

“Oh yes, I do.” Yuri winked at him and turned to the hallway where he had left his suitcase earlier. Otabek watched him as he opened it, searched it for boxers and a shirt and shot a glance at him. “Would you stop staring, peeping Joe, or do you want me to consider you a creep?”

Otabek decided to stare out of the window without further comment, but he had seen enough anyway. Yuri was hot, by God he was, but also scarily skinny. Was that the result of the strict diet he had mentioned earlier? Or was the sudden decease of his grandfather affecting his health and overall constitution so much? He could imagine that eating wasn’t one’s top priority after such an awful loss. But still, he himself knew the rules of ice skating well enough. He really didn’t have the ideal shape for competing on the rink, and the only reason he still did was the effort and discipline he had put into his training, but even with his bad genetic material he had never been told to famish, much less decided himself to do it. No matter how he looked at the issue, Yuri’s weight was certainly not healthy, at least from what he could tell.

“You alright? You look grumpier than usually.” Yuri sat down next to him and eyed him with what seemed to be concern.

“Yes, no need to worry”, he responded and placed his phone on the coffee table. The issue still bothered him, when he looked at Yuri’s slender legs the boy had pulled close to his body again in the uncomfortable looking position from earlier.

“Yakov said that it is okay that you stay here. I had to promise him that I call him, if we need his help.” Yuri snorted, but Otabek decided to ignore it. “And before that Victor gave me a call and was all hysteric because he heard that you have disappeared. I told him, that you are here and that he should keep it a secret, and he and Yuuri send their best wishes for your birthday.”

“Stupid Katsudon”, Yuri blurted out and pouted.

“Why do you hate him so much?” That issue had bothered Otabek as well.

“I don’t”, was the answer. “He’s just an idiot and Victor had promised me to help me before he went to Japan, that’s just it. I’m better than both of them now, so I don’t care anymore.”

Otabek didn’t believe him. It was so obvious that Yuri was jealous. “You are”, he said though and when Yuri looked at him he nodded.

“I am. For now.”

Maybe, now that they were talking about skating anyway, he should bring it up. “By the way”, he began and it wasn’t normal for him to falter but he still was unsure if this was too intimate. He really wanted to know though. “I noticed that you lost some weight since the finals.”

Yuri closed his eyes. He had mentioned that he hadn’t slept last night, so he must be really tired right now. “Is that a problem?”

Otabek shrugged. “You tell me.”

“Let’s just not talk about it, okay?”

There was nothing more unambiguous than that answer. Otabek didn’t know what to say. He nodded and it felt horrible. He would have been content if Yuri had denied it or if he had come up with an excuse or a comprehensible reason of course but that was just too sinister.

“Are you sure?”, he pressed on. “You know I will never judge you.”

“There’s nothing to judge”, Yuri said a little too sudden and Otabek nodded. There was clearly more. He just needed to find out what it was.

“You have grown as well, maybe that is how I got the impression”, he concluded and Yuri smiled weakly.

“Yes, I’m as tall as you now. The next time we compete against each other I’ll be able to spit on your head.” He chuckled and Otabek made a face.

“Please do not do that.”

“I’ll spit on everyone’s heads from the podium”, Yuri contrived and yawned.

“Want to go sleep?”

“It’s only 9”, Yuri objected.

“I don’t care, you are tired and I am as well.”

“Okay then.”

Otabek led Yuri to the bedroom and they laid down next to each other in the bed that was designated for one person with only one blanket but at least Otabek used to sleep with two cushions (one he rested his head on and one he clung onto), so at least either of them had one now.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?”, Yuri asked when the lights were already off and it took Otabek by surprise.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because you have a onehundred _ten_  centimeter bed when every normal person has at least onehundred _fourty_. Isn’t that the first thing you do when you grow up, buy a bigger bed so you can comfortably sleep in it with your girlfriend? Or do you just like her laying on top of you?”

Otabek thought for a moment. “Are you that uncomfortable?”, he asked then, because he didn’t know if Yuri knew him that bad or if he was making fun of him.

“That’s not the point”, the so-called fairy replied. “Answer the question.”

Otabek frowned. “It is actually none of your business, but no, I don’t have a girlfriend.” If he had thought the issue was concluded, he had been mistaken. He should have known.

“Why not?”

The Kazakh skater sighed. It was probably the easiest to just be honest and hope that Yuri was too tired for further questions at some point, so he frankly said: “I have no interest in girls.” He flinched when Yuri sat up all of a sudden.

“What do you mean, you have no interest in girls? Why?”

“Didn’t you say you were tired?” He was starting to feel a headache. “I do not like being with people, that’s it”, he said and the “Oh” that followed sounded kind of disappointed.

“So that’s why.” He could feel from the movement of the mattress that Yuri laid down again and then it was quiet. Otabek stared at the ceiling that was invisible in the darkness laying on his back and he was sure Yuri had fallen asleep when the boy unexpectedly spoke again.

“So, you don’t like being with me neither, do you?”

He should have known that Yuri wouldn’t give up on the topic so easily. “I like being with you”, he said low-voiced. “A lot.” That was the truth and there was no point denying it. Yuri must’ve figured out himself already. Otabek hadn’t asked him to be his friend – his only friend by the way – without a reason back then in Barcelona. He had liked Yuri from the beginning. And that short amount of time they had spent there together had made it clear to Otabek. If there was anyone whose company he really enjoyed it was Yuri’s.

“I will order a larger bed tomorrow. Now try to sleep.”

Yuri shifted under their shared blanket and quite suddenly Otabek felt the boy nestle up to him. “Good night, Otabek”, he whispered and as he was laying in fetal position facing him, Otabek could feel the body warmth and moist hair and even Yuri’s breath on his skin and it felt right and wrong at the same time.

“Night”, he said and was pretty sure he would have a hard time falling asleep.


	4. On love: Gentleness

Otabek hadn’t counted how often he had woken up that night. Every time he did he found himself still lying on his back with Yuri being arranged around him in different ways: One time lying on his stomach next to him, one time with his back turned to Otabek and curved into a sweet ball of warmth and soft breathing, one time clinging onto the left arm Otabek didn’t dare to move to not wake the fairy up, one time the blonde mess resting on his chest, and so on. It was exhausting and every time he felt he was falling asleep again he just wished that he would wake up lying on his back again.

In the end he did and right after he noticed that the sun had started it’s way to climb the mountains in the east to hopefully soon flood the city with sunlight, he noticed that his habits hadn’t betrayed him and that he had not clung to anything that night, like he usually clung to the second pillow that was occupied by the only thing he could have wrapped his arms around instead: Yuri Plisetsky. He let out a sigh, relieved, and the boy purred and wriggled closer, placing one slender hand on Otabek’s shoulder. Just a moment after, he opened his still cloud-covered eyes and when he recognized Otabek he gave him the most beautiful, dozy, honest, shimmering smile in the world and Otabek was enchanted and couldn’t do anything but stare at him. Yuri really was a fairy, and the fairest of fairies as well and Otabek didn’t want to blink and miss only the slightest of this spectacle. He wished the moment would never end.

“Is something wrong with my face or why do you ogle me like I’m a giraffe with two heads?”

Here he was again. Otabek sighed, frowned and swallowed that feeling from before at the same time. “And why are you attached to me like you want to mimic my non-existing girlfriend who likes to lie on top of me?”

Yuri’s angelic smile by now had transformed into the sketchy smirk of the pest he was. “Have a problem with closeness?”

“I do”, was the simple answer. “I told you already I do not like people.”

Yuri pouted and let go of him. He sat up and stretched his back and shoulders and Otabek admired his flexibility. That was probably one of the benefits of doing ballet. And of being born with talent and a body like that.

“Do you eat breakfast?”, Yuri inquired and at last Otabek sat up as well and ran his fingers through his hair and he was just about to answer, when suddenly he felt Yuri’s fingers in his hair as well.

“I like your hair”, he explained leaning in to Otabek and ruffling the dark strands with both hands. “It’s so thick and wiry and really black.” Otabek decided to bear it although he felt like a morose pet more than ever before. It made Yuri laugh cheerily.

“You really are a grumpy cat”, he chuckled and stopped playing with Otabek’s hair and let his hands rest on Otabek’s nape softly. His expression changed quickly from childishly delighted to the infatuating meek smile from when he had awoken. Otabek held his breath when Yuri tossed his head a little so that his gold shimmering hair framed his adorable face. He was so close. So close!

“Baursaki”, he said and his voice sounded weak.

Yuri made a face. “What?”

Otabek just hoped that strange moment was over although Yuri’s hands were still on his neck. “For breakfast”, he said and cleared his throat. “I can make baursaki. And I have ayran.”

Yuri sat back on his fee t and finally let go of Otabek. His expression was annoyed. “You really don’t know how to interact with people, you know that?”

Otabek nodded and  Yuri in contrast shook his head. “Come on, I’m hungry.”

They both got up and while Otabek was preparing the breakfast, Yuri switched his phone on for the first time since yesterday.

“Holy mother of Christ!”, he exclaimed as the phone started vibrating violently with all the messages his “disappearing” had caused coming in. “I didn’t know I was _that_ popular!”

“They probably thought you were dead when you did not post a photo on instagram for more than two hours”, Otabek said with a grin and Yuri grimaced.

“You jealous or what? At least people care for me.” You could tell from his face that he regretted saying that before he could even notice that Otabek had stopped in his movement for a split second.

“They sure do”, he only responded and turned to dredge the dough balls in the frying pan.

Yuri sat in silence for a second and there was only the oil sizzling, then Otabek could hear the sound of the phone  being placed  on the table and the chair scraping against the floor.

“I’m sorry”, Yuri declared and it sounded so honest, that Otabek looked at him although he really needed to pay attention to the baursaki. The blonde had risen from the chair, standing stiff and with his head lowered. “I haven’t… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Otabek swayed the pan a bit. “You did not. You don’t need to worry.” When Yuri looked at him, he nodded and focused on the dough balls again. They were starting to have the right color and he lowered the heat a little.

“You sure you’re not mad at me?”, Yuri made sure and Otabek shrugged and said:

“I am sure. Can you get the tea ready?” He heard Yuri bustling around behind him and put the baursaki that were already golden on a plate. Of course it had hurt him. He knew that he was different. Especially compared to the popular Russian skater. He had been by himself all his life and although he didn’t know better, it was hard to hear it from Yuri of all people. He enjoyed the peace his hermit-like entity provided him with but of course deep inside the wanted affection. He had liked it when they had called him the Hero of Kazakhstan. He had really wanted to bring gold to his country. He wanted his effort to be acknowledged, and that really shouldn’t surprise anyone. And even if he knew that he was difficult to handle and even when he accepted that people kept their distance and even when he was actually fine with that, he didn’t want _him_ to treat him like a maverick. Not Yuri. 

H e put the now empty pan in the sink and the plate on the table just when Yuri had finished pouring the tea from the old pot in their mugs.

“Those look great”, he said with an insecure smile and they started eating.

“What are you up to today?”, Otabek asked after a few moments and Yuri shrugged.

“I don’t know, what do you normally do?”

Otabek thought about it for a moment. “Study and go to the rink.  I can take some time off though if you’d rather do something else. The weather is nice, so I can show you around. You  ha ve never been here, have you?”

Yuri shook his head. “That’d be rad. The only thing I know about Almaty is that there are apple trees. Oh, and that you live here, of course.” He smiled and fetched another baursaki. “That’s really scrumptious by the way.”

Otabek showed his gratitude with a nod and tried to imagine what in the city was interesting enough to take Yuri there. “ We could go to Central Park. There are probably no flowers there, but I think Dino Park is open already.”

Y uri’s eyes were shining at the mention of the dino park and Otabek knew he had come to the right decision.

They found themselves in a café in the afternoon, Yuri with a  c aramel  l atte  m acchiato with clotted cream and a piece of flaky-pastry-cinnamon-apple - cake formed to resemble a  spiral wound conch and Otabek with a cup of black tea, his treat. 

“Haha, look at that fella!”, Yuri laughed out loud and showed him one of the selfies with a triceratops puppet. “They have handsome guys here in Kazakhstan, but the dinosaurs look like they were modeled after Christophe Giacometti’s ugly ass!” He took the phone back and flipped through the bazillions of photos he had taken throughout the day most likely deciding which of them to upload on his social media profiles. “I’ll totally tag Chris on this one”, he contrived with a naughty smirk and Otabek sipped on his tea. 

“I am glad you are enjoying yourself”, he commented on Yuri’s mood and the fairy shot a bright smile at him.

“Thanks to you that is! Let’s take a shot together, you’re the one who had the idea after all.” He didn’t even wait for Otabek’s answer but came to sit on the armrest of the wing chair, picking up a piece of his decadent cake with the golden ornamented fork and holding it in front of Otabek’s mouth, stretching the other arm out to get a good angle for the camera, ordering: “Say _Aaah_!” Needless to say that Otabek didn’t but he couldn’t keep himself from smiling a little and when the photo was taken and  when Yuri checked it out, the blonde skater giggled. “This is for sure the only pic ever taken that has you smiling. That’s so cute.” He looked at Otabek, who felt his ears reddening. “Here, you deserve it.” He held the cake out to him and Otabek noshed it from the fork, glad that he didn’t have to say anything. He was aware that Yuri watched him a moment longer before the blonde slipped down from the arm rest returning to his seat.

“Hashtag cake, hashtag sweet, hashtag friends”, he murmured and Otabek froze.

“Are you planning on uploading that?”, he asked, slowly, because he wasn’t sure if he’d like the answer.

“Sure, do you mind?”, Yuri answered his eyes stuck to the screen. He put the fork in between his lips when he needed to use both his thumbs to type. “I’ll tag you.”

O tabek crouched in the chair. “Please do that.”

The sun was setting already, making the snow glow in the warm golden light of the early evening. It ha d been fun today, that was fore sure. After they had gotten to the park by bus because it was way too cold for a ride on Otabek’s motorcycle, they had been strolling around the paths, feeding the  pigeons , riding the miniature train,  having sweet potatoes from a food stand alongside the way and of course attending the dinosaur tour in the end. The person leading the tour had been a bit irritated by the strange couple, because Otabek was listening to the explanations  very focused while on the contrary Yuri was behaving like a 8 year old brat, taking selfies in weird poses and making faces at the dinosaur puppets without bothering to listen to the explanations for a single second. Otabek hadn’t had a problem with that though, he was just so relieved to see Yuri as playful as he used to be .

“Oh, someone wrote a comment already”, Yuri interrupted his train of thought, but made a face right away, taking the fork out of his mouth again. “Yeah, sure, from Vitya, that was so obvious, the king of hot and greasy is always so fast when it comes to two guys in one pic. _By sweet do you mean the cake or that beau you are feeding it to?_ Guess what, silverfish.” He smirked but Otabek really wanted to know as well. He didn’t say it out loud though. With a confident “Ha!”, Yuri put his phone down and began eating his cake.

“By the way,”, he began, the mouth still full of apple cake, “you said that you are studying this morning. Do you still have school? I thought the exams are over here as well already.”

Otabek nodded. “I currently prepare for university. I don’t know how much time I will have when competitions start again, so I study for the exams already with the materials they can provide at that early time of the year.”

Yuri  munched at the cake,  eyebrows narrowed . “You’re at university?”

It made Otabek frown. “Is that  odd to you?”

Yuri nodded, but shook his head right afterwards. “Of course it is, I mean it’s not, I mean you  just  never mentioned it before.” When Otabek shrugged he went on: “What’s your field? What kind of university is it anyway?”

“It is the technical university here. My major is agriculture and my minor is economics-”

“What the fuck?!” Yuri had stopped eating and stared at him bewildered. “Agriculture and economics, are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of smartass are you? What the hell?!” The people at the neighboring table shot glances at them but Yuri didn’t even seem to notice. “I thought you were just some average guy!”

“Thank you”, Otabek grunted, but didn’t let it come through to him. “It’s just the fields I find most interesting, is that really that bizarre?” He had somehow managed to leave Yuri speechless, so he continued: “I could have enrolled for sports as well, but I don’t know how long I will be able to compete or even perform casually, like, from a physical point of view. I am 19 already and I have most certainly already exceeded my career’s peak, so I had to decide on something I would enjoy doing long-term. I love skating, I really do, but I will retire sooner or later and when that happens I need a plan. I am not like Victor who has a future on the rink or next to the rink one way or the other, much less am I like you, because you were born to be on the ice and become a legend. And when I realized that I needed a backup plan and need it soon, I found that this is the most enjoyable notion for me. To work in those fields and become good in my job by putting effort in it like I became a good skater by working hard.” He fell silent. The decision had been hard for him, because it had been right before the grand prix, and when he had competed he had already known that it could be his last time. That he had reached the finals had given him a chance to compete this year again if he qualified, but still he knew he had done the right thing when he had enrolled. There was no point in dreaming of gold medals when the guy who’d most likely win one half of them commented on the photos of you that the guy who’d for sure win the other half had posted on instagram...

Yuri kept staring at him, then put his fork down. “You’re competing this year, right?”, he asked in an unusual low voice. “You won’t retire soon, will you?” There was a flake of the fluffy dough sticking on his chin, but his eyes were  startled and the combination of both made him look naively vulnerable. “Please don’t quit.”

“I’ll be there this year, no need to get worried.” There it was again, that light smile on his lips and it mirrored on Yuri’s face.

“Thank God”, he exhaled in ease and looked at the cake he had dismantled like some kind of ritual murderer. “That’d break my heart right now. I mean what’s left of it.” His smile became bitter and he rammed the fork into an apple cube. “So you bought books about apple picking and business stuff and study that although the semester doesn’t start until autumn?”

“That is exactly what I do.” The choice of the books made Otabek smile again. “It is not only apple picking though”, he rectified. “It’s about cabbage and dairy products as well.” He laughed and Yuri laughed as well and Otabek wondered why the Russian fairy blushed but wasn’t able to think of an answer.

A fter that they chatted casually and Yuri ate the rest of his cake and drank his  malapropism of a coffee  and Otabek ordered another tea because it was really tasty and when they were finished night had fallen.

Y uri shivered from the cold when they stepped outside and Otabek unwound his scarf from his neck and wrapped it around the other boy who protested half-heartedly.

“Stop it, you’ll freeze to death! Take it back!”

“You know I won’t”, Otabek predicted and gestured towards the other end of the public green space in front of the café. “Now that we are here anyway, how about having a ride on the ferris wheel? The cabins are heated.”

Yuri blushed again for no obvious reason, but nodded. “Sure, why not.”

They had to wait in line and Yuri who was shaking like a leaf tightened Otabek’s black woolen scarf around his neck and buried his nose in it. For a Russian he didn’t handle the cold  too  well.

When it was finally their turn, Yuri hurried into the cabin that started swaying  slightly  because of the sudden imbalance and Otabek, his one foot still on the steady ground, supported him with his hands on Yuri’s hips so he didn’t fall. “Careful”, he murmured and got on the cabin as well, so the staff could  lock the door behind them. Otabek sat down to the right of the door and Yuri on the opposite side and they watched their surroundings in silence as the ferris wheel lifted them higher slowly.

“Have you ever been on a ferris wheel?”, Otabek asked after a while, but Yuri shook his head.

“You?”

“Sure.” They were now high enough to see beyond the rooftops of the surrounding smaller buildings and the lights sparkled in the dark of the night. There still was some way to go though. “I come here every Christmas Eve. Most people are not christian here, but they put up illuminations anyway. It is really nice to look at.”

Yuri faltered. “Who do you come with?”

Otabek looked at him and he thought he could see something like insecurity in the tourmaline eyes, but it was too dim to be a hundred percent sure. “By myself.”

Yuri inhaled slowly. “Every Christmas?”

When Otabek nodded, Yuri lowered his eyes and started playing with the end of the scarf between his fingers. “You said that you don’t like being with people. But you also said that you like being with me, didn’t you.”

“That is correct.”

Yuri looked up at him again. “I really want to see the Christmas illumination with you next time. I mean, if you don’t mind.”

Otabek smiled. Again. He seemed to smile a lot more often when Yuri was around. “I’d be glad to have you with me.”

And Yuri smiled as well.


	5. On love: Tenderness

The wheel kept moving and Otabek noticed the symbolism in it. Metaphorically they were approaching the peak, but where would it be? And would the downward movement be as smooth as the one upward?

Yuri had been almost his cheery self again today despite all that had happened to him. Not that Otabek knew for sure what was going on in Yuri’s head or heart. In a way he was just as clueless as Yakov and it dawned to him how awfully powerless the trainer must have felt in the past three weeks with his protégé being a shadow of himself. And that wasn’t all there was to it. Otabek knew ‘only’ of the decease of Yuri’s grandfather, but he sensed there was more, the comments Yuri made from time to time just gave him a feeling that there was something else cooking. That some shadows were lurking between Yuri’s smiles and his tears. The question was if the blonde boy would let Otabek find out. The Kazakh wanted to help Yuri, he really did, but when Yuri didn’t open up to him, what right did he have to pry around in the teenager’s feelings? He was really helpless, and he would keep being until Yuri decided to talk to him and the thought was frustrating. There he was, closer to Yuri than he had ever been and still there was nothing he could do but be supportive in his passive way. Just a bystander, like he always had been, when he wished nothing more than to help Yuri out of that mire of sorrow.

Otabek watched the petite figure in the dim light the bulbs attached to the steel construction of the ferris wheel provided and he made a decision. He still didn’t know how to do it. But Yuri had unknowingly helped him to get himself together again, to stand upright and go his way and regain – no, for the very first time ever _gain_ \- his will to fight. And he would fight again, no matter what. He was certain now: There wouldn’t be a downward movement. He wouldn’t let it happen.

“Yuri,”, he said and the blonde boy looked at him. “You should come and sit next to me, you are sitting with the back to the city.”

Yuri turned around and admired the lights that became visible beyond the surrounding houses, then turned to Otabek again, but didn’t get up.

“I don’t think I can do that.” His hands clung to the bench he was sitting on. “I didn’t tell you, because I thought you’d make fun of me, but to be honest, I’m… not too fond of high altitude...” He smiled uncertainly. “And before you say something, I do know that nothing will happen, those things are solid and all that, but I’d rather not move too much nevertheless. Call me a weakling, it still causes me nausea.”

Otabek thought for a second. He didn’t want Yuri to miss the view from his side, but he also didn’t have much time for talking either as the ride wouldn’t take forever, so he decided to gamble.

“Do you trust me?”, he asked and Yuri nodded without second thought. That was the answer he had hoped for, so without further ado he got up, made the one step to reach Yuri’s bench and slid his arms under Yuri’s knee pit and behind his back. Yuri held onto his shoulders immediately and with a tiny squeak and Otabek, lifting the Russian skater, made the step backwards to sit on his bench again. He had intended to place Yuri next to him, but the boy held onto him for his dear life and with hands of steel, so he came to sit on Otabek’s lap. That was unforeseen, but the Kazakh didn’t mind.

“For fuck’s sake, I’ll never say I trust you again!”, the blonde whispered his face hidden next to Otabek’s neck.

“I know now anyway”, was the pragmatic answer and he could hear Yuri giggle wobbly. “You are missing everything.”

Yuri let go of Otabek and it seemed that it took him a moment until he had decided not to stay on his lap, so after a sweet moment of hesitation he slipped from Otabek’s legs and sat down to his right, but very close and his left hand still clung to Otabek’s jacket. The lights that came into view just now reflected in the blueish-green eyes and Yuri inhaled in awe before keeping his breath in astonishment.

“This is-”, he whispered after a moment and Otabek grinned slightly as Yuri didn’t find a word.

“I know”, he murmured and finally could remove his gaze from Yuri’s glowing expression and towards the millions of sparkling lights that spread out in front of them like a sea of shimmering crystals in the dark of the night. He didn’t remember when he had first seen this, he had been small when his parents had brought him here for the first time, but he had never seen Yuri speechless in amazement and to see him forgetting his pain for a moment made Otabek so very happy.

“This is so beautiful”, Yuri whispered and clung to Otabek even harder. “I didn’t know it was _that_ beautiful. If only Grampa could see that...”

When he heard that, Otabek’s heart twinged. Had he really thought that the mere view could make Yuri forget his loss? He was such a fool.

“Can you see your house from here?”, Yuri asked excited and Otabek shook off the heavy thought.

“No, it is behind that hill over there”, he pointed at the direction. “But over there is my university, and back there is the rink where I train. Do you see those high towers over there with the red lights way up there?” He repositioned to show Yuri the direction, but found himself unable to move, when Yuri clung to his right upper arm.

“Don’t you dare getting up now after what you did to me lifting me up in a freaking ferris wheel cabin, do you hear me?” Yuri glared at him with a vicious grin, his face pressed against Otabek’s shoulder. “I’ll rip your guts out with my bare hands if you ever scare me like that again. I almost shat blue lights, so don’t move.” He turned his face away towards the city lights, so Otabek could only tell from his voice that his expression had changed, and from his wording, when after a moment he said: “Stay with me.”

Otabek sat back. His heart beating like after a routine. No, worse. It was that boy who made it flutter in his chest like a bat’s wings. “Okay”, he finally managed to say, his voice sounding awkward, but Yuri didn’t seem to notice.

He stared at the lights, his fingers stiff in the fabric of Otabek’s jacket, his cheek leaned against it. The lights of the city lay down before them like someone had spilled all the stars in the sky between the pitch black mountains surrounding the valley and Otabek wanted to see the lights reflecting in Yuri’s eyes, but the Russian was so close to him and he didn’t have the heart to make the boy look away from the view as the rise of the cabin slowed down. Yuri had never been as quiet before as he was now, almost as if he was meditating.

“Listen”, he said after a while, when they had exceeded the peak and the lines of light of the streets and blocks of houses went out of sight one after another, “I really didn’t mean to hurt you. This morning. Or any time. It’s just how I am, I don’t think a lot before I talk. When I called you a moron too, I didn’t mean that. And when I called you a grumpy cat… Well, I like cats after all.” He chuckled silently. “What I want to say is… You are dear to me. Because you are honest with me. Because you have a good heart. And because you are there for me, when there’s nothing I can give you in return. Today was fun, thanks to you. I really had a good time, I wouldn’t have thought I could ever laugh again after… after all that happened back home. You do so much for me, I don’t even get why because I’m such a selfish, annoying person. I can never be honest like you are, or sincere, or obliging, or anything I like about you. That’s why I can’t even look at you confessing to you like some sort of complete douchebag. But still I want you to know how grateful I am. And that I’m glad that you didn’t send me away yesterday. That you let me stay by your side. That’s more than I hoped for, to be honest. And I’ll probably never ever have enough courage to tell you this, so I have to get it out now, somehow.” He inhaled deeply and Otabek to the contrary held his breath, when Yuri turned his head so that his forehead was pressed against Otabek’s shoulder.

“Thank you Otabek. For everything. I’ll pay you back someday somehow. But until then, this must be enough-”, he stretched and placed his cold, fragile hand on Otabek’s throat and then Otabek felt a tiny kiss on his cheek.

Otabek felt a tiny kiss on his cheek.

A tiny kiss on his cheek.

A kiss.

And then it was gone again. Yuri sat back and hunched his shoulders, looking at him with a face as red as a beet. Otabek felt like he had to do something or say something – again – and again he didn’t know what. He just stared at Yuri who grabbed the scarf with both hands and dragged it up to his nose, and his heart freaked out and his insides whirled around in a tingling knot and he _didn’t know what to do or say_.

“You really are a creep, Otabek, stop staring at me like that!”, Yuri blurted out. “Either you say something or- I don’t know, but don’t just look at me like you want to do I-don’t-know what or just... How long does that bloody darn ferris wheel take anyway, Jesus fucking Christ?!”

It made him smile. Yuri shot a confused glance at him and Otabek ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s okay”, he said in a low voice. “You do not have to pay me back. I am just happy when you feel a little better, that is enough for me.”

Yuri reddened even more and looked out of the window. “If you tell anyone about right now, I’ll kill you.”, he murmured with a pout and Otabek grinned.

“I will tell no one.” Instead he would keep it for himself, buried deep in his hysterically beating heart.


	6. On love: Oberon

Otabek had had to promise multiple times that it would be their secret for ever and evermore and even more and that once they left the cabin they’d never, ever, ever talk about that again. Especially not to Victor or Yuuri, or anyone who’d tell them. He had promised with a tiny smile, because Yuri seemed to freak out about it a little too much. They rode the bus home and Yuri wriggled into his scarf, his blush lightening but not fully disappearing. It reminded Otabek of the girl he had asked out for a movie when he had been fourteen, the one who had started screaming when he had taken her hand, so they had been told to leave the theater. She had been so cute and so shy and so in love with him, but after they had been thrown out because of her overreaction, she had been too embarrassed to ever go out with him again. He had been a little disappointed, because he had really liked her with her bright green eyes and silky blonde hair and cute smile and-

“Stop staring at me”, Yuri snapped and shot him a glance and Otabek decided to check his instagram, where he was greeted by ninehundredsixteen notifications about the feedback on a photo he had been tagged to. _This time the Fairy has gotten a hold of the Hero *~*,_ one comment said, _I love apple cake, but I love Yurio more,_ said another and the next one was _Wow, you look so good together, give us moar,_ _so charming._ He frowned, then exited the app again and put his phone back in his pocket. Muting the push feed had been a good decision. But one thing was true, the picture had turned out really nice. He’d save it to his harddrive later.

They got off at the next stop and Yuri, shivering from the cold again, looked at the sky. It had started to snow heavily and he shook his head, when a snowflake the size of a butterfly landed on his forehead. “Let’s hurry, I’m freezing”, he claimed and Otabek nodded, because without his scarf it was really uncomfortable by now.

They both shuddered when they were getting out of their jackets, and after having gotten rid of their snowclumped shoes, Otabek hurried to the living room, turning the heating on. Yuri followed him, cuddling into the woolen blanket while Otabek prepared a pot of chai with milk and cookies with sunflower seeds he had kept into his small storage since autumn. When he came back to the living room with the tray, Yuri had led down on his back, wrapped up in the blanket, flipping through the book Otabek had left on the table a few days ago. The blonde focused on his friend, when he heard the tray being put down.

“I thought that was a joke”, he seemed a bit surprised and read the name of the Russian book: “Introduction to agriculture. For a basic understanding of the theory and procedures of cultivation and livestock with an emphasis on land use of mountain soil.” He writhed in the gray and black patterned wool and came to lie on his stomach, resting his chin on his hand. “You read that thing, didn’t you? There are bookmarks and you even underlined some stuff.”

Otabek sat down on the sofa and poured tea into the glasses. He had decided on using the set his mother had given him when he had moved out. It had belonged to her grandmother and was very old fashioned with gold ornaments, but he really liked it. It was classy and it would suit Yuri. “It’s interesting”, he answered when he put the pot down and took a sip of the light brown liquid. It was too hot, so he put the glass down again.

Yuri flipped through the book again. He had bent his knees and his feet in tiger striped socks were swaying back and forth. “You are a special potato.” He said after a while and eyed a page full of charts and figures.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Otabek’s eyebrows narrowed, but Yuri just gave him a smile.

“That means that I really don’t get why you consider it fun to read about how cropland on the west side of a mountain is different from cropland on the south side of the mountain. I bet most people wouldn’t get that. But that’s okay for me. You’re probably just too mature for me to understand.” He closed the book, wriggled to his back again, moving closer to Otabek and in the end put his head on the lap of the surprised Kazakh skater. The book lying on his belly and his feet jutting beyond the end of the sofa padding he looked up to Otabek. “It’s amazing though. I really look up to you.” He chuckled. “Like, literally _and_ metaphorically. I adore you.”

‘He doesn’t mean it like that’, he thought. ‘Don’t misinterpret his words. He’s just impressed by how sober-minded you are, not more, not less. He doesn’t adore you like you adore him.’ Otabek remained silent, lacking the right words, even lacking the right thoughts in a way, so he just kept looking at the other skater. Yuri’s long hair had spread out around his face like gleaming gold thread and thick strands of sunlight and didn’t hide his eyes like it used to. His ivory skin and the shadows around his eyes made him look fragile and the remains of the smile made his eyes sparkle. He was adorable.

“Do you grow out your hair?”, he asked slowly and Yuri picked up one strand with pointy fingers to look at it, letting it fall back into place right away.

“Yeah, I want it to be as long as Victor’s back in the days. It looked so pretty although he has really thin hair. Mine will look even prettier.” He smiled. “Do you like it?”

Otabek nodded although he didn’t like the thought that Yuri still compared himself with Victor. “Yes. You look nice.”

“Don’t say that!”, Yuri replied all of a sudden, his face stern. “I don’t want to be called nice and cute and sweet anymore. I’m not a child and I’m not a girl.” He clenched his fists. “People even call me a kitten. I hate that.”

“What do you want to be called instead?”

The smile came back to Yuri’s lips. “Beautiful. Gorgeous. That’s what I’ll be. I can go with that fairy thing as well. Because it means beauty beyond nature. When I step on the ice I want people to hold their breath. I want them to adore me even before I start skating. I want everyone to fall in love with me at first sight, women and men. I’ll capture everyone’s hearts and everyone’s souls with only a movement of my head, with a glance, with the glowing of my skin. I’ll rule them all. But no one will ever dare to touch me.” His eyes closed at the last words, but his smile remained although it became a bit twisted. “They can never reach me. They can never touch me. And they can never hurt me.”

Otabek’s insides burned. Had Yuri really not noticed? He lifted his right hand, faltered, then touched the light golden hair, stroking alongside the strand and he didn’t even stop when Yuri shot his eyes open, looking into his eyes so intensely that it hurt in Otabek’s heart. “Cold”, he murmured, but Yuri’s look didn’t change. “Is that what you want to be?” He touched the pale skin with the back of his fingertips, caressed it gently, and it was still warm. “You _are_ beautiful already. You _are_ gorgeous. And you _can_ do that. Make people hold their breath. Make people fall in love with you with only your eyes.” Otabek was the prime example for that, but he kept that to himself. “But if no one will dare to reach you, won’t you be all alone? Will not even I be able to touch you then?” His jaw clenched, when his hand came to lay still on Yuri’s collarbone he could feel even through the fabric.

Yuri didn’t answer, he just looked back at him, awareness in his eyes. And after a moment, he raised one hand and touched Otabek’s jawbone, like mimicking the black-haired’s touch from before. “What do you want me to be, Otabek?”, he whispered.

The answer was easy. “Warm.”

It made Yuri smile and he cupped Otabek’s cheek in a way too affectionate way. “I really adore you.” He sat up, the book falling on the floor, and turned around to come kneeling on the sofa next to Otabek and brought his face close to Otabek’s. The Kazakh felt Yuri’s fingertips on his chin and they led his face towards Yuri and it hurt him so much to hold back. Yuri’s messy hair crowned him in entwined white gold, his cheeks blushing a little. “What do you see in me”, Yuri whispered and Otabek felt his breath on his lips.

‘An angel’, his thoughts screamed at him, ‘the king of the fairies, the god of ice, a being just as beautiful beyond nature as you described, but still warm.’

“I only see you”, he said confidently although he didn’t feel confident at all. “As you are now, not the Yuri from before and not the Yuri you long to be. I see only you. Isn’t that enough?”

Yuri’s fingers let go of him and he felt relieved. “See, this is why I like you”, Yuri said and sat back. “You don’t lie.”

He did. He lied at Yuri so much, and he lied at himself so much even when he spoke the truth. But the _whole_ truth held so much more concern and longing and fear and insecurity and Yuri would never find out. He wanted nothing more than kiss him. He wanted nothing more than him and the comprehension hit him so hard it almost made him choke. What he had considered a crush for more than five years now just revealed itself to him as a feeling of desire stronger than anything he had ever felt. He wanted him so badly. But he wanted to protect him as well. Even if it meant protecting him from Otabek himself. And only that will made him able to hold back and gesture towards the tea tray on the table.

“You should try the cookies”, he said and swallowed hard when the tension vanished and Yuri actually concentrated on the treats after picking up the book and placing it at the end of the table.

Otabek took the cookie Yuri handed him and watched the blonde dipping the tip of another one into the tea, biting the bit off that became squashy after a moment, then dipping it back in. He would be strong. For his own sake and for Yuri’s sake.


	7. On love: Culprit

The next morning Otabek woke up from the movements of the blonde next to him. He had barely awoken but found himself unexpectedly confronted with deep green eyes staring at him a little annoyed.

“Good morning”, he mumbled and had a feeling that Yuri was wide awake and might’ve been for some time already.

“Morning!”, the Russian fairy replied, sitting upright on the mattress. “Are you finally awake? I’ve been waiting for hours.” Well, that was probably an exaggeration. “I’m bored!”

Otabek stretched, but froze, when he felt Yuri’s hand on his lower belly. “What are you doing?”

Yuri looked at him innocently. “I didn’t do anything. Your shirt just went up a little.” He looked back down to where he touched Otabek’s tan skin. “Your body is really different from mine”, he murmured, then broke the contact. “Come on, stop distracting me with your super masculine physique, I’m hungry!”

Otabek got up with a groan. “Why didn’t you go to the kitchen then and prepare breakfast yourself if you are so bored and so hungry?”, he inquired and could hear a shocked inhale from behind him when he stretched his back and yawned.

“If I remember correctly you were the one singing _Be my guest_ when I arrived here, so I thought I leave the W _e provide the rest_ part to you.” He giggled in his cute boyish way and when Otabek looked at him, he noticed that he had sprawled across the bed, his long slender limbs as white as porcelain and his tourmaline eyes shimmering teasingly.

“Then come and put my service to the test”, he said and grinned when Yuri’s eyes widened in surprise. Yes, he had seen the movie as well.

He went to the kitchen and switched the electric kettle on and went to the bathroom afterwards to brush his teeth. Yuri followed him and while they were at it, Otabek wasn’t able to avoid noticing the bruises on Yuri’s feet. He eyed his own but they didn’t look any better. At least it wasn’t as bad anymore as it had been when they had competed.

Yuri was posing in front of the mirror, looking silly with his eyes erotically half closed when the toothbrush surrounded by white foam was sticking out of his mouth and Otabek laughed. “If you try to look sexy, wait after your done with the toothbrush”, he suggested and Yuri laughed cheerily and showed him the middle finger.

“I was trying to seduce you, you jerk!”, he laughed and Otabek didn’t mind the insult because Yuri was producing more bubbles and that made him laugh even more.

They had dark bread and honey and mare’s milk curd for breakfast and Yuri tucked in like he hadn’t been fed for weeks and because Otabek had been worried about the boy’s weight lately, he was delighted with watching Yuri enjoying the Kazakh food so much.

“It doesn’t snow anymore”, he brought up, “we can go sightseeing if you want. Or we could go to the skating hall if you like. Tonight it is not open to the public but for registered members only, but I can get you in. I mean just in case those people do not scatter your way with rose petals anyway.” The image made him smile. Some of the staff wouldn’t believe their eyes, when Otabek brought the Russian Fairy. The boy was already a legend.

“I haven’t skated for days”, Yuri answered, licking a drop of curd from his fingertip, providing a sight that’d haunt Otabek’s dreams for ages to come. “I’d really love to go. But before we leave, you have to show me some of your music. I know some pieces, but only the stuff that I used for routines. I want to know more though.”

Otabek smiled behind his cup of coffee. “Sure thing, there is plenty of exciting stuff.”

After they had finished breakfast, Yuri went to the bathroom and Otabek tidied the kitchen and after he was finished he went through his records. He decided on showing Yuri the vinyls, because he’d probably never seen a record player at his age and Otabek had a whole collection featuring his favorite pieces. He had some 80’s new wave records as well but he doubted that Yuri would be interested in New Order or The Smiths.

When Yuri came from the bathroom he had his hair combed and braided in a loose pigtail and he was captivating even in his black long-sleeved shirt and leopard printed pajama pants and with his slightly bruised bony bare feet. His eyes shimmered like he had been crying, but his face didn’t show any sadness, so Otabek shrugged off the thought.

“Is there anything you want to listen to specifically?”, Otabek asked, but Yuri shook his head.

“Just show me what you like the most.” He came over to Otabek and knelt down on the floor next to him. The strands from his pigtail already came loose a little, but it looked beautiful.

With a nod Otabek reached out for the first record and let it slid out of the cardboard sleeve. “Let’s start with the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy then.”

“Is that some kind of humiliation?”, Yuri inquired, but as soon as he recognized the piece, he corrected himself: “I guess it’s more of a compliment.”

They listened to music all morning and Yuri really seemed to enjoy the pieces Otabek had chosen. He was especially thrilled when Otabek showed him Smetana and he wanted to listen to Vltava three more times while lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling with tears in his eyes.

“I’ll skate to that”, he whispered when the last tone had faded away. “And I’ll think of today every time I do.” His gaze shifted towards Otabek. There was the sound of the arm lifting the needle from the vinyl. “I have never before chosen my music myself.” He turned around, then got on all fours and sat back on his heels. “I always thought classical music is for nerds and old people. But it’s actually really stirring. Maybe because you have good taste.” His words made Otabek smile. “Can you skate your program from the finale for me later? The one you should’ve won with. I’d really like to see it one more time.”

Otabek nodded. Yuri for sure meant the free skate. He had never been better in his life, he was well aware of that, as well as of the fact that he probably wouldn’t be as good ever again, but nevertheless if Yuri wished for it, he’d try. If only to see the same glowing expression he showed just now only thinking of it.

“Let us get ready soon, it’s already past noon, we can grab a bite to eat on our way.”

Yuri jumped to his feet excitedly.

The rink was relatively close to Otabek’s apartment and after they had gotten off the bus, they stopped at a tiny restaurant that was famous for it’s mutton manti dumplings and where Otabek was well known because he used to stop by there on his way to or from the rink.

Yuri hadn’t brought his skates, so he had to rent some at the skating hall, but when he slid onto the ice there was no difference from when he wore his own. Otabek and some of the staff people stood there in silence when Yuri, after warming up a little, lift off for a quad like it was a piece of cake. It looked so effortless and Otabek was impressed how much the Russian skater had improved since he had last seen him skate, despite the fact that he had won gold back then.

A young woman on the other end of the rink applauded and Yuri gave her a slight smile that made her blush like a little girl.

They skated for themselves most of the time although their lanes crossed in a way that made Otabek feel warm inside. Neither he nor Yuri skated under pressure and it was blissful.

After some time Yuri came to stop beside him. His cheeks were pink and his breathing a little heavier than normal. He hadn’t pushed himself as hard as the Kazakh had expected, but he was glad. There was a beauty in Yuri’s laid-back movements that he had never seen before. It suited him.

“I want to see it”, he said with only the slightest smile. “If you’d-” When he looked away and blushed, Otabek reached out for his hand.

“I said I would do that for you”, he answered and Yuri looked at him and his lips curled up to a sweet smile.

He gestured towards the staff he had talked to earlier and let go of Yuri’s hand, so the blonde could get to the margin.

Otabek inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. He hadn’t skated the program for some time now but every motion was etched into his flesh and when the music began to play he started to move automatically. He wasn’t even nervous, not even at the thought that this time he was skating for Yuri alone. He focused and there was nothing to be heard but the music and the sound of the blades and his heartbeat accelerating and all he saw before his eyes were Yuri’s gleaming eyes and his smile and the white crook of his neck.

When it was over it took a moment until he opened his eyes and tried to calm his breathing down. He skated over to where Yuri was waiting and where they had put their drinks down. Yuri didn’t say a word, he just stared at Otabek who frowned a little. “Was it okay?”

“It was awesome”, Yuri whispered, clearing his throat before he went on: “It felt so different from before. I wonder why that is.”

Otabek could’ve told him but he remained silent. Instead he ran his fingers through his hair and took a sip from his water. It wasn’t too hard to guess either, was it?

Outside it had already become dark and Yuri’s stomach growled and it made them both smile.

“Let’s get under the shower and go home. I do not now how you are hungry again, but we can order something back home.”

Yuri smiled affirmatively and they went to the locker room.

Yuri was faster than him and Otabek thought for a moment that it was a pity that he hadn’t had the chance to see Yuri dripping with water, but he shook the thought off and finished showering.

When he stepped back into the locker room with a towel around his waist, Yuri had already changed into his jeans and tank top just getting his socks on (black with white cats on them this time) and Otabek admired his well-shaped shoulders for a moment when Yuri looked at him. And froze. His mouth fell open, his eyes widened. Otabek had anticipated _some_ kind of reaction. He just hadn’t seen it coming that Yuri would wordlessly stare at him for what felt like hours. He didn’t know what to say, so he just stood there and watched as Yuri’s sock fell to the floor unnoticed.

After some more moments Otabek could feel his ears reddening. “If you would please stop staring at me, I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable...”, he murmured.

Yuri looked away from his chest, to his insecure frown, big-eyed. “What the fuck”, he squeaked. “You have a tattoo?” He looked at Otabek’s chest again.

“Yes, I do”, he said and could finally move towards his bag, but felt Yuri’s gaze on him at every step he took.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”, Yuri blurted out and still didn’t seem to notice that his sock was gone.

Otabek bent over the bench and opened his bag to search it for underwear, but Yuri’s question made him stop. “Why would I? Not even my mother knows.” He grinned sheepishly and Yuri sitting next to his bag scowled.

“We are friends, aren’t we? Don’t friends show each other their tattoos? You could at least have warned me.”

Otabek stood upright and his eyebrows narrowed even further. “Warned?” The wording was not really well-chosen, was it?

“Yes”, Yuri said in reply and examined the ink pattern that ran from Otabek’s right shoulder down his chest and didn’t end until the waist. “Warned me that you look freaking hot underneath your goddamn clothes.” His expression was struck with recognition. “It’s that pattern from the flag, isn’t it?”, he asked and Otabek nodded.

“It’s a traditional Kazakh weaving pattern”, he explained. “I thought I owe my country that much.”

Yuri’s cheeks had reddened. “It looks stunning.” He reached out his hand and touched the tattoo right underneath Otabek’s rib arch. “When did you have it made?”, he asked and let his fingertips run along the twisted pattern. The touch gave Otabek goosebumps.

“When I was informed that I had qualified for the finals last year. I had thought about it for some time, but that seemed the right occasion.”

Yuri let his hand fall into his lap. “It’s incredibly hot”, he said and looked really impressed.

Otabek swallowed hard. He hadn’t been prepared for such a frank compliment. “Thank you”, he mumbled and started to search his bag again although he had already found his boxers, because Yuri still stared at him and he really didn’t want to have the fairy’s full attention when he unwrapped the towel. After a wink Yuri concentrated on getting dressed again and Otabek hurried to get rid of the towel and jump into his underwear and he noticed that Yuri was watching him out of the corners of his eyes, but they both pretended it didn’t happen. Both of their faces reddened though.

Yuri was awkwardly silent on their way home like he was pondering and only when they walked into Otabek’s flat he seemed to recollect. “Can we order pizza?”, he asked and Otabek couldn’t help but smile again.

“Sure.”

They made themselves comfortable on the sofa with a pot of tea after calling the delivery service and Yuri updated his instagram and twitter and VK while Otabek read one of his textbooks and soon enough the bell rang. They both got up, so Otabek would pay and Yuri would take the pizza to the living room as they had decided to eat in front of the TV.

The Kazakh skater opened the door and found himself confronted with a familiar face.

“Hello”, she said and looked not half as troubled as he did. Of course not, she had known whose order she delivered.

“Hello”, he answered and there was a split second of odd silence, but when he didn’t say anything else, she focused on the delivery.

“One Frutti di Mare, one Mozzarella ramerino”, she read and stretched out the boxes. Yuri snatched them with a wink at the woman and unaware of the tension between Otabek and the blonde girl. He took the food to the coffee table leaping and she looked after him.

“So, you work at your old job again”, Otabek said and she nodded.

“You haven’t ordered for some months”, she replied and this time Otabek nodded.

“I cook myself most of the time.”

“You cook?”

He nodded again. “You look good.”

She shrugged. “Thanks.” She didn’t return the compliment. “Is that Yuri Plisetsky?”

“Yes.” He fell silent. It was none of her business. “How much?”

She looked at the receipt again, but he knew her well enough to notice that she was pissed that he hadn’t explained why Yuri was here. “Seventhousandthreehundredsixty.”

He handed her eightthousand and she gave him the change and the receipt. “Thanks for ordering at-”

“See you”, he interrupted her and she shot him a glance and turned away.

When he had shut the door he sighed in relief. How bothersome. He went to the sofa. Yuri had already opened the boxes and turned the TV on. There was a documentation about the Mariana Trench.

“That took awfully long”, he complained teasingly, but his eyes got quizzical when he noticed the stern expression on Otabek’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Otabek let himself fall on the couch and rubbed his face. “That was my ex-girlfriend”, he said agonized.

Yuri made a face. “You dated the pizza delivery girl?”

“Yeah,”, Otabek confessed, “she already had my phone number because of the job and texted me and although she was really persistent or maybe even because of that I found her kind of cute.”

Yuri nodded. “She’s super pretty.” He thought for a moment. “But it didn’t work out because...?”

“I don’t know, after the finals I realized that I only had liked her look but I found her character rather… troublesome and broke up with her. I said that I had fallen in love with someone else because I thought I needed a better reason than ‘I judged the book from the cover’, but it really did not make things better. She was super pissed.” He grimaced. “Well, I guess she still is.”

Yuri nodded knowingly. “That’s not too hard to understand if you consider that she thinks that you have someone else and then she sees me in your apartment.”

“You mean...” He hadn’t seen it this way at all.

“She probably thinks we are dating”, Yuri concluded and Otabek blushed very hard.

Meanwhile Yuri’s grin became really wide. “Does she follow your instagram?”, he asked and Otabek moved in a way that could been interpreted as a “I guess she does” and Yuri touched the icon for the camera application. “Let’s tease her”, he suggested and placed his pizza box on his lap so it could be seen on the photo later, then cuddled up against Otabek whose face was still red. “I can’t let her make your mood become so heavy without punishment.” He took some photos in which he smiled brightly. His nice-smelling hair tickled Otabek’s neck. It was arousing.

“Okay, now let’s finally eat, I’m starving”, the blonde said when he was satisfied with the shots and put his phone down but didn’t move away from him. Otabek emulated Yuri’s action and put his pizza on his lap, still smelling the scent of Yuri’s light hair.

They ate in silence and Otabek followed the programme about the Mariana Trench, when Yuri without even looking at him suddenly asked: “Am I your type?”

Otabek choked on a piece of salmon and coughed and not that much to his surprise Yuri laughed at him.

“I guess that means yes”, he guffawed and didn’t stop looking very amused until Otabek had managed to get the deadly piece of fish out of his windpipe.

“Why are you asking such weird stuff?”, he gasped and held his hurting chest.

“Because of Pizza Girl”, Yuri explained.

“Ekaterina.”

“Ekate-I-don’t-care”, Yuri replied. “Her hair is super blonde and her eyes are super green. I just thought there might be a pattern.” He watched Otabek curiously. “Is there?”

The thoughts crashed in Otabek’s head but he couldn’t grasp one. It was so obvious there was a pattern. But would he admit that? Never!

“No, it is a coincidence”, he managed to answer after a moment. “She did not even have blonde hair when I got to know her, she is a natural ginger. She dyed it after we had texted some time.” ‘Because she found out that I admire Yuri Plisetsky’, he continued mentally.

“But it’s not that you didn’t like when she changed the hair color, did you?” Yuri winked at him and Otabek had a hard time acting cool.

“I do not care that much about the look”, he stated. “Sure I wouldn’t date a duck, but I think the character is much more important. I would not have broken up with her if only the hair and eye color was important to me.”

“I didn’t say that”, Yuri responded, “but I for example would never date a girl with blonde hair and light eyes and white skin. I mean, every girl in Russia looks like that, some people sure consider it beautiful, but I just find it boring. Most Russian people are as pale as a ghost with nothing being special about them like they have no personality and it’d annoy me if I’d look at my partner and could as well be staring at a whitewashed wall without noticing much of a difference.” He shrugged and stuffed pizza in his mouth.

“So what is your type?”, Otabek asked without second thought and he didn’t understand why Yuri grinned provocatively all of a sudden.

“It’s easy”, he began when he had swallowed the food. “I like slightly tan skin and deep brown eyes and pitch black hair. Slender but athletic physique and not too tall.” He licked his oily fingertips like an innocent kitten. “But most importantly a very, very sweet smile.”

The description made Otabek think for a moment. “That sounds like you should try looking in Turkey or Italy”, he determined.

Yuri tossed his head to the side and smiled baffled. “Yeah, maybe I should do that.” He shook his head still smiling that odd smile and somehow Otabek had a feeling he had said something wrong.


	8. On love: Sugar Plum Fairy

Yuri hadn’t been very amused when Otabek had informed him that he had work to do on the next day, although it was a Saturday. He had promised to come up with some kind of compensation and had been thinking about that for some time after Yuri had already fallen asleep cuddled up very close to him. It wasn’t until they had almost finished breakfast the next morning that Yuri finally asked what kind of work it was.

“It will not take long, I am sure you can manage to keep yourself busy for some hours”, Otabek predicted, stirring his black tea pouring in some milk so it formed a light brown spiral before blending in. “I can take you to the rink if you want and pick you up afterwards.”

“That was not the question”, Yuri responded and stared at him with that little annoyed frown he sometimes wore.

Of course Otabek knew that. He was a little ashamed though. When Yuri hadn’t asked yesterday already he had half hoped that he didn’t mind and Otabek didn’t have to tell him. But Yuri was way too alert to let him get away with that.

He sighed and had a close look at his tea. “My agency had me booked for some photos for a local street fashion brand. It’s nothing especially…. special… though.”

“Yeah, sure”, Yuri commented, his voice dripping with irony. “You’re just a model, no big deal, I mean who isn’t...” When Otabek looked at him he noticed that Yuri’s left eyebrow had risen.

“It is a little embarrassing actually”, he murmured, hiding the lower half of his face by picking up the mug.

“And that is why?”

Otabek sighed again. It made the steam rising from the tea swirl. “I find myself not really that attractive actually. Rather average. I obviously gained some popularity scoring high last year, but that does not exactly justify that they requested me for the photos. I do not feel like I am qualified.” He narrowed his eyebrows. “I have only that one facial expression, don’t I?”

Yuri burst out in laughter and slammed his hands down at the table. “You do!”, he laughed out loud. “That’s so cute!”

Otabek took a sip of his tea. He knew it was ridiculous. But his agency had insisted that he took the job, because it was good publicity. He still found the idea awkward. What image did that fashion brand want to emit by making ‘Human Grumpy Cat’ the face of the promotional campaign anyway?

Yuri had calmed down a little. His grin was still wide. “But considering that that Twilight chick still has a job, you shouldn’t mind too much.” He got more serious after that. “Besides, you definitely _are_ that attractive and your body is top-notch as well.”

Top-notch? He wasn’t serious, was he? “Come on, making fun of me does not make me more confident about it”, he sighed, but Yuri shook his head.

“I am serious, you’re really handsome. And there’s something about you I haven’t seen before. Maybe they want a unique person, and that you certainly are. In a pretty good-looking way. I have wondered for some time now already, but do you have east asian blood?”

Otabek thought for a moment. “One of my grand-grandmothers was Korean”, he answered but couldn’t remember if she’d been on his fathers side of the family or his mother’s, because both them had died before he was born.

“Oh, that explains”, Yuri said with a satisfied nod. “It’s not that obvious, but I thought your hair is way too black for a Kazakh.” He rested his chin on his hand. “I’m so jealous. I wish my hair was as beautiful as yours. I even thought about dyeing-”

“Don’t!” Yuri jumped a little as Otabek didn’t usually interrupt people, and he was a little surprised about how sudden his outbreak had been himself but he didn’t want Yuri to finish. He felt that it had been rude to almost yell at the boy and he swallowed hard. “I mean, please, don’t”, he continued a lot lower. “Your hair is beautiful as it is. It suits you a lot. If you dyed it, that would ruin everything. I mean...” He didn’t intend to say ‘You already are the most beautiful creature in the world, just like you are’, but that was what he felt.

Luckily Yuri built on it. “Yeah, I see, you really have a thing for blonde hair and green eyes, I get it.” He smiled and Otabek thought about an objection, but Yuri already went on: “No worries, black hair would look stunning on me without a doubt, but I’d have to dye the hairline every two weeks and that’s too much effort. But back to the main topic, when do you leave for the job?”

“Three p.m.,”, he answered ignoring the fact that Yuri still hadn’t given up on the idea that he was Otabek’s type. Then again it was true after all. Bringing it up once more would make it more suspicious, wouldn’t it?

“It’s only ten, so let’s go shopping until then, okay?”, he suggested cheerily. “After all, you still owe me a birthday present. The cake doesn’t count, cake is mandatory.”

Otabek nodded with the slightest smile. As if he could refuse those shimmering tourmaline eyes any request.

Almaty was still the largest city in Kazakhstan although Astana was the capital now and therefore there was plenty more than apple trees to it. Yuri was excited when they were roaming the shops and little boutiques downtown and it made Otabek feel happy. He still had issues thinking of the payback he had promised the night before and now Yuri wanted a present as well. He was really having a hard time about that. He wasn’t good with people after all. How was he supposed to find a present for Yuri the way he was?

The problem literally solved itself when he caught Yuri staring into a showcase with sparkling eyes. It was a ring and it reminded Otabek of Victor and Yuuri, but the boy was wordlessly enthralled and at the very least _that_ had not happened a lot before.

“Do you like it?”, he asked and Yuri’s excited glance shot at him.

“Bet your life on that, have you seen that thing, it’s fucking awesome!”

Otabek gestured towards the saleslady.

“What are you doing?”, Yuri asked and it made Otabek chuckle.

“What does it look like?”, he replied and pointed at the ring.

“The one with the leopard print embossed details?”, the lady asked very professionally and when Otabek nodded she continued: “This is a special edition to celebrate the twentyfifth anniversary of the brand. It’s nine carat white gold, the design is really outstanding isn’t it?” She opened the showcase. “Do you want to try it on? We have various sizes. Contrary to the regular gold edition the embossed details are satin-etched, not blackened. It looks a lot more elegant, don’t you think?” She smiled, not really expecting an answer. “What size do you have?”

Otabek looked at Yuri asking, Yuri stared back at him upset.

“You’re not gonna do that, are you?”, he whispered and Otabek tried to stay solemn, but eventually smiled a little. The Russian fairy was just too cute when he was flustered like that.

“What size?”, he asked and Yuri was so startled that he looked back at the saleslady.

“I don’t know actually.”

“Oh, we can find out in no time”, she shot a smile, locked the showcase again and pulled out the key. “Give me a second so I can get the samples.” She turned around and walked to the other end of the shop and Yuri’s head turned back at the Kazakh.

“What are you doing?”, he hissed.

Otabek shrugged. “You wanted a birthday present”, he reminded the boy who blushed, his cheeks as pink as cotton candy.

“Yeah, but not that!”

“Why not?”

“Otabeeek,”, his whisper became threatening, “they don’t even have price tags here… Do you know what that means? That thing is probably fourtythousand roubels.” When Otabek shrugged he panted. “Are you insane?”

He probably was. But those eyes had captured him, like they used to do. It was like a magic spell. “Don’t you want something to outshine Yuuri with?”, he proposed and Yuri was about to answer, but Otabek prevented that, continuing: “Just give in. I have decided already and I can tell that you want it, so let us keep this brief.”

Yuri stared at him silently but eventually was distracted when the lady came back with clicking heels.

“I brought a variety, but you look like a fourtynine or fifty to me”, she said and Yuri let her measure his size. “What finger do you want to wear it on?”

Yuri shot Otabek a glare, then concentrated on his right hand again. “Annulary.” His voice sounded a little shrill.

The lady took a box out of the showcase and opened it, then slipped the shiny metal on Yuri’s white ring finger and kept chattering about how good the ring looked on Yuri’s slender finger and how elegant his hands were, even asking if he played the piano, but Yuri didn’t seem to enjoy the situation all too much. His posture was stiff and his replies brusque. For a second Otabek thought that maybe he had forced Yuri into this, but then again the Russian had been completely taken in admiring the jewelry earlier so Otabek shook off the thought.

“This is perfect, isn’t it?”, the saleslady exclaimed and Otabek noticed that a bit of that shimmer from before had returned to Yuri’s eyes. And she was right, the light gold piece looked like it was made for Yuri.

“I will pay with credit card”, Otabek said and saw Yuri swallowing, jaws clenched, but the boy remained silent, when the lady took off the ring again to put it back into the box and lead Otabek to the cash desk.

After Otabek had paid (Yuri keeping his distance) they left the shop in silence, but they were barely out of the door when Yuri suddenly turned on the heel to face Otabek who was carrying the small white paper bag.

“What’s wrong with you?!”, it blurted out of him. “I don’t now how much twohundredfiftythousand fucking tenge is, but it sounds way too much!”

Otabek smiled and held out the bag. “Happy birthday!”

With a growl Yuri snatched the bag from him, turned around abruptly and marched away in a goose-step and it reminded Otabek, who was following two steps behind him, of the soldier that Yuri had been as a child. He smiled, but it vanished and turned into a frown when all of a sudden Yuri stood, shoulders stiff.

“What is wrong?”, Otabek asked and circled the blonde boy to see his face. He was alarmed when he noticed the tears that Yuri was barely able to hold back.

“Yuratchka”, he said and groaned when Yuri jumped at him, wrapping his thin but unexpectedly strong arms around him, burying his face in Otabeks shoulder.

“Thank you”, he sniveled. “You jackass!”

Otabek’s smile returned and he gently placed his hands on Yuri’s lower back, his left cheek brushed against the thick strands of light gold hair. “You’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 250000 Kazakh Tenge is approximately 700 USD


	9. On love: Bloom

The photo shoot was exhausting. It was Otabek’s first time so he hadn’t expected that what looked like natural posture in fashion magazines or on billboards were actually strange contortions he was probably only able to do because he was used to extravagant poses when he was skating. At least the clothes were cool, stuff he’d probably buy himself if it wasn’t too expensive. When they were finished the director even let him pick one piece to take home and he decided on a black hooded sweatshirt with two short zippers on the sides of the waistband and really fluffy lining. It would keep him warm and he could even pull it over Yuri if the boy was freezing to death again.

When he picked up the Russian from the rink it was already half past nine and he was really hungry. It turned out Yuri was as well. They decided on going to a burger place a few bus stops away from the rink. Yuri had left his sports bag in the locker there and was now chomping on fries happily.

“I’ve tried to skate your short program”, he munched, tossing a fry in sour cream until only the end he held between his pointy fingers was recognizable as a piece of potato. “It’s tough as hell, I swear to God. You mustv’e trained years to perform like you did in winter.”

“Months at least”, Otabek replied. “You can pull it off in a week though I guess.”

“No pressure”, Yuri said with a grin. “Speaking of pressure, what are we up to after that.” He gestured towards his half eaten quarter pound beef massacre.

“I really came up with something”, Otabek said with a feel of pride.

“Oh, that’s why you made me take back that order of vanilla ice cream hot brownie, right?”

Otabek nodded, sucking on the straw in his black iced tea.

“And you’re not going to tell me what it is?” Yuri’s eyebrows rose when Otabek shook his head.

“Surprise”, he finally explained and he could see that he didn’t like being kept on the tenterhooks. “You will like it though.”

He smiled mysteriously and Yuri, playfully pouting, focused on his burger again. The salad, bacon and tomatoes were sticking out at the back side and the burger was oozing sauces and meat juice. When Yuri took a bite a slice of tomato fell back on the plate with a nasty sound.

“You do not wear the ring”, Otabek remarked and it made Yuri look at his right hand. There was only ketchup coming out between his white fingers.

“Yeah”, he said, then wiped his mouth. “You said that I’d sure like to outshine Katsudon. Do you know how he did it?” When Otabek shook his head in response he sucked mayonnaise from his index finger and continued: “In a church. Victor told me when I called him earlier. He was almost crying because of all the romantic poppycock in his soggy old brain. Katsudon took him to a church and a choir was singing there and they slipped the rings onto each others fingers.” He grabbed a napkin to wipe his hands, than reached into the pocket of his jacket and dragged the little box out. “Here.” His voice was shaking a little when he put the box in the middle of the table so Otabek could take it. “If you want me to outshine lil’ piggy and his swineherd, come up with something fancy.” He lowered his head and almost hid his face in the lump of bread and meat and topping, but his blush was clearly visible. “Nothing too sappy though, if you please!”

However that was supposed to work. Otabek took the box and shoved it into his own pocket, deep inside so he could never lose it. He’d have to come up with an idea soon as well, because he didn’t like to keep Yuri waiting after he had been so happy that he had cried this morning. Otabek would never forget how it had felt to hold the boy close right there in the pedestrian area, the wind being cold and the scent radiating from the blonde strands so warm and appealing that he almost had kissed Yuri’s pretty head. He’d probably decide spontaneously on when and how he was to hand the ring over.

Yuri unexpectedly (at least unexpectedly to Otabek) managed to finish up his burger and the fries he dipped in either sour cream or the mixture of oozes the burger had left on the plate. Otabek wondered what had become of the strict diet plan the Russian had mentioned shortly after his arrival, but if Yuri had decided to ignore it or even had forgotten about it, Otabek really wanted to avoid reminding the boy of it so he kept quiet about it. Yuri excused himself to the bathroom so Otabek checked his instagram for the first time after the return from the ferris wheel.

He had notifications about eightthousandfivehundredsixtysix likes and sixtyfour comments on the photo Yuri had taken of them with the pizza. He scrolled through the comments for some minutes. They varied from a simple _Yummy_ to someone writing a whole paragraph about how beautiful Yuri was and another one about how badly in love she or he was with him and another one about that Otabek was so lucky because he had that angel with him and there were almost more emoticons than actual characters. It was tiring to read through it and he put the phone back in his pocket again.

It was just then that Yuri came over from the bathroom. He smiled at him, but something upset Otabek.

“Are you alright?”, he asked cautiously. “Your eyes are red. Were you crying?”

“What, no, I just got a blow from the hand dryer in them, no worry”, Yuri shrugged off. “Are we ready to go?”

With a nod Otabek got up and into his jacket and went ahead to pay at the counter. Yuri was following him close but having some trouble with the zipper of his coat. When they stepped outside he was still fiddling with it and Otabek’s eyebrows narrowed a little when he closed the gap between them and took on the task. The slider had become stuck, but after a few careful movements Otabek managed to get it all the way up to Yuri’s neck. He stood straight and there were shadows on one half of Yuri’s face and the dim lights of the streetlights on the other half and he looked like a piece of art.

Otabek felt that he was staring, wondering why Yuri didn’t comment on that, why he just stood still and let Otabek look him over, and he noticed that he was too close, way too close to Yuri’s face, but most of all he noticed that Yuri didn’t look like he had before, that something had changed and that this wasn’t the Yuri he had fallen in love with anymore. The Yuri who had made him fall for him with everything he got had been a serious, grimly determined little boy with a soldier’s eyes and later a still determined, angry, desperate boy on his way to a gold medal and still with those intense, piercing eyes. But it wasn’t like that anymore. It all was so clear now. It changed everything in Otabek’s head as well as in his heart when he stood there in the middle of the pavement, leaning in to Yuri a little. He wasn’t a little boy anymore. He had changed so much in so little time. Not only had his hair grown longer, he was way taller than before now too, making his limbs more slender and delicate and fragile looking. His features had matured as well, not as obviously, but now that Otabek thought about it he realized that it was probably why he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off Yuri for days. He was no longer a boy. He was a young man.

“You look good with that on”, Yuri whispered, clearing his throat right away, because he clearly hadn’t intended to whisper.

Otabek moved his head in a lack of understanding.

Yuri smiled a little and rose his hand, pushing back a loose strand of Otabek’s short hair. “They messed up your hair, but the make-up is really nice. I’m looking forward to see the photos.” He lowered his hand and stuffed both fists in the pockets of his coat and then he lowered his head a little as well, chuckling silently.

For a second Otabek was confused, but then he remembered that he had indeed not removed the make-up from the photo shoot earlier. It wasn’t very noticeable and the make-up artist had explained that she’d only apply a little to accentuate his features and it didn’t even feel unnatural. He smiled shyly.

“Actually I totally forgot about that”, he explained and saw Yuri blushing.

“I’ve been wondering if you did that to confuse me”, the blonde said glancing at Otabek through his blonde bangs. “I find you pretty hot after all. It’s a weird feeling.” He chuckled again and Otabek was speechless and that made Yuri blush even more. “Can we leave now?”, he continued nervously. “Before I babble even more awkward bullshit...”

With a nod and a “Sure” Otabek started walking. He felt the urge to reach out for Yuri’s hand and he heard the blood rush in his ears and when he looked at Yuri his heart beat harder.

The blonde walked beside him without a word and the silence was heavy with meaning but Otabek didn’t understand any of it, neither his own twisted feelings and thoughts nor Yuri’s confusing, slightly ashamed words. Hadn’t they decided to become friends? And didn’t friends – like Yuri had reminded him not so long ago – tell each other if not everything then at least _something_? How was it possible then that with every word and every look and every second Otabek understood less of what was going on between them? _Was_ there something going on between them after all? Or was he only misreading the very bizarre, very confusing signs?

“It’s over there”, he said shaking the thought off and pointed at the small acrylic glass canopy.

“That’s a bus stop”, Yuri recognized with confusion in his voice but Otabek only gave him a smile.

“A street car stop actually. Wait for it, you’ll see.”

They sat down on the bench. The cold wind blew one page of a newspaper past them and messed up Yuri’s hair so the Russian had a little struggle with his long strands whirling around his head. “Sure sucks to be a lion when it’s windy”, he said with a grin and pulled up his hood, cramming the blonde mess into it so that at least he could see the red car approaching. “Do we get on?”

“Yes, that is ours”, Otabek answered.

The car stood and they hurried to the opening doors, Yuri already suspecting that it was no ordinary street car: “What is it?”

Otabek just smiled at him as he got on.

Originally it had been an ordinary streetcar, but that must’ve been years ago. Now it was Almaty’s famous Tram Café with a few small tables, a counter with a fully automated coffee machine, a little bar and the friendly waitress Otabek had had on the phone earlier when he had reserved the table.

“Mr Altin, am I right?”, she said with a smile just when the car started going again and when he nodded led them to their very small table in the back of the car.

She let them sit and handed them the menu. “Call or raise your hand if you are ready to order”, she explained before retreating back to the counter again.

Yuri’s eyes were wide as he looked around. “This is so cool!”, he said, trying to get out of his coat but was too distracted by his surroundings to focus on the task. “I’ve never seen something like that.”

Otabek was actually very glad that Yuri liked it. He had been lucky that there was an open time slot tonight, because usually you needed to reserve a table early. The Tram Café was very popular after all.

They started flipping through the menu and Otabek made his decision soon but left the booklet open so Yuri wouldn’t feel under pressure.

The blonde flipped the pages back and forth and finally looked up to Otabek. “I can’t decide”, he whined.

“Any preferences?”, Otabek asked, resting his chin on his palm.

Yuri focused on the menu again. “The cakes all look very good”, he said and flipped the page. “But the pancakes as well. And have you seen the tiramisu? There’s one with raspberries and one with strawberries and one with starfruit as well.” He sighed and it made Otabek chuckle.

“Then order everything and if you can not eat it all at once we take the rest home for tomorrow.”

The tourmaline eyes lit up and Otabek couldn’t help but think what a beautiful, vivid creature the soldier from five years before had become.

He rose his hand and the waitress came over to take their orders. After Otabek had made sure that it would be okay to take the leftovers home Yuri started to read his list of favored treats. Otabek almost felt a bit boring when he ordered only walnut pancake.

When the waitress asked for drinks Yuri seemed surprised. “I forgot about those!”, he confessed and it made both Otabek and the waitress laugh.

“The tiramisu goes best with red wine”, she suggested. The look Yuri gave him was unambiguous.

“You should take her advice”, Otabek said. “I will take a bushmill.” The waitress gave them a wide smile and walked away.

The Russian’s green eyes got wide. “Isn’t the drinking age in Kazakhstan eighteen?”, he asked in a hushed voice. The way he made the question sound as if he had ordered a kilo of Crystalmeth was kind of cute.

“Don’t worry, I am pretty sure she will not call the cops”, Otabek joked but Yuri didn’t seem to be convinced so he added: “Actually, yes, it’s eighteen, but we are not very strict here, so if you do not overdo it or misbehave there will be no problem. And by misbehave I mean things like picking a fight with the rest of the customers, so relax.”

Yuri leaned back in his seat with one eyebrow rising. “I’ll trust you only because I know you don’t want Yakov come here to get me out of jail.”

Otabek laughed although the idea was really frightening. But there was really nothing to worry about. It had actually been kind of rude of him to not offer Yuri a glass of vodka before every meal, as he was his esteemed guest. But then again he didn’t even have a bottle of vodka at home, a matter of fact that his father used to complain about when he visited him once in a while.

“Is this thing using a normal railway?”, Yuri asked looking out of the window. They were passing a wide junction and Yuri followed the lights of the cars and lit windows outside with sparkling eyes.

“Yes, it has a timetable like a usual tram.”

“That’s so cool”, he repeated, nestling with his hair with one hand, absentmindedly looking out of the window.

Their corner was really small and cozy and the light rumble of the wagon suited the low swing music from the hidden speakers and the dim light all adding up to the nice atmosphere Otabek had heard so much about. He felt the weight of the box in his pocket, not an actual, physical weight but rather an emotional one. He looked around his chin still on his palm but soon he caught himself admiring the blonde across the table again like his eyes shifted to him automatically after a certain period of time.

“You’re staring again”, Yuri murmured and turned towards him.

Otabek shrugged. “I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“It doesn’t. It’s just that I can’t imagine why you do that all the time.” He combed his hair back behind his shoulders, but it fell back to frame his face immediately. “Then again I like looking at you as well.” His lips formed into a slight smile.

Otabek nodded. “I just noticed that you really changed a lot since when we got to know each other”, he explained. “You were pretty immature back then. Although your determination was a grown up’s already. But it has been three months and you have developed so much it’s almost spooky.”

Yuri’s voice was low but questing when he interrupted. “Don’t you like it?”

Otabek felt Yuri sounded way too neutral, the Yuri from before would have been offended for sure, but maybe that was a part of the change as well.

“I am in no position to judge your physical development”, he answered and leaned back. “Much less how you have grown mentally. I can not really say I have known you for a very long time, well, at least not in person. That sounds like I am a creep or a stalker, doesn’t it?” He grinned but Yuri remained awkwardly still, so he got serious again.

“I like it”, he said and supported the statement with a nod. “Everything. I told you before, I see you as you are now. I see that you have developed into a very pleasant-natured, upright, handsome, grown-up young man. I see that you are sad sometimes in a different way from how you probably were before, and happy sometimes in the same way and that your legs got slender and your childlike features have become more mature. Your way of talking has changed and so has, most likely, your way of thinking as well. I know that it is not going to stop any time soon, but that is okay. That is okay for me and it should be okay for you as well. I have liked you a lot when you were the small, noisy, slightly annoying Yuri, but I like the new Yuri as well, the Yuri who has endured so much in such a short time. I like you because you are my friend. And that won’t change, no matter how much you change.” He fell silent and Yuri nodded, but didn’t say anything. He probably needed some time to let it sink in.

When the waitress came and put down the glasses in front of them Yuri looked up and smiled. “Thanks”, he said but Otabek couldn’t tell who exactly he was addressing.


	10. On love: Maestro

A pile of cute little pancakes with apples and cinnamon, a tiramisu with starfruit, a piece of decadent looking rum-chocolate cake, Kazakh style milk pudding with nuts and – of course – Otabek’s thick pancake with caramel walnuts.

“This is heaven”, Yuri muttered. His eyes were shining as he admired the various sweets. “I don’t know where to start.”

Otabek picked up the small fork and separated a piece of the pancake from the rest, pricking it with the fork. “Start with the tiramisu so you know if it really goes well with the wine.”

The pancake was delicious and he chewed the crispy nuts and fluffy dough watching Yuri following the suggestion after taking the inevitable photo for instagram. The blonde’s face lit up when he sucked the creamy treat from the spoon and he reached out for the wine glass. The way he very carefully tried the beverage made it obvious that he had never drunken wine in his life before. He seemed to like it though, as after the first tiny sip he dared to take some more. “That’s really good”, he said and focused on the sweets again. “Yakov would never let me have all that. Especially not the wine”, he explained in between two bites. “He says that it destroys the brain and the organs. But I know it’s not true, because Victor is still alive and he was never sober when we were at Katsuki’s place.” He chuckled and took another sip. “I guess it all depends on the amount, right?” When Otabek nodded he seemed content. “And it’s not like I’m getting all wasted. I’m used to worse stuff.”

Otabek tilted his head. “You are?”

Licking his lips Yuri shrugged. “Yeah, sure, I’m not a virgin.” He stuffed tiramisu into his mouth and blushed and Otabek didn’t believe a word he said.

It turned out that not only the tiramisu went well with red wine but the chocolate cake as well and after Yuri had finished off the cake and the second glass of wine he ordered a third one although he decided to leave the rest of the desserts for tomorrow.

“Do you mind if I take a photo of you?”, he asked hesitantly, blushing, then explained: “You really look good with make-up and that light here. I mean you always look good, but… I mean...” He fell silent, his hands clenching around his phone.

“Feel free”, Otabek answered, delighted when he noticed how Yuri seemed to regain his self-consciousness, opening the camera app on his phone.

“Just stay exactly how you are”, he said and Otabek tried not to move. He really didn’t understand why Yuri wanted to have that photo, but he would do the Russian Fairy the favor.

Yuri took three or four photos with slightly different angles, then locked the screen and put the device back in the pocket of his zip-hoodie again.

“What are you drinking?”, he asked and leaned across the table with pink cheeks to examine Otabek’s glass.

“It’s Whiskey”, he answered. “I drink vodka usually, but pancake and vodka is not a good combination.”

Yuri laughed. “We’re all Soviet, everything goes with vodka.” He gestured towards the glass on Otabek’s side of the table. “Can I try a little?”

“Sure.” The Kazakh pushed the glass over to Yuri who rose it excitedly. At the very moment the liquid came in contact with his tongue he made a face that made Otabek laugh out loud. He put the glass down and hurried to push it back towards him. “Why?”, he blurted out, his face still in disgust. “That’s fucking awful! Why the hell do you drink something like that?”

“I like it”, Otabek said with a shrug, still grinning. “I knew you would not like it. You better stick with your wine.”

“That’s exactly what I’ll do.” With those words Yuri took another gulp of the dark red liquid that seemed to make the taste of the whiskey go away. “I wanna sit beside you, that whole driving backwards bullshit gives me nausea.”

He got up and sat down on the bench next to Otabek without even waiting for the black-haired’s approval. He stared out of the window and didn’t have any problem with being very close to him, but then again he had never been avoiding closeness to begin with. Now that Otabek thought about it he noticed that Yuri always seemed to try staying close by his side. He was very touchy-feely and how he snuggled up against Otabek every night before he fell asleep was really cute. And for some reason Otabek, who had considered himself a loner who didn’t like people at all, had no problem with that. He didn’t know why Yuri was like that, especially towards him who’d most likely never react because of general grumpiness, but he for sure wouldn’t complain. He didn’t have hopes that Yuri felt about him the way he felt about Yuri at all, so he didn’t show how much he longed for the blonde, and he certainly would not ever approach Yuri, but he’d never push him away either, although his self control had a hard time keeping his heartbeat and breathing and blushes under control sometimes. Maybe one day he’d tell Yuri how hard he had a crush on him but now was not the time. He wouldn’t make Yuri’s life even more complicated than it already was by making him deal with an infatuated, socially awkward fellow skater on top of everything.

“You’ve any plans for tomorrow?”, Yuri asked and looked at him while running his fingers through his hair, messing them up in a very beautiful way.

“Nothing in particular, do you?”

Yuri smiled. He seemed to be a little tipsy by now. “I’ve been thinking ‘bout that for a while now”, he began and blushed. “I really wanna know how to make piroshki. Like, how Grampa used to make them, y’know, because after Grampa died I thought that I’d never eat some again in my life but then I found this.” He pulled his wallet out of the pocket and opened it to pull out an old piece of paper. He unfolded it carefully, like it was very precious. “It’s his recipe. I saved it when they… When they came to clean the house.” He swallowed. “My mother had no interest in any of his stuff, but I kept some things. I’m so happy I found this. He prolly didn’t use it anymore, cause he knew it by heart for sure, but it looks like he used it a lot before, doesn’t it?”

He was right, the paper was tattered and stained and the ink faded.

Otabek nodded. Yuri hadn’t talked about his grandfather a lot before and Otabek was glad he now did. He didn’t know anything about Nikolai Plisetsky, but he had for sure been a kind person. Otabek wished he had been given the opportunity to get to know him. He had been the man who had raised the wonderful young man who sat so close to him right now after all.

“It’s not even his handwriting”, Yuri murmured with a weak, affectionate smile, looking down on the paper. “I guess my grandmother wrote it a long time ago and he kept it after she died. I can’t ask my mother ‘bout it though. Whenever I asked her about Dad’s side of the family she’d avoid it and say don’t know. As if I’d believe that.” His laugh sounded bitter.

“I am pretty sure that is a woman’s handwriting”, Otabek said and it made Yuri look up to him again with a smile.

“Yeah, right? Thought so as well! Wanna try it out tomorrow?”

Smiling, Otabek nodded. “Let me see if we need to go shopping first, I don’t know if I have all the ingredients at home.” He bent over the old paper that Yuri had laid down on the table. Reaching out for his wine glass Yuri placed the right hand on Otabek’s knee to keep his balance.

“Otabek”, he said after leaning back again and sipping on his wine, “can I ask you something and you promise you’ll be honest with me?”

Otabek looked at him. Their faces were so damn close again! And why was Yuri’s hand still on his knee? “Yes, sure.”

“Do I bother you?”

Otabek was surprised about the question. Why would Yuri ask that?

“Tell the truth. Even if I bug you. I can handle that. I just want… I just don’t wanna get in your way.”

Otabek sat back and took Yuri’s hand in his out of reflex or maybe because he thought that it was the right thing to do now. “You do not”, he said very firmly. “What gave you the idea?”

The look in the tourmaline eyes became soft, when Yuri looked down on their hands. He moved his around and entwined their fingers. “You’re fine by yourself. You live by yourself and you like it that way. You study and you skate and here I come and disturb your daily life and all and I haven’t even asked you if it’s okay for you. I didn’t even think about if I was a nuisance when I came here. The only thing I could think about was that I wanted to be with you, no one else, only with you, because I… I...” He fell silent, his hair hiding his face like a blonde curtain and Otabek heard his breath going like he was about to cry.

“It is okay”, he said in a hushed voice. “I said that it is fine if you stay with me as long as you want to, didn’t I? Look at me Yuri.” The blonde did, eyes shimmering with tears and Otabek continued: “I like you being with me. I am so glad you made that decision and came to my place. I really like you and I want to help you and I want to protect you and the only way I can do that is when you are here with me, right? Am I right?”

Yuri nodded, the half empty wine glass in his left hand long forgotten.

“I do not care if my life changes because of that. It actually has not changed that much either. And even if it did, I’d be glad if it changed because of you. You are my friend Yuratchka, more than that even. You are my best friend and I would never ever consider you a nuisance or bothersome.” He reached into the pocket and pulled the box out. “This is not like I imagined that to be, but screw it, and screw outshining Katsuki, I need to do that now.” He opened the box and took the ring and he slid it onto Yuri’s finger, his heart beating hard. “I want you to stay with me. As long as you want to. Will you do that?”

Yuri nodded and finally put the wine glass down to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, then looking down on the ring again.

“And tomorrow we will make some delicious piroshki, okay?”

Yuri nodded again and then he smiled brightly. “You know”, he sniveled, “sometimes I wish I was a girl, so you could be my boyfriend. You’re so super thoughtful and smooth and when you are so serious with that super pretty face of yours and all that, I’d totally hit on you so hard.” He giggled and rose his hand to his face to examine the ring close up. “And then I’d have insisted that you slide that ring on my left hand.”

Otabek’s insides scorched.

“So, first thing after breakfast tomorrow is shopping and then the maestros get to work!”, Yuri concluded oblivious of the chaos inside the heavy beating Kazakh heart and he emptied his wine.

“Chefs”, he sighed. “For cooks it is Chef, not Maestro.”

“Yes, Chef!”, Yuri said and saluted. “Can I have one more wine?”

“Order me a double gin tonic”, he replied and rubbed his temples. Those were the things that would take him to an early grave.


	11. On love: Incubus

 

 

The last glass of wine had been too much. Yuri hadn’t realized yet, but Otabek knew he would regret it tomorrow. It had all been fine in the Tram Café but it didn’t take long after they had left that the alcohol did what it did best. Otabek had heard that fresh air quickened the inebriation effect and maybe he had the opportunity now to see it happen before his very eyes.

“And then he didn’t show up for the training and Katsu… Katsudon asked me to show him jumps and I swear to God he was sssooo scared of me!” Yuri chuckled and clinging to Otabek’s arm rested his head on the Kazakh’s shoulder while walking. “It’s not that cold anymore, is it?”, he murmured.

“It is, you just don’t feel it because you are drunk.”

“I’m not drunk!” Yuri chuckled. “Well, maybe I’m a little, but it’s fun.” He hummed a few tones, then laughed. “Y’know I was drunk one time before, with Mila. And Yakov almost killed both of us, ‘cause he found out, ‘cause I upped a photo on insta.” He let go of Otabek to pull up his hood and leapt ahead a few steps turning towards Otabek with a happy smile. “How many girlfriends have you had?”, he asked walking backwards. “Tell the truth!”

Otabek only hoped that the Russian fairy didn’t trip and fall. “Altogether… six. One-night-stands not included.” Not that he remembered the exact amount of those. And for whatever reason Yuri wanted to know. There was no point in debating with a drunk teenager though, was there?

“Wooow, amazing!”, Yuri said in English, mimicking Victor. “Not missing out on anything, are you?” He shook his hands like he had burnt his fingers. “What were they like?”

Otabek made a face. And here he had thought Yuri was already indiscreet when he was sober. Looked like there was no limit. “What do you mean ‘What were they like’?”

Yuri chuckled. “Were they hot?”

Otabek shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” Why did Yuri care at all?

“Oh, c’mon, don’t spare the details. Friends tell each other ev’rything, remember? And I told you exactly what I like about a… person.”

With a heavy sigh Otabek nodded. “Actually, most of them were rather cute. The only one I would say was hot was Nadja. Well, and Ekaterina, the one you’ve seen.”

“Pizza girl, right?” Yuri waited for Otabek to walk beside him again. “I don’t like her.”

“You don’t know her”, Otabek cut in, but Yuri laughed.

“And still I don’t like her!” He grabbed Otabek’s arm again. “There we are already! Do you have wine at home?”

“No, and even if I had, I would not give you any.”

Yuri pouted. “Why not? I’m fine!”

Otabek smiled. “You will know why when you wake up tomorrow.” He pulled his key out of the pocket when they arrived at the door. It was half past one in the morning already, so the lady from the first floor had locked the door for sure. “Keep it low”, he whispered when he opened the door and tipsy Yuri nodded and tripped over the first step already, holding onto Otabek’s shoulders for support, chuckling quietly. The sound so close to Otabek’s ear and the hot breath on his neck made him inhale shakily.

They climbed the stairs and finally made it to his floor where Yuri almost ran into him, because he had been focused on not missing any of the stairs and hadn’t paid attention to Otabek stopping to open the door to his apartment.

“Sorry~”, he giggled and stumbled through the door. He didn’t make it beyond the entrance and crashed down with something in between a laugh and surprised yelp.

Otabek hurried to close the door and put the bag with the desserts down. “Yuri, are you alright?!”, he exclaimed and rushed to the Russian who turned around to hold his knee with a wide grin.

“What total retard placed his bloody bag in the middle of the hallway?”, he chuckled and tried to blow the shaggy strands out of his face.

“Are you hurt?” Otabek was worried. If something happened to Yuri Yakov would come for his head at the very least.

“I’m not made of glass”, he said and laid down flat on his back. “Kiss it to make it better.”

Otabek froze.

“Just kidding, broheim, no need to petrify.” He sighed, closing his eyes. “Just leave me behind here, I don’t think I can make it to the bedroom. Let me sleep here.”

Otabek slipped out of his boots and knelt down to untie Yuri’s leopard printed sneakers and strip them off Yuri’s feet. “No way, if you strain your back or catch a cold I’m a dead man. Besides I am not going to bear with more whining than absolutely necessary tomorrow. So get your sweet rear up and go brush your teeth, I’ll turn the heater on.”

With a groan Yuri got on all fours and crawled a few inches before getting up on his feet again, getting out of his coat just dropping it on the floor where he was.

Sighing Otabek put Yuri’s shoes down besides his own, hung his jacket and scarf on the hall stand and went to pick up Yuri’s coat. How could Yuri be so wasted after only four glasses of wine and that little gin tonic he had tried from Otabek’s glass? Otabek had never seen someone with such a low tolerance. But after all despite everything he had said about being no virgin Yuri seemed to be way more inexperienced than he wanted to admit.

He found the Russian’s scarf, sweater and T-Shirt on the floor in front of the locked bathroom door and picked it all up to stow it away. He then went to finally turn the heater on, fluffed up the blanket and pillow and changed. Yuri still was busy in the bathroom and the Kazakh went to the kitchen to put the desserts in the refrigerator, fetch a bottle of water and check his stocks in advance to have an idea on what to buy for the piroshki tomorrow.

It took another five minutes until he heard the bathroom door and Yuri’s scuffling steps to the bedroom.

“Did you throw up?”, he called after him, because he thought that it certainly didn’t take ten minutes to only brush one’s teeth, but Yuri cheerily replied: “What am I, a sissy?”

Otabek closed the cabinet wordlessly and went to brush his teeth.

When he came to the bedroom Yuri was lying on top of the blanket in nothing but his boxers and sighing once more Otabek dragged a shirt out of his closed and threw it on Yuri’s head. The younger skater groaned.

“Put it on or I will do it for you”, he said closing the door, then came to the bed, crawling over Yuri who obeyed unwillingly.

“What’s ‘The Forced Oscillations’?”, he asked reading the print on the black shirt with narrowed eyes.

“A band. Nothing you would like though, I guess.”

“Why not?”, Yuri asked sticking his fluffy head through the neckline. “I’ve liked other stuff you listen to before, remember?”

“It’s a Russian dark wave band”, he explained. “Really not your kind of music.”

Yuri didn’t answer but tried to get the arms through the designated holes. When he had eventually completed the task Otabek pulled the blanket over them and switched the light off, only causing Yuri to wriggle in really close to him, closer even than usual. Most likely because he was drunk.

It took ten minutes until Yuri whispered his name. “Otabek… you asleep?”

There were two possibilities: either Yuri wasn’t satisfied with his explanation of the band, or he was going to start asking about his girlfriends again. Both were not topics that Otabek was in a mood to discuss at two o’clock in the morning, so he pretended he had already fallen asleep. He wondered why Yuri was still awake, hadn’t he been so exhausted a few minutes ago that he had been okay with sleeping on the floor in the hallway? He had expected him to fall asleep within minu-

He couldn’t focus anymore when he felt Yuri’s hand on his chest.

The soft fingertips trailed up to his collarbone, than down again, over his stomach, stopping when they arrived at the elastic waistband of his boxers. The Russian’s shivering inhale was audible then the fingers slipped under Otabek’s shirt. The touch made his heart beat faster.

He hadn’t expected something like that.

At all.

He should have said something, when Yuri had asked if he was asleep. And as he still was thinking about how to react Yuri’s hand stroked across his stomach again, up to his ribs and sidewards to where he had his tattoo. He decided on laying still until it was over. It certainly wouldn’t take too long until Yuri fell asleep after all. And he really didn’t want to make Yuri realize that he’d caught him red handed. He was just drunk and pulse triggered, no need to overreact and make the situation awkward.

There was no denying though that the hesitant touches had an effect on Otabek. He hadn’t been close to someone for months, especially not someone as sweet and insecure as Yuri. The blonde felt for the arch of Otabek’s ribs, his breath had quickened. When he nestled closer to him, Otabek had to hold back a gasp, especially when Yuri put his left leg over Otabek and placed his cheek on the Kazakh’s chest.

What the hell was the boy doing? Should he stop him? Or would he stop himself any time soon?

Otabek focused on calming down his breath, but it was tough and as he felt Yuri’s hardening erection rubbing against his hip he hardly stifled a pant.

Tender fingers clung onto his skin. Yuri’s heavy breathing became a constant quiet moaning as he moved his crotch against Otabek. He had shifted further on top of Otabek and the messy blonde hair tickled his throat. It was unbearable, everything of that. Why, for God’s sake, did that happen to him? He had a hard time resisting Yuri when he was sitting across the table or occasionally nestling up close to him or giving him his wonderful smile, what had he done in his last life to be put to the test like that now? He could have him so easily right now. He could just pull him close and kiss him and touch him and do whatever he wanted with him – to him! - and Yuri probably wouldn’t even resist, being the innocent, drunk, horny teenager he was. But there was no way he could do that. He couldn’t use Yuri like that. He couldn’t utilize him like he had utilized his past girlfriends, them being a mere substitute to still his growing hunger for the Russian fairy, turning them to lie on their stomach, burying his face in their very blonde hair that smelled nothing like he wanted it to. Not like that light golden strands tickling his skin in this very moment.

‘Don’t move!’, his sanity screamed at him. ‘If you move, he’ll know. He’ll know that you have been awake all along and he’ll be embarrassed and you’ll never be able to fix that. Bear it, it’s just some hair on your skin, his beautiful, beautiful hair.’

When Yuri moaned lowly and pressed his forehead against Otabek’s collarbone it became unbearable. Almost out of reflex he raised his left hand, that had unwittingly clenched onto the sheets beneath him, and carefully pushed away the strands that had laid down on his neck.

Yuri froze with a gasp.

‘Do something!’, the voice in his head yelled. ‘Before he’s ashamed and backs away, don’t embarrass him like that, or he’ll never be able to look you in the eye again!’

And he did. He buried his left hand in the thick hair and placed the right one on Yuri’s back, pulling him a little closer. He didn’t dare to say anything, he was so scared of how his voice would sound like. So he acted like he used to do and wordlessly let Yuri know that it was okay.

Yuri rewarded him with the sweetest, most arousing moan and pressed his erection against him. Otabek felt his tongue on his sternum through the fabric of his shirt. It almost drove him crazy. His fingers acted on his own when they disheveled Yuri’s hair. He wanted to kiss him so badly. But he resisted. Yuri trusted him. And now was the time to prove that he was worth it.

He couldn’t resist running his hands up and down Yuri’s delicate spine though. The slender body arched against him and Yuri whimpered in lust. He was about to come. His teeth had caught the fabric of Otabek’s shirt and he clung onto the Kazakh’s shoulders when Otabek wrapped his fingers around the fragile nape. Just a little more. His right hand slid down to Yuri’s backside and grabbed it firmly. Yuri shuddered and held his breath for a moment, before groaning loudly, collapsing onto Otabek. His limbs slackened and Otabek let go of him when the blonde rolled to the side breathing heavily. After some more moments he snuggled up to Otabek and sighed in the most satisfied way.

It took only seconds until he was asleep leaving Otabek behind with his confused heart and the boner of his life.

 


	12. On love: Painkiller

 

 

It was half past nine when Otabek woke up. It had happened eventually. He had wrapped his arms around Yuri and the blonde lay with his head resting on his shoulder. The closeness brought back the last night immediately: Yuri’s touch, the sound of his voice, the heavy breathing against Otabek’s chest, the feeling of his skin under Otabek’s fingers, his hair…

The Kazakh swallowed hard. He had laid still when Yuri had fallen asleep, that enticing little devil, so seductive, so sugar-sweet, and in the end his arousal had vanished because there was nothing he could do about it but wait for it to disappear, not as long as Yuri was so close to him, sleeping peacefully and looking as innocent as he probably in a way really was. He’d not remember a second of what had happened, Otabek was sure about that. And he hoped that he was right because he didn’t want Yuri to change towards him. They hardly knew each other, but as little as there was between them Otabek would not put it in any danger, no matter what.

“Stay with me”, he whispered and ran his fingers through Yuri’s hair.

He kept holding Yuri until a strange sound interrupted him. When he looked around confused he noticed it was the sound of Yuri’s phone vibrating on the bedside cabinet.

_Yuliya calling_

The name made Otabek frown. A girl? Yuri had never mentioned a Yuliya before, had he?

The Russian shifted and opened his eyes frowning, then instinctively reached out for his phone. When he recognized the name on the screen he muted the phone completely and put it back on the cabinet before snuggling against Otabek again.

“Good morning”, the Kazakh murmured but all Yuri managed to reply with was a grunt that was so grumpy it make Otabek smile.

“I’ll go for a run, sleep a little more, okay?” He broke the contact and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. After that he filled a glass with water and put it on the night stand alongside an aspirin. “Take that, it will make you feel better”, he murmured, stroking Yuri’s messy hair. The Russian had turned his back towards him, the blanket being pulled all the way up to his chin. With a soft smile Otabek got dressed and left.

The air outside was still cold, but the sun was so bright, one could have the impression that spring was on the doorstep. It was the fifth of march after all, so it was no wonder. But the birds chirping up there in the trees alongside the path in the park close to his apartment and the light blue sky made him feel unusually excited for spring.

The sound of the gravel under his shoes and his slowly but steadily accelerating breath relaxed Otabek, so that he finally had time to get his thoughts in order. It was just now that he realized under how much pressure he had been the past few days. Sure, he had fun with Yuri and he wanted to be close to him – the closer the better – but caring about someone was way more exhausting than expected, especially if you were a loner used to care about no one really. And didn’t they say that teenagers were hard to handle? He imagined that even within this category Yuri was still outstanding, considering the things that had happened to him lately. Maybe the last night had been inevitable to start with. There was probably so much sadness and angst and anger and confusion piled up in the fragile heart that it was surprisingly enough that Yuri hadn’t done anything more drastic after the alcohol had made his self-restraint melt away like the damp snow under the spring sun. If Otabek simulated how he would have acted in Yuri’s place he came to the conclusion that he might’ve snapped already. Four glasses of wine and a little sexual tension was actually kind of harmless and in a way clearly not enough to blow off steam.

The thought scared Otabek a little. He had no idea what Yuri really felt inside. He had told him how bad he had felt back home and how he had felt that no one really cared for him anymore, at least not for the Yuri off the ice. The decision to travel all the way to Kazakhstan without letting anyone know must have been an act of pure despair. What if Otabek hadn’t been at home? What if he had moved to another place without letting Yuri know? What if he had sent him away? Yuri had thought that through for sure, but still he had decided to gamble and fly to Almaty, just to see a guy he hardly knew and hoping that he would have him. How bad a situation was there to decide and rely so much on his luck instead of enduring whatever was going on at home. How awful was it really back there?

Otabek came to a halt and stared up to the sky. The feeling that there was more to Yuri’s pain had not vanished. If anything it pushed itself to the fore more than ever. He needed to talk to Yuri. Maybe not today, not with the boy’s hangover, but soon. He couldn’t help Yuri when he didn’t know anything. And he wanted to be there for him more than anything else.

He started running again, faster this time, to make the endeavor wash away the doubt inside him.

After he had circled the park two more times he decided to head back, stopping at the grocery store on the way to buy the missing ingredients for the piroshkis.

When he came home Yuri was still in bed, but not asleep anymore. Instead he was scrolling through his phone, probably instagram, when Otabek entered the bedroom to fetch some clean clothes to wear after showering. At least half of the glass of water and the aspirin had gone, so Yuri felt better for sure. The blonde turned towards him, holding out his phone. Was he taking a photo again?

“Are you feeling better?”, Otabek asked, ignoring the satisfied look on Yuri’s face when he checked on the photo he had just taken.

“Yeah”, Yuri mumbled, “but I know now what you meant yesterday, when you said you wouldn’t let me drink more when we get home. My head hurts like fucking hell.” He pushed his hair out of his face and put the phone down. “Have you been shopping already? I think I heard the sound of a plastic bag when you came home.”

“Your ears are good”, Otabek replied. “I’ll shower and if you are in the mood we can have breakfast and then try out the recipe you showed me yesterday.”

The blonde skater nodded. “I’ll shower before breakfast as well, to warm me up, my whole body hurts. Is that normal after you’ve been drunk?”

Otabek frowned. “Not from what I have experienced. Maybe that’s because you fell to the floor in the hallway when we came home.”

One of Yuri’s elegant slim eyebrows rose. “Oh, did I?” He chuckled. “I actually don’t remember how we arrived home...”

‘Is he serious? After only that little wine?’ “You did. I hope you are not seriously hurt. That would get us both in real trouble.”

Yuri sat up slowly, then folding back the blanket and ran his fingers over his limbs. “My knees and ankles hurt”, he said after a moment, his voice awkwardly expressionless. “I don’t think that’s because I fell though. Maybe I’m growing again. This feels like back then when I had that growth spurt in December.”

Otabek did remember that it had happened to him as well, one time only. He was really not tall, but when he had been 14 he’d had that one week when he couldn’t move and cried most of the days because his joints had hurt like someone had slammed them with a really big hammer. “During finals?” It was more a statement than a question. Yuri had skated in that pain?

“It’s not like I had much of a choice”, he murmured staring at his thin legs. “I took a lot of painkillers though.”

Otabek came over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. “You know that’s dangerous, don’t you?”, he said in the softest voice he managed.

Yuri nodded. “No one noticed though”, he said with a strangely sad smile. “It’s not like they suspect a child like me to dope.” He laughed bitterly, but Otabek cut in immediately.

“That’s not it!” He didn’t care that he rose his voice. “You could have damaged your body. You should not strain your joints like that when you are growing. Didn’t Yakov tell you that?”

Yuri grinned. “As if I’d let him know...”

Otabek stared at him in disbelief. Was that boy insane?

“Listen, Otabek, I know you probably think I have a screw loose somewhere, but I’m not stupid. If I hadn’t competed, it had ruined everything. I’ve lived my whole life for this one moment, for this one competition. There was no way I would’ve given that up because of a little pain here and there. Actually I couldn’t care less if I had ruined my body back then. I need gold or that’s it for me, all or nothing. If I can’t go that far secure than I’m fine with any harm I can take because I’ll disappear in the end, one way or the other. I can’t keep it up forever, I have to take every advantage there is as long as there is one. I’ll fail eventually. And when that happens there is nothing left for me to do, no place for me to go. I live to skate and I skate so I have a reason to live. There is no hope for me when I lose that. I need to go on no matter what. I don’t care about _any_ damage. Because I know that it can’t possibly be worse than disappearing. Don’t they say that to be forgotten is worse than death? At least it’s true for me. But for now I have made history and they will not forget me too soon. So it was worth taking the risk, don’t you think?” His smile was menacing and it sent chills down Otabek’s spine.

“Was it your own idea?”, he asked, his voice sounding hollow.

“As I said, I’m not stupid. And I had 16 years to think about where I belong.”

Never had he ever heard something that scary. Scary and sad and hopeless. He wanted to grab Yuri’s shoulders and shake him, wake him up from whatever nightmare he was stuck in, make that terrible smile go away, make those terrible thoughts go away. He wanted to hug him, tightly but softly, show him that there was a place to go, that there was somewhere he could belong. And at the same time he wanted to scream at him, make him understand that he not only hurt himself but Otabek as well, that hearing such a confession felt like getting stabbed in the heart with knives as hot as fire and as cold as ice. It was sheer coincidence that he didn’t start crying, because he felt like it, he was just so shocked. He wanted to do so many things at once. But he did nothing. He just sat there, petrified, motionless, staring at Yuri who was himself staring at his feet, bruised in all the colors the ivory skin could take.

“I trust you that you won’t tell anyone, okay?”, Yuri said after a while, looking up to him with stern expression. His hands rubbed his knees, likely to ease the pain. “I haven’t talked about that to anyone before. I want that to remain our secret. Is that okay for you?”

When Otabek nodded silently a shy smile formed on Yuri’s lips. “You really are pretty when you are that serious. But I like it better when you smile. Can you do that for me? Smile? Just a little.”

Again Otabek remained silent, but this time shaking his head. How could he possibly smile after what he’d just heard. His heart was breaking.

Yuri’s smile became bitter. “I guess it’s too much to ask. But really, don’t worry, everything’s fine now.” He rose his hand and cupped Otabek’s cheek. “As long as I’m with you everything is fine.”

Otabek swallowed hard. “I can get you more painkillers”, he murmured. When Yuri nodded with a low “Please” he got up and headed towards the bathroom where he kept the medicine. But before he could leave the bedroom Yuri’s voice made him stop:

“Otabek.” He swung his legs over the edge of the mattress looking beautiful and thin and vulnerable in the dim light that fell through the almost closed shutter. “Thank you, okay? I love how you care for me. I need that right now. And it feels very good. Thank you for keeping me.”

Otabek nodded, then left the room. The tears started falling so suddenly. He hadn’t cried in years. But it was all too much to take.

‘Focus’, he told himself. ‘He needs you now. You can help him out of there. Maybe you’re the only one.’

He went through the small boxes in the mirror cabinet, but his vision blurred more and more and the boxes fell into the sink and then his tears fell onto the boxes. He held onto the white porcelain with shivering hands, squinting his eyes. He couldn’t be weak, not now! Angrily he wiped the tears away, dug through the boxes and finally found the right pills. He inhaled deeply then went back to the bedroom.

Yuri still sat on the mattress, rubbing his knees with thin fingers. The ring shone only a little in the twilight.

“Here”, Otabek said, holding out the box for Yuri.

When the blonde looked up his eyes grew wide. But Otabek already turned away, grabbing his clothes that he had left on the chair by the desk.

“Otabek, are you crying?”

“I’ll go shower”, he said with a hoarse voice and hurried to the bathroom. The tears had stopped as quickly as they had come, but on the inside everything hurt. Turning the hot water on and getting out of his clothes he tried to shake off the bad feeling as well. He decided to see it as a challenge. He’d save Yuri. He had promised himself so many times, reciting it like a mantra, like it became true if he just repeated it over and over again.

“I will save you”, he whispered, his skin turning red under the too hot water. “I will save you. I will save you.” The words made something in his heart catch fire.


	13. On love: Silence

 

After rinsing the shampoo from his hair and the soap from his body, basically finished showering, Otabek stood there for a while, eyes closed, letting the hot water wash away his hesitation. The sound of the water rushed in his ears and on his skull, just like the thoughts rushing inside. He didn’t want to face Yuri after what had happened. He didn’t want to explain why he had been so immature, why he had run away even if it was only to the bathroom, postponing the following encounter, postponing the questions. He wondered himself why he had fled from the beautiful green eyes he had loved so much for what felt like all his life, when they had widened in surprise. He probably just didn’t want to let Yuri see how weak he was and how much he was struggling to keep his feelings insides, much less let him witness that he obviously wasn’t even capable of that anymore. He couldn’t answer the questions that would without a doubt be uttered. In all honesty, he could, but he didn’t want to.

After some time he felt guilty. Yuri had wanted to take a shower to make the pain if not go away than at least become easier to endure. It was selfish to occupy the bathroom for so long. Yuri’s pain was of a whole different quality than his own, this was not the time to whine.

He sighed and stopped the water. The towel draped over the edge of the shower cabinet had become wet at one tip and he wrung it out with one hand, before not very thoroughly drying first his hair and his skin afterwards.

When he stepped out of the steamy shower, rubbing the towel over his lower arms, he froze.

“I’m sorry.”

His heart skipped a beat. Two maybe.

Yuri sat on the toilet lid, his shoulders hunched, his hands convulsed in his lap. The blonde hair was once more messy and the sunlight falling through the small window made it sparkle like gold thread. Pale and with apologetic eyes Yuri looked at him. “I’m sorry, Otabek. I hurt you, again, although I promised you to never do that again. Please… forgive me.”

Otabek just stood there, unable to move. The black shirt was too big on Yuri, making him look even more vulnerable than usual. The silence was heavy. He saw the muscles of Yuri’s jaw twitching as if he grit his teeth but after a moment it was gone again. Wasn’t Yuri going to ask? _What’s wrong with you? Why did you cry? Why did you run away? What the hell is wrong with you?_

He tensed up, when Yuri’s lips parted again and his voice was to be heard but it still was not what Otabek expected.

“Can you… accept my apology?”

The questions just didn’t come.

“Yes”, he said after one more moment. He didn’t recognize his voice. It sounded so steady.

Yuri’s lips formed into a smile instantly. “Thanks.”

With a nod, Otabek wrapped the towel around his waist. “The shower is yours”, he said and Yuri thanked him with a slight bow of his head, the smile still there, even when Otabek left the bathroom, his clothes in his hands.

Maybe he had misjudged Yuri, had underestimated his empathy. He had once heard Victor say that skaters’ hearts were as fragile as glass, and he might have been right there. But that meant not only that they could easily be broken. It also meant that they were able to make sense of other hearts much more easily than other people. Yuri had without a doubt known why Otabek had hidden under the water. The blonde boy had never been shy or avoiding bringing things out in the open. His confession from earlier was proof of that. And if it had been someone else, he probably would have asked for an explanation. But somehow he had known that Otabek couldn’t talk. And he had adapted. His apology had been sudden. But he had stopped at the right point. He’d most likely never mention that he had seen Otabek’s tears ever again. And Otabek was glad.

Absentmindedly smiling he dressed and made his way to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Just then he caught a glance of the lit up screen of Yuri’s smartphone on the mattress. Even from the distance Otabek could recognize the green receiver symbol and the name.

_Yuliya calling_

With a frown Otabek stepped closer. Of course he wouldn’t touch Yuri’s phone. But whoever that Yuliya person was, she was really persistent. After some seconds the call ended and the phone automatically listed the calls. It were thirtyseven. _37_ _missed calls from Yuliya_. It was creeping Otabek out. Yuri hadn’t answered any of them, coming in from what the time stamp said was a frequency of 15 to 30 minutes all the way back to half past nine when Otabek had noticed for the first time, and then from 10 p.m. last night. The list didn’t show more entries than the eight visible, and Otabek wouldn’t dare to check, but it gave him a really bad feeling. Who was that person? Was she molesting Yuri? Maybe some kind of stalker? But in that case Yuri would have blocked out the number for sure, wouldn’t he? He certainly knew her, why else had he saved her number with her name. If she was someone dangerous it would have suited him to save the number under _that_ - _nag-again_ or _don’t-pick-up_.

The screen went black and it woke the Kazakh from his rigidity. Maybe it was the best idea to wait until he witnessed another call and ask Yuri about it then. There was no point in speculating.

With a sigh he finally went to the kitchen.

The tea was ready when Yuri entered the kitchen, bare feet with tight black-and-gray leopard jerseys and black stand-up collar shirt. He had pinned up his moist hair and looked more like from a fashion magazine than ever before.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting”, he said with a light smile and when Otabek gestured towards the chair he obediently sat down.

Otabek poured them tea and Yuri wrapped his fingers around the mug. The ring made a clicking sound on the porcelain.

“Do you feel better?”, Otabek inquired and added some milk to his tea. He had noticed that Yuri never had his tea with milk. Maybe it wasn’t common in Russia.

“ _A lot_ better”, the blonde skater replied and reached out for the sliced pineapple Otabek had prepared. “My head still hurts though.” He shrugged and picked up a slice with pointy fingers. “By the way, I hadn’t realized earlier, but you said you already went shopping. I didn’t know the shops are open on sundays. They aren’t in Russia.”

Otabek sipped on his tea. “Some are open”, he then answered and watched Yuri eating the fruit, then licking the juice off his fingers. How could one single boy be so adorable and beautiful and alluring? “In rural areas they are most likely closed but this was the capital after all, so they meet the customers’ needs.”

Yuri nodded. “Thank God, I’m very excited about the both of us cooking.” He smiled brightly. “I’m not very skilled when it comes to housework, but I really enjoyed it whenever I had the opportunity to help my grampa cooking.” At the mention of his grandfather, the smile became a little sad.

“You miss him a lot, don’t you?”, Otabek asked, not sure if it was a good idea to bring up the topic. He didn’t want to remind Yuri of it. But then again it was probably always on his mind.

As expected Yuri nodded. “It’s still so weird to think that he’s gone and will never be back again. It feels like I lost everything but at the same time my life goes on without changing too much. It doesn’t fit together. It’s like there are two realities coexisting, one in which I want to only cry and never stop and one in which I get up in the morning and live a normal life and go to bed in the evening.” He picked up another piece of pineapple and broke it into two halves. “It doesn’t feel like it’s been almost a month either. I still hear his voice calling my name when he picks me up from the rink. I still see him on the sofa. Not to mention the sofa is gone now as well.” He chuckled. “I can handle that though. It was so worn-out.” He ate the pineapple and looked at Otabek again who had kept silent. “I do. I miss him”, he then murmured. “More than words can say. But he wouldn’t want me to be all devastated I guess. So I try to enjoy the moments when I’m happy and when I’m sad I allow myself to be sad, but I won’t let the grief rule my life. You help me a lot actually. I hope you don’t feel too depressed because of me. I just can’t control how I feel sometimes. It’s getting better though. Most people can’t tell obviously, but despite your stern expression and all the meaningful silence you are quite enjoyable company to be honest.” He laughed and Otabek grinned as well.

“I do my best”, he said and spread ewe’s cheese on his bread. “I am never quite sure how to handle people, especially if they are important to me. I always think I might do something wrong or stupid or inappropriate and therefore I often do not do anything at all, but then I find that's maybe even worse. But I try do be the best I can for you.” He took a bite and kept his gaze lowered. It was strange to talk about his innermost thoughts. But he owed Yuri that much honesty. _Friends tell each other._

“You are actually pretty awesome already”, Yuri said and when Otabek looked up, Yuri’s smile was so lovely and bright that it made him blush.

“I really enjoy tidying the kitchen after cooking”, he mumbled.

Yuri laughed. “I correct myself, you are perfect!”

Otabek hid his darkening blush behind his mug.

“Before I forget,”, Yuri interrupted the accelerated beating of the Kazakh heart, “what’s The Forced Oscillations? It was on the T-Shirt I woke up with.”

“A band”, Otabek answered smiling. “Still not your type of music though.”

“What do you mean ‘still’?” Yuri picked up a slice of bread and ripped it into pieces before stuffing the fluffy flocks in his mouth.

“You asked me the exact same thing last night when I gave you the shirt.”

Yuri chuckled. “You can’t be sure I don’t like it”, he supposed. “I’ve liked other stuff you listen to, right?”

“Right.” Yuri didn’t remember, but Otabek did and it made him grin.

“Will you show me later?”

Otabek nodded and decided on having some of his favorites playing while preparing the piroshkis. As if he’d ever deny any of Yuri’s wishes.

They spent some time on the couch, Otabek reading and Yuri who was once more nestling up to him watching videos on his smartphone, holding out the device to show his friend videos of cats once in a while. It was peaceful and Otabek enjoyed the silence, the golden light of the afternoon fading into a pleasant evening’s darkness, the barely visible but constant smile on the Russian’s lips.

When Yuri’s stomach growled Otabek closed his book. “Let’s get to work, Maestro”, he suggested with a smile and Yuri got up excitedly.

It turned out that although preferring post-hardcore most of the time, Yuri was actually fine with a little electro and darkwave here and there. While they were cooking Otabek had his favorite non-classical mix-tape playing and Yuri, whose headache finally had disappeared, was dancing around the flour-powdered table. The kitchen was a mess within minutes but it was okay for Otabek as long as Yuri was having fun. When he recognized a song by The Cure he even tried to sing along but only managed to babble something that sounded a little like Korean with only the ending of the lines being recognizable as the English lyrics.

When the piroshkis were in the oven at last Yuri sat down in front of it to watch the dough become golden through the shaded glass, bobbing his head with the rhythm of Sisters Of Mercy. Otabek started cleaning the kitchen in the meantime.

“Those look exactly like Grampa’s”, he stated after some time, “and they smell like it too.”

“Because of the cloves”, Otabek assumed. “The aroma is really outstanding. I have never used them for piroshki, but maybe that’s what makes the recipe different from others.”

“Awesome”, the boy on the kitchen floor commented dreamily. There was a piece of onion skin tangled in his hair; when Otabek plucked it from the golden strands Yuri looked up to him and he was so beautiful that it made Otabek’s heart hurt. He held out the brownish onion skin like it was an excuse.

“Thanks.” Yuri’s smile was beyond gorgeous.

After some more cleaning and quiet admiration the piroshkis were done and they sat down on the sofa again, the TV showing a programme about cougars.

“The shape is a disaster”, Yuri said after a few bites. “But they taste really like I wanted them to.”

Otabek could only agree. For the first attempt he found the shape was okay as well, but there sure was some room for improvement. “It was fun, too”, he replied.

Yuri flashed him a smile. “Yeah, right?” He looked at Otabek for a long, awkward moment, with glittering eyes and an angelic smile. “Thank you.”

Otabek didn’t know what to say and before he could come up with something Yuri already went on, his smile becoming a wide grin:

“Especially for cleaning behind me.”

 

 

 


	14. On love: Broken

 

 

After the programme about the cougars had ended there was one about all the fauna of Siberia airing and they kept it running because Yuri was sure they’d cover tigers in it. He had snuggled up into the woolen blanket once more and laid his head down on Otabek’s lap like he had done a few days ago already and Otabek could feel his heart beating very hard, especially when Yuri had started to absentmindedly run his fingertips in twisted patterns on Otabek’s knee. The Kazakh prayed to God that he wouldn’t get a boner and concentrated on the snow rabbits that scampered across the screen. After some time the motion of Yuri’s fingers stopped and his breathing got very calm. Otabek watched the literal sleeping beauty for some time before he rose his hand, that had been on Yuri’s hips all the time and started fiddling around with the boy’s now untied golden hair.

“Are you really asleep?”, he asked in a hushed voice, but received no reaction. Maybe Yuri was just as good at pretending as he himself had been last night. “If you are not, then let me know, because there’s something really important I have to tell you.” He waited for some seconds, then went on: “I really should not sit here like an idiot and talk to someone sleeping. That is ridiculous, isn’t it.”

He sighed and closed his eyes putting his head back. He had never felt what he felt right now. It was some kind of pain, but it was pleasant in a way. He recalled something similar, the feeling when he had seen Yuri cry on the ice after his legendary skate. He had wanted to run to him, drag him into his arms and tell him that everything would be fine. Because although he had made history Yuri had looked like he was breaking apart. And here he laid, on his lap, with his grandfather dead, his skin pale, getting thinner and thinner, run away from home, run away from everything.

“Am I really the one to save you?”, Otabek whispered and he felt exhausted. But at the same time he was so damn happy. He looked back at the slightly opened lips and wanted to kiss them so badly. “I will try”, he said in a whisper. “I will do what I can, my little Yuratchka. If only the gods let it be enough.”

He stroked the light golden hair to wake Yuri up. ”Let’s go to bed”, he said with a smile. He was getting tired too at last.

“Carry me”, Yuri replied and closed his eyes again wriggling himself in a more comfortable position and even closer to Otabek. He was lovely.

“Come on, I am tired as well.” He reached out for the remote control and shut down the TV and Yuri growled because Otabek was moving to much. He finally sat up again, trying to get his hair in order (without any result) and yawned.

“You go brush your teeth first”, he commanded and picked up his phone. Otabek didn’t quite understand why Yuri wanted him to do that but he stood up nevertheless and did as he had been told.

When he was finished, Yuri was waiting by the door already and something in his eyes made Otabek frown.

“Is everything alright?”, he asked and Yuri nodded.

“I just wanna be by myself for a moment.”

His words upset Otabek a little. “Sure, take your time”, he offered, but his frown didn’t vanish. He went to the bedroom and fluffed up the pillows and the blanket before sitting down on the bed.

It was really unusual for Yuri to express the will to be by himself all of a sudden, wasn’t it? He had been the one who had been getting closer and closer to Otabek all the time after all. Even if he needed his private time in the bathroom, that didn’t explain why he hadn’t come with Otabek to brush his teeth together with him like they had done before. Now that he thought about it he had locked himself up in the bathroom yesterday as well, and on the day he had arrived he had been in the bathroom for a really long time. And hadn’t he disappeared to the bathroom at the skating hall for more than ten minutes back then as well? What was he doing in there for such unnatural spans of time again and again? Locking up the room like he at all costs wanted to avoid that he was caught doing- yes, caught doing _what_?

The more Otabek thought about it, the fishier it seemed to him. And the longer Yuri didn’t show up in the bedroom, the more he worried until after some more minutes he got up and went back to the bathroom, waiting in front of the closed door, unsure if he should say something.

The feeling of insecurity was fast forgotten though when he heard the dull sound of Yuri throwing up through the closed door. So there _was_ something going on...

“Yuri?”, he asked and could hear the worry in his voice himself. “Are you okay?” ‘Stupid question. Rephrase it.’ “Can I do something for you?”

He jumped when Yuri screamed at him.

“Fuck off!”

It hurt. “Yuri-”

“I said fuck off for God’s sake!!” His voice sounded shrill. He was without a doubt crying.

Otabek didn’t know what to do but leaving was not an option. “What is wrong with you?” He tried to make his voice sound gentle, but it turned out to have a desperate ring to it. “Are you sick?”

It took a moment for Yuri to reply and his voice had cracked to a low rasping. “Yeah, I’m sick”, he said. “Please Otabek, leave me alone. There’s nothing you can do.”

That was probably true. “I won’t go away”, he murmured nevertheless. “I promised you, didn’t I?” He could hear Yuri sobbing behind the door. “Please Yuri, open the door, I want to help you.”

“You can’t help me. No one can.”

It broke his heart to hear that.

He heard the flush, then the water of the sink running and the sound of the toothbrush and after a minute more the key was turned. When Yuri didn’t come out he pressed the handle down and opened the door slowly. Yuri was standing in the middle of the room, his head lowered. It looked spooky.

Otabek made a step forward, but stopped when he noticed Yuri’s body becoming stiff in the anticipation of being touched. Yuri’s hands were trembling, his whole body was shivering and he bit his lower lip. And after a moment it dawned to him in all its horrible magnitude.

“You do that all the time?”, he asked, his voice sounded thin. It explained everything. Yuri’s frequent lock-downs in the bathroom, the red rimmed eyes, his unhealthy weight loss, his whole worrisome appearance. Even the constant shivering as soon as they stepped out of the house. He wasn’t just handling the cold badly. He was famishing.

“I didn’t want you to notice”, Yuri whispered and tears fell from his long lashes onto his bony bare feet. “You should’ve never found out.”

Otabek wanted to know why, but he didn’t dare to ask. Yuri wouldn’t tell him anyway, would he? He took the last step forward and although Yuri probably didn’t want it he wrapped his arms around the boy. Yuri started sobbing instantly and Otabek buried his nose in the blonde hair and held him close, not only to comfort Yuri but also because he needed the comfort himself. He was shocked. He couldn’t even think rationally anymore. His heart hurt like he got stabbed right into it. And then he felt Yuri’s hands on his back. Hesitantly at first, but clutching to his shirt after a moment.

“I’m so sorry”, Otabek said. “I’m so, so sorry.” He felt tears welling. “I promised to protect you. But I do not know what to do. I just don’t know.” He squint his eyes shut and tightened his arms around Yuri and the boy sobbed even harder.

“Just stay with me”, Yuri whispered. “That’s all I need.”

Otabek’s insides tensed up. He let go of Yuri unwillingly, pushed him away just a little bit and cupped his face with both hands to make him look him in the eyes. “I will stay with you as long as you want me to. I would gladly stay with you forever if you let me. I swear to God, I will never leave you alone.” He almost got lost in deep green eyes but Yuri lowered his gaze way too soon again.

“Can we go to the bedroom?”, Yuri murmured. “I’m freezing...”

Otabek took his hand and led him to the bed. He folded the blanket back and made Yuri sit down and when he had sat down next to him he wrapped them both into the blanket and embraced the shivering fairy who clung to him.

“I started before the finals”, Yuri suddenly said low voiced and Otabek decided to just let him talk although already the first sentence almost made him cry. “I didn’t want to risk any difficulties for my jumps. They said that I’d soon start to have issues because my body changed so rapidly and it scared me. I just didn’t stop growing so I chose to try having my weight under control. I couldn’t do it when my grandfather made piroshki for me though. Of course he didn’t know, but I felt like it would break his heart if I… well, if I didn’t keep them in. He was worried, but I passed it over by pretending that I was just focused and he didn’t ask. But after he had died I didn’t have a reason to hold back anymore. It became a habit scarily fast. I got used to my sore throat very quickly as well. It’s just a part of me now. And I wouldn’t care if everybody knew. I just didn’t want _you_ to know. Because I feel so ashamed.” He sighed. “I feel like I betrayed everyone. My grandfather, Yakov, Yuuri and Victor and especially you. I feel like I cheated to win gold. But most of all I feel like I cheated on you.” He looked up and he seemed calm. “And now you know and still you don’t push me away. Although I lied to you. More than once. Basically my overall behavior was one big ugly lie. But I was so scared. Since I came to see you, before as well, but especially since you opened that door and let me take shelter without a single question. I was so afraid that something like right now would happen. That you’d find out and tell me to go away. I really just don’t get what kind of saint you are. I’m still here. _You_ are still here. And so close to me, like you don’t care what I have done...” He raised his hand and placed his fingertips on Otabek’s jaw and once again glittering tears started falling from his eyes, but he didn’t sob, they just rolled over his lashes like shining glass marbles and this time Otabek didn’t hold back but leaned forward and kissed Yuri’s trembling lips. And Yuri didn’t back away but leaned in just the slightest bit and Otabek wished the moment never ended.

The soft fingertips ran to his neck and sent shivers down his spine. Eyes closed he tried to soak in everything, the warmth of Yuri’s breath on his face, the sound of his heart beating slowly but clearly audible, Yuri’s sweet boyish smell, and most of all this wonderful broken body finally so close to him. He backed away after only a moment, but let his eyes closed just a little longer, enjoying the aftermath of what he had longed so many years for. And when he opened his eyes, Yuri was still crying, but there was something else in his eyes now, something that wasn’t pain, something that wasn’t guilt or fear.

“I promised you”, he reminded the Russian skater. “I will be there for you no matter what. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Yuri blushed. “Are you serious?”

He nodded. “I want to be close to you.”

Yuri flung his arms around his neck. “Then please, never let me go, so I’ll never lose you.”

“Never”, he said and kissed the blonde hair.

They held each other close and Otabek pictured all the fragments that were Yuri, spreading out before his inner eye like the pieces of a broken mirror, shimmering in the dim light of the bedside lamp, the edges shining sharply. He wasn’t scared to pick them up though. Even after what he had just learned he would try to put them back together, even if it meant that he’d get hurt doing so.

“Why Otabek?”, Yuri whispered, his lips close to the skin of Otabek’s neck. “Why do you care so much for me? We don’t really know each other...” His voice trailed off like getting the words out created a distance between them he wanted to avoid but couldn’t. He didn’t know he was wrong here.

So Otabek corrected him: “That is not true.” His hand stroked Yuri’s hair gently. “Maybe you don’t know me too well. But I know you. I have known you for years.” It was hard to say it out loud although he had given Yuri an idea back then in Barcelona already. This was his innermost after all. “Since I caught sight of you I could not get you out of my head. I thought of you every inch I skated, every second my muscles and tendons hurt like I had ripped them apart. I thought of you when I failed my quads and I did when I finally landed them. I watched your routines on video, over and over again and every time I did I felt I wanted to attract your attention until it almost drove me crazy.”

Yuri inhaled shakily.

“I was obsessed with you. I still am I think. I have been dreaming of you for what feels like my whole life. Everything I achieved, I achieved because of you. You made me who I am today. You made me fall for you with one look, and then with every move and every breath and every beat of your precious little heart. Maybe it doesn’t make sense at all, maybe it is creepy even, but this is how I feel.” He swallowed hard. I sounded ridiculous, even to him, but it was the truth. All he had ever wanted was Yuri.

Yuri’s fingers clenched in his friend’s shirt. “Otabek.” His voice had become a mere whisper and the Kazakh sensed that _that_ moment had finally come. “Are you… are you in love with me?”

His insides tensed up. Of course he was. What did Yuri think why he had kissed him? The thought almost made him laugh, but he kept silent and just nodded, slowly, to make sure Yuri would notice the motion at all. He didn’t dare speaking. And there was nothing more to say than what he could express with that unmistakably nod.

Yuri did notice. He laughed softly and high pitched and pressed his forehead against Otabek’s. His cheeks blushing, a few tears fell from his eyes. He was smiling like Otabek had never seen him smile before.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me”, he whispered, rising his hands to Otabek’s nape. “And I thought you have no interest in me at all. After all those times when you could have kissed me already, when we were so close, and you just didn’t do anything I almost lost hope.”

“Do you mean… you did all that on purpose?”, Otabek stuttered, his thoughts running wild.

Yuri smiled. “You are so adorably clueless”, he murmured and then placed his lips on Otabek’s, just to draw back again. “I’ve wanted you to do that from the first moment.” The feeling of his lips moving against Otabek’s when he talked sent thunderbolts through the Kazakh’s body. “I didn’t think you were that well mannered. Or maybe you just enjoy suffering?” He kissed Otabek again. “I couldn’t have been more obvious, could I?” His hands slid from Otabek’s neck to his chest, the tourmaline eyes following the motion. “I need you”, he murmured then. “You’re the only one left. If it wasn’t for you I had broken three weeks ago. The thought of you kept me alive in that darkness that collapsed onto me back home. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to move. I felt like if I’d just let it happen I could have drowned in the cold and silence back there and I kinda liked the thought of the pain going away. It doesn’t feel like home anymore now that he’s gone. There are exactly two people in the world who make me feel at home. Well… now it’s only you.” He straightened his back, looking Otabek in the eye. “I am scared, Otabek. I don’t know who I am anymore. It doesn’t feel like Yuri. It feels unfamiliar, like I am living someone else’s life, a life that has gotten out of control. Everything is so confusing and painful and it all happens so fast, I can’t even think properly about what to do and then it’s too late already. There’s so much happening to me and I don’t understand anything of it, but I feel like everyone’s expecting me to just shrug it off and be the brilliant Yuri Plisetsky that everyone knows me to be. Just that that person has died alongside Grampa and no one even cared to notice. I feel so lost. Only when I look at you I feel like there is something left, like a thread that connects to something familiar from another life. Your smile is so comforting, your voice so gentle. Everything about you feels so warm and I yearn for that warmth. I don’t even know if I love you, because I don’t know how to love someone else than Grampa or if I am capable of it at all, because I feel like he took all the love I could ever give with him. But right here, when I’m with you, in this city, in this house, in this apartment, it’s like I’m still Yuri, deep, deep inside. When I’m with you I feel alive.”

Otabek noticed that he had started crying during Yuri’s monologue only when the blonde reached out for him, to wipe a tear from his cheek.

“I’m sorry”, the Russian fairy apologized low-voiced. “I never wanted to make you cry.”

“It’s okay”, he replied, tilting his cheek towards Yuri’s hand. The ring felt warm on his skin. “Just please, Yuri, if this is how you feel, stay with me. I want to do anything I can to make it easier for you. You are not alone and you do not have to carry that weight alone either. Please. Let me try and save you. This is all I wish for.”

Yuri nodded slowly. It took some time, before he spoke again. “I am weak Otabek. You called me a soldier. But I’m mutilated. I can’t move on on my own anymore. I can not expect you to uphold me-”

“I will.” He was surprised himself about the sudden outburst, so he took Yuri’s hands apologetically. “I will do it. Be as weak as you need to be. I will be strong for you.” He leaned forward and kissed Yuri’s forehead and then his cheek and then his lips while still holding the delicate hands. He could be strong. Yuri had taught him how so many years ago and maybe now was the time to avail.


	15. On love: Dear

 

It felt strange. Like it was supposed to hurt, but didn’t that much. Like he was supposed to be happy, but felt a little sad at the same time. And it had a physical aspect as well: holding Yuri close didn’t feel like he had imagined it at all. Maybe because he had always been with girls. The Russian boy felt so different. He was not soft and gooey but bony and warm and fragile, almost like he wasn’t human. Holding him felt like holding a fawn, trembling, breathing sweetly, easy to break, in the need of protection. It felt pure and it felt important.

Otabek had leaned against the wall, pulling Yuri close, so that the boy had half laid down next to him, his head on Otabek’s right shoulder. He was so close, but this time it was okay. This time it was even right.

“I’ve always wanted that”, Yuri murmured into the dimness of the night lamp. “Everyone around me had someone to hold. Victor had Yuuri and my mother her new guy and even Georgi had his girlfriend but I didn’t, not after I grew too old to fall asleep in Grampa’s embrace. To be honest I never wanted to stop doing that, but it worried him after I got eleven or something, so I stopped. And it’s so different now. You’re not even my family. And still...”

Otabek’s fingers played with the strands of golden hair flowing over the skinny shoulders, while his arms remained wrapped around the delicate body.

“Yuri”, he murmured after some time, eyelids heavy from exhaustion. But he wanted to say it now. “I know you don’t want to hear it. And I have no right to intrude your life. But you need to stop this. Your eating disorder. You will damage your body, permanently, if it has not happened already.”

Yuri sighed. “I know”, he whispered. “But I don’t know if I can do it.”

“You have to”, the Kazakh replied.

Suddenly Yuri sat up. “You don’t understand, Otabek. If I don’t take gold, I’m done for! “

“I know that”, he said with a frown, reaching out for Yuri’s hands. “But you don’t have to put yourself in danger to do that.”

“Don’t make me laugh Otabek, I know what this is about, but you don’t know what awaits me. My mother is 1,73. Dad was 1,87. I’ve grown more than five centimeters in three months, and it most likely won’t stop too soon. My balance is off already, I’m having trouble landing my quads right now and I cannot risk any more difficulties with Helsinki around the corner. I need to keep my weight as low as possible, so I can rely on what I’m used to. If I can’t do that, it’ll be over.”

The words made Otabek think. Yuri’s situation was difficult, he knew that, but that was no reason to ruin his health. “I understand your motivation”, he murmured. “But it’s not right. So many have been through the exact same thing. Not me, I am short, I know, but you don not even have to look so far. Take Christophe or even Victor, he is tall, and he’s fine-”

“He’s a fucking legend, Otabek, for God’s sake!”, Yuri interrupted him. “You can’t compare me to him, never!”

“And why not?” Something felt hot in his chest, a feeling he rarely experienced: he was getting angry. “ _You_ are a legend as well, Yuri, you broke his record, you showed him his place _and you were fifteen_ when you did. You can do that in your way, you have proven that and you will do it again. You were a soldier when I first saw you and you still are, I know it. Even if he is back this season, it will be his last one, for sure, he came back for his Yuuri, to be together with him, but he is too old. You however have all the time you need, to grow, to adapt, to shine. You have more than ten years if you are lucky, that are nine more possible gold medals, even if you take it slow this year and give your body time. How much more of a legend do you want to be?”

Yuri stared at him with wide eyes.

“You will be fine, Yuri. You'll grow, but you will handle that and you will be so stunningly beautiful. Just in case you can become even more beautiful than you already are.” His voice was trailing off and his frown became insecure as he felt himself blushing. “That was embarrassing now”, he mumbled, lowering his head, but felt Yuri’s soft fingertips under his chin right away, so he looked up again.

“It was not”, Yuri’s voice sounded soft. “That was super cute and just what I needed to hear.” He let his fingers slide to Otabek’s nape. He seemed to like that and Otabek himself liked it a lot for sure. “I’ll try, okay? I can’t promise I can make it right away. It’s a fad, I’m pretty much used to it now, I don’t know how fast I can change. But I’ll try and I’ll do it for you.” His eyes sparkled when he added: “But in return, there is something I need to ask you to do for me.”

Otabek nodded, heart beating heavily. “What is it?”

“Will you be my boyfriend?” Yuri’s cheeks reddened so fast it was almost scary but Otabek felt the same happening to his own face. He didn’t even have the chance to answer, when Yuri hurriedly continued: “No one can know, though. Yakov and Lilia will run amok and the Yuri’s Angels will transform into demons and the authorities…” He hunched his shoulders. “It will be no difference for anyone. No one will know. It’s only between you and me.”

“That’s enough for me”, he said and leaned in to press his forehead against Yuri’s. “You know how I feel about you. I’d be so happy if I could be that to you. Even if it never leaves this house.”

Yuri closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, then looked at him again. “You know what?”, he whispered. “When you say things like that with such a severe expression, that’s actually really hot.” He chuckled. “I’ve never had a boyfriend before. Or a girlfriend. This is so exciting.”

It was moments like these when Otabek’s heart hurt. Yuri was so adorable. He hadn’t deserved all that pain. He deserved to be happy.

He closed in and placed his lips on Yuri’s, raising his hands to the boy’s sides. Yuri closed his eyes, his fingers still on the skin of Otabek’s neck, softly scratching the nails alongside the spine. Otabek opened his lips, letting his tongue touch Yuri’s lips, who opened his mouth as well. His fingers came lying still on Otabek’s nape like he was getting nervous. Was he?

Only after a second Otabek knew the reason. It was obvious that Yuri had never kissed someone before. He was such an inexperienced kisser, Otabek was kind of surprised that he kept breathing through his nose, although it was probably coincidence. Nevertheless it was the most wonderful kiss in Otabek’s entire life. He had never dreamed to touch Yuri, not like that, not in a romantic context and especially not being his boyfriend. It was like his dream had become reality, a dream that hadn’t even had a precise outline and now it was happening. He felt Yuri’s tongue, tasted him and it sent shivers down his spine, making his insides clench in excitement. In love.

The moment he confessed it to himself it exploded in his heart. Like a vessel that burst with his overflowing emotions or like a flower that opened its petals in a time lapse recording. It was overwhelming. He had fallen for Yuri. No, not only that. It wasn’t that shallow anymore. Not like it had been all those years when he had admired him from a distance, only imagining how it felt, how _he_ felt; it was more now. He loved Yuri. He loved him with all his heart, like had never loved someone before in his life. He hadn’t known that he could feel so unconditionally devoted to someone.

He pulled Yuri closer, so that the blonde had to support himself with the hands on Otabek’s shoulders to not lose his balance. His hair fell in like a curtain of soft gold around their faces.

When they broke the kiss they were both breathing hard, Yuri’s cheeks even redder than Otabek’s.

“That feels so good”, Yuri murmured, obviously embarrassed, but he was beautiful.

“Was that your first kiss?”, Otabek dared to ask.

Yuri frowned. “Not at all!”, he exclaimed and crossed his arms before his chest sitting back on his heels.

Otabek smiled softly. “Thank you for sharing that with me”, he said low voiced, watching how Yuri’s expression changed from pouting to indignant to a mixture of ashamed and proud. “This means a lot to me.”

Yuri nodded and when Otabek opened his arms came to nestle next to him again wordlessly, hiding his blushed face in the crook of Otabek’s neck.

“One more thing, Yuri”, he mumbled against the Russian’s hair. “Is it okay for you if I…”, his heartbeat sped up, “if I touch you?” His voice was now barely more than a whisper. “Nothing improper, just...” He breathed deeply, hoping that it’d encourage him a little. “Sometimes I want to touch you. Like, stroke your hair. Or hold you. Or caress your back. Things like that.” He noticed his hands trembling but he didn’t understand why.

Yuri chuckled quietly against his skin, then threw his arms around Otabek’s chest. “You can touch me all you want”, he whispered. His fingertips softly stroked his sides. With one swift movement Yuri threw his right leg over Otabek’s and came sitting on his lap, his face so close to the black-haired’s, his eyes half-closed and deep green. “Actually I want you to do that”, he lowly went on. “I want you to hold me and caress me. And more. I want you to do everything to me, everything you ever dreamt of.” His voice was overflowing with sex-appeal and his breath hot on Otabek’s face. “I want you to kiss me whenever you want and _wherever_. And don’t expect me to hold back. I’m yours now and you are mine. And I want everything from you.” He kissed Otabek’s lips. “Show me what it feels like to be Otabek Altin’s lover. Show me that side of you that no one has ever seen before. Take everything you want and don’t bother asking.” He kissed him again, only to back off again. “I’m serious”, he then said and his voice sounded a little insecure now. “I don’t know how it works. I need you to show me how it’s done. I’m good at that Eros crap, even better than at Agape, but no one ever dared to hit on me so...”

Otabek just nodded, unable to grasp a thought to say out loud and for some reason it made Yuri smile lightly.

“I love that look on your face”, he explained. His expression was peaceful. “You are so pure. And you feel...”, he thought for a moment before finding the right word: “Secure.” He hugged Otabek, burying his face next to his neck again. “I’m sorry, I behave weird”, he whispered.

Otabek embraced the slender body. “It’s okay”, he said with the most comforting voice he was able of. “You have been through a lot. It was a long day.” He felt Yuri nodding. “How about we try and sleep?”

“Okay”, Yuri replied, his voice thin.

They changed and laid down and after Otabek had switched off the light he turned towards Yuri and wrapped his arms around him.

“Good night Otabek”, the Russian fairy murmured.

“Good night Yuratchka”, he answered and placed a kiss on the soft hair. Closing his eyes he felt happier than ever before.


	16. On love: Devotion

 

 

As the upcoming competitions crept closer they had planned on going to the rink the next day, so Otabek had set an alarm. When it went off he snoozed it and buried his nose in the sweet smelling blonde hair again. He usually had no problems getting up early in the morning, he actually even liked to have a schedule and have it start early, but this morning he wished he never needed to leave the sheets. Yuri was more on top of him than next to him, his slender limbs all over Otabek, his hair covering most of his face and a good portion of the Kazakh’s left shoulder. Warm breath was blown towards Otabek’s neck. Yuri was actually so close that he could feel the heat of the fragile body radiating through the fabric of both their shirts. It felt like he was still dreaming.

When the alarm went off for the second time, Yuri moaned and shifted in Otabek’s lazy embrace. The older skater hurried to get the device quiet again, but Yuri was already awake. When he rolled over to lie on his back to run his fingers through his beautiful hair, opening his eyes with fluttering golden lashes like in slow motion Otabek’s heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t do anything but stare at the gorgeous boy who turned his head towards him, smiling lightly.

“Hey,”, he murmured, his voice breathy, his cheeks rosy, his eyes so very green, “you alright? You look upset.”

When Otabek could finally move he leaned over Yuri in one swift motion and pressed his lips onto the surprised Russian’s silky lips. First Yuri had stiffened, but after a second he smiled into the kiss and closed his eyes, moving his mouth against Otabek’s. Otabek hadn’t planned on kissing Yuri, it somehow just had happened and it felt incredibly awesome, because there all of a sudden a thought struck him like lightning: He was his now. His boyfriend. His Yuratchka.

He buried his fingers in the golden hair, inhaling Yuri’s smell, pulling the boy closer, kissing him eagerly because he wanted to scream at him that he loved him, loved him so much, but he’d never dare, so this was the only way he was able to express his feelings as they stirred up in his insides like a whirlwind, like a maelstrom, he could only kiss him like his life depended on it. He had never felt anything like this before. He wanted it to never end. He couldn’t even think rationally anymore, all he could do was feel. This wasn’t like him. But then again, maybe this was how he was now. A whole new Otabek Altin. One who belonged to Yuri.

The blonde raised his hands to Otabek’s ribs, clenching into his shirt and pulling it up to his chest. Pushing Otabek away he broke the kiss only to strip his shirt over his head and throw it somewhere on the floor. His shining eyes followed the pattern of the tattoo before he brought his fingers to Otabek’s skin, making the black haired inhale shakily.

“Don’t”, he whispered. When the soft fingertips brushed over the skin of his ribcage he closed his eyes trying to maintain his self-control.

Yuri chuckled. “Why not? Have I found your weak-spot?”, he teased.

Otabek opened his eyes again. Yuri’s eyes glittered alongside the bantering smile in the most adorable way. When would the Russian fairy finally notice that _everything_ about him was Otabek’s weak-spot?

“I don’t want to lose control”, he replied, only causing Yuri to caress the skin once more.

His voice was a mere whisper when he said: “But I want you to.” He lifted his head from the pillow and placed his lips on Otabek’s. But as soon as Otabek felt the short fingernails on his tattooed skin he backed away with a gasp.

“Yuri”, he said, swallowing hard. “Please, don’t. I can’t- I am just a guy, you know, like any other. Don’t tease me. There is only so much I can endure before I snap.”

“Then do it!”, Yuri hissed from between his teeth, his both hands clinging onto the skin of Otabek’s sides. It hurt a little, but in an exciting way. It was driving Otabek insane. His fingers next to Yuri’s head clutched into the sheets, his eyebrows narrowed. His crotch felt like it was on fire.

“Finally do it!”, the blonde repeated in a threatening voice that aroused Otabek even more, making him bite hard on his lower lip. Yuri continued: “I need you to do it, remember? I am not the one to take the lead in this matter. I am not the one to be strong here. I can’t - no! - I don’t _want_ to. I want to be vulnerable, only when I’m with you. Show me what it feels like. Show me how weak I am.” He licked his lips and his voice became a whisper. “Show me my place.”

Otabek groaned. He wanted to. He wanted to do it so badly. But not like this.

He wrapped his arms around Yuri’s shoulders and buried his face in the pillow next to the Russian’s right cheek, pulling the boy close. “Not now”, he sighed, his heart racing, his crotch burning. “Please, give me a little more time.”

“Why not now?”, Yuri asked, his voice sounding like he was hurt. “Why don’t you want me?”

A desperate laugh escaped Otabek’s lips as he held Yuri close. “I do, Yuri, I swear to God, I do, more than you can imagine.” He backed away, leaning on his elbows, looking at Yuri. “I just don‘t want to rush it. I need time for that. You know, I have been dreaming about you for so long. So now I need time to warm up to the thought that I can be with you like that.”

Yuri nodded. “Will it take long?”, he murmured.

The question made Otabek smile. “No”, he whispered then. “I don’t think I can hold back much longer.” He kissed Yuri softly. It was insane how much he loved this boy.

When the alarm went off for the third time he broke the kiss and they finally really got up.

Otabek had an appointment with his coach, so they got ready and after breakfast took the bus to the rink. A strong wind had started blowing and Yuri was shivering like a leaf when they went outside. At least Otabek had paid attention that the Russian hadn’t thrown up his breakfast and it made him proud that Yuri tried hard to change. When the blonde reached for the skates in the locker, Otabek stopped him though.

“What?”, Yuri said, looking annoyed.

Otabek sighed. “Your joints”, he said. He had noticed how Yuri had taken in two pills this morning, strong painkillers, and he assumed the pain from growing hadn’t gotten better yet. There was no way he would let Yuri skate like that.

From how the slim blonde eyebrows narrowed into a frown Otabek could tell that Yuri understood what he meant. It was also obvious that Yuri was really not happy about that.

“Listen,”, he said low-voiced, “I can tell that this is hard for you, but I am just worried. You know that I only want to make sure you are fine.”

“How am I supposed to be fine when you don’t even let me on the ice, dumbass”, Yuri snapped. He hadn’t cursed for some time, Otabek noticed.

He walked over to the blonde boy and wrapped him in a helpless embrace. “I’m sorry”, he whispered. “I don’t know what to do, either. I am just so scared that something bad happens to you, you know.”

After a moment Yuri hugged him back. “It’s alright”, he replied slowly, still sounding a bit salty. “I’ll listen to you this time. Just keep me entertained while you are out there, okay?”

Otabek nodded and they went outside.

His trainer was already waiting. “Otabek!”, he greeted him cheerily. “Good news, I got the confirmation for Helsinki this morning. Not a big surprise, I know, but it’s good to know for sure now, right?”

Otabek nodded.

“I see you brought your biggest rival for this season”, he added with a wink, then, addressing Yuri, continued: “Pay attention, you’ll see the gold winning programs of 2017 now.”

“Aslan”, Otabek said reprehending and his trainer shrugged.

“Just saying.”

Otabek stepped onto the ice after having Yuri seated next to the passage in a blanket so he wouldn’t freeze.

“We will keep it short today”, he informed Aslan and after warming up and practice for some time had him start the music for his short program. It was better than last year’s by all accounts, but he had lacked confidence during practice and even at the Four Continents. He had won silver in Korea, but he knew he could have done better. But today, when the music stopped and he came to a halt breathing heavily, something was different. It had felt true, for the very first time since they had started choreographing it a few months ago.

“Awesome!”, Aslan yelled from the margin but when Otabek looked that direction his eyes automatically locked with Yuri’s.

There was something in his eyes that sent a shiver down his spine. His coach kept commenting on the routine but Otabek didn’t even hear it. He saw Yuri nodding, only once, barely visible, but it was all the approval he needed. Ever in his life.

He smiled and Yuri smiled back at him.

“If your free skate is only half as good as the short program right now Nikiforov will have to marry you instead of Katsuki”, Aslan laughed. “Let’s see what you got!”

He did. The music started slowly, but the pace increased soon and the small hairs on Otabek’s forearms stood upright after his first quad. His jumps had always been solid, height, distance and posture better than average, but never perfect. This time he managed. He heard Aslan clapping his hands cheerily, but he didn’t even care. His coach wasn’t the person he skated for today. The combination that followed was even better, making Otabek wonder if this was what Yuri felt when he skated that enchanting programs of his. It felt so easy today, satisfying even. He wondered if he could do that at the competition as well. He felt like he could try to raise an arm in the second half and he did and it felt good.

The routine was exhausting. Otabek had always lacked emotion when skating, so they had always tried to make up for that by having the choreography difficult, as his strength and stamina as well as his technical skills were better than most of the other competitors. The fatigue usually started showing in the second half of the program, especially when he skated both routines one after the other. His heart beat staccato and the inside of his lung felt like it was burning. He gritted his teeth, feeling the sweat on the skin of his neck, cold from the air of the rink. The cello cut up the music when from the corner of his eyes Otabek noticed that Yuri had gotten up from his seat to stand next to the margin, watching him.

He gasped. Right, he wanted Yuri to look closely, wanted him to take in every movement, every heartbeat, because he was the reason for all that.

‘Look!’, his mind screamed at the blonde Russian, ‘Look at what you have done to me!’

After some more seconds the music stopped abruptly. Otabek stopped abruptly. The silence was only broken by Otabek’s thundering heartbeat and his heavy breathing. He swallowed hard, then looked over to where Aslan and Yuri stood, still on one knee, his right palm stretched out into the air.

Aslan stared at him, mouth wide open, frozen in awe.

Yuri looked at him as well. His eyes pierced right through him. “Otabek”, he said. Nothing more.

The Kazakh got up, still out of breath. He felt amazing. Skating over to the two spectators he wiped the sweat from his forehead. His hands were shaking and he could only look into Yuri’s eyes. He was the one who he had been skating for after all.

Even before his trainer could say anything Yuri crossed his arms before his chest. “Can we talk in private?”

Otabek nodded, shooting Aslan a glance that said “Don’t disturb” and after putting on the blade covers and grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat from his face and neck followed Yuri to the locker room.

The Russian was silent while they walked. It made Otabek feel weird. He personally was really content with how he had managed his skate routines, so he had expected Yuri to approve as well. The awkward silence was almost threatening. Yuri wasn’t silent usually. What was going on?

When they entered the locker room, Yuri slammed the door shut, then grabbed Otabek by his collar and pressed his back against the wall. His lips collided with the black-haired’s violently. The kiss was brutal, hungry, desperate. Yuri’s hands clung to the fabric of Otabek’s shirt and at the same time kept the older boy pressed against the wall. He couldn’t breathe, his heart was racing, if again or still, he didn’t know.

Yuri backed away and looked at him angrily. “What’s your theme?”, he hissed, pulling Otabek away from the wall to slam him back against it again. “I’m serious, Otabek, _what’s your fucking theme_?!”

He shook his head. Wasn’t that obvious?

Not waiting for an explanation Yuri kissed him again. This time Otabek was able to react, pulling the boy closer, closing his eyes. Yuri pressed his crotch against Otabek. He was hard.

Backing away again Yuri glared. “I want you to change and take me home, and then I want you to make good on your promise from this morning, because I want you, you hear me?” He grind his teeth again when Otabek wordlessly nodded. “But first you tell me what your theme is!”

Again Otabek shook his head. “You will know”, he replied low voiced, then kissed Yuri. He’d make sure that Yuri figured out himself.

Yuri moaned and pressed his slender body against Otabek. The Kazakh had a hard time holding back after Yuri had claimed his demand and especially after he had been so close this morning already. Yuri’s voice was delightfully arousing so that Otabek gently shoved him away after a moment as a matter of self defense.

“I’ll talk to Aslan and then we can go, okay?”, he murmured and when Yuri nodded he went back to the rink.

His coach greeted him with a concerned look on his face. “Is he alright?”, he asked and gestured towards the locker room where Yuri had stayed.

“I would rather take him home if you do not mind”, he answered and his coach nodded.

“No problem. Not after how you delivered just now.” He smiled and placed a hand on Otabek’s shoulder. “I don’t need to comment on that any further, you saw it yourself, it was absolutely perfect. I don’t know what that boy has done to you since Barcelona, but you skate like a whole different person, so don’t make him stop.”

“I will keep it in mind.” Otabek had untied his skates and slipped into his boots.

“One more thing”, Aslan continued: “About your costume: You texted me you want the front decoration dark red? On the gloves as well?”

Otabek nodded, getting up and grabbing his skates. On the other end of the rink two of the girls from the junior division, Makpal and Khaligazh, stepped on the ice, looking over to them with blushing cheeks.

“It will look like you just bled on the fabric, you know?”, Aslan objected, but again Otabek nodded.

“On purpose”, he said, making his trainer’s eyebrows rise.

“Okay,”, he then said, shrugging. “You make the rules. Now go and take care of your fairy, I’ll handle the rest. See you on Thursday.”

Otabek rose his hand and turned towards the locker room.


	17. On love: Eros eneimi Agapes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not speak any Greek whatsoever, so if the title is total bullcrap I am very sorry, but this is the best I could come up with after an entire hour or so of google.

 

 

Even a blind man could see that Yuri was nervous. Shifting in the bus seat next to Otabek he kept throwing glances at the older boy, fiddling with his phone, but obviously not focused as Otabek noticed that he read the same comments on a photo of yesterday’s piroshki again and again.

“We need to stop by the drug store”, he informed the blonde Russian, who nodded with a “U-hu”, then after a moment asked: “What for?”

Otabek added a light smile to his usual frown. “For safety”, he replied, earning a confused look from Yuri, so that he low-voiced added: “Condoms.”

“Oh.” And after a moment once more, but his voice sounding more understanding: “Oh...”

Otabek absolutely adored how Yuri looked at him with wide green eyes, his hair not completely hiding his glowing cheeks. Otabek wanted to kiss him, but it’d have to wait till they were at home again.

Just then Yuri’s phone started vibrating violently, making both of them look at the screen.

_Yuliya calling_

Yuri swiped the call away and looked the other way as if he wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened.

“It is okay to talk on the phone in buses in Kazakhstan”, he explained. Of course he knew that Yuri hadn’t ignored the call because he didn’t want to disturb the other passengers.

Yuri only shrugged, so Otabek decided to pry this one time.

“Who was it?”

Without turning his head towards him Yuri replied: “No one important.”

Otabek had to hold back a snort. “I noticed her calling earlier”, he said vaguely. “A few times.”

Yuri shugged, staring out of the window.

“Maybe it is urgent”, he suggested. It was starting to annoy him how stubborn Yuri was. But this time he seemed to have triggered the blonde skater.

“I’ll call her back later, so can you please stop it?”, he hissed, finally glancing at Otabek.

“Who is it?”, he asked one more time and the question made Yuri’s eyes grow even colder than before.

“Not now.”

They way he had emphasized those two words almost made Otabek choke. He nodded silently. Yuri was still scary when he got angry. Not that his anger had ever been directed towards Otabek before. It sent shivers down his spine.

The green eyes focused on the house fronts they were passing by. Something different was shining in them now though. Was it concern?

A few minutes later they had to get off and Otabek took Yuri’s hand only till they had left the vehicle. It had been meant as a peace offer and Yuri had accepted it. They couldn’t be seen in public like that though so that with a heavy sigh Otabek let go of the slim fingers again as they made their way to the shop.

It was storming by now and they hurried towards the entry of the drug store, glad when the door fell closed behind them, the bell ringing lightly. The shop was only one bus stop from Otabek’s apartment, owned by an elderly couple and most of the time run by their daughter-in-law, who greeted them with a nod from behind the counter when she recognized Otabek. He came here frequently, so he was well known, even more after the final last year, but she was discreet and had never looked at him weirdly when he had bought things for private use. He liked to come here for that reason, especially now that he had another guy with him, that one even more famous than he himself.

“Does she know you?”, Yuri murmured and turned so that his face couldn’t be seen from the cash counter.

“No worries, they are discreet around here.”

Yuri eyed him with narrowed eyebrows, but after a moment nodded.

Leading Yuri to the shelf in the far back Otabek worried more about the fact that he hadn’t showered after training than about the fact that without a doubt the lady would know what was going on between them when he bought condoms. She hadn’t even said something when he had bought three dipsticks in one month that one time because his girlfriend then had been irresponsible with her oral contraceptive, so he really didn’t mind.

He reached out for the blue cardboard box he used to buy but faltered and then decided on the bigger box that contained the double amount compared to the smaller one. He had the boy now he had been after all his life and he didn’t plan on giving him a reason to leave too soon, so he’d for sure use the whole box up sooner or later.

“XL?”, Yuri muttered, “Are you kidding me?”

Looking at him Otabek smiled reassuring. “Only for the perimeter”, he explained low voiced, “not because of the length, no need to be scared.”

When Yuri’s eyebrows rose in disbelief he looked up and down the aisle and when no one was to be seen, he whispered: “Come here” and grabbing Yuri’s wrist pulled him closer, kissing the blonde softly. “Do not worry”, he said quietly when after a moment he let go of Yuri. “I will take care of you, I promise, so please trust me, okay?”

Yuri nodded with a darkening blush and leaned in to place a kiss on Otabek’s lips, backing away instantly. “Hurry up and go pay, I wanna get out of here”, he murmured and kissed Otabek one more time, then shooed him away with trembling hands.

Happiness filling his chest Otabek hurried over to the cash desk. The saleslady greeted him with a formal hello, put the blue box in a brown paper bag and the paper bag in a vinyl bag with the shop’s logo on it. He payed and they bid each other a professional farewell. When Otabek turned around Yuri was already waiting by the door, hood up and hands in the jacket’s pockets like the pretty gang leader he was known to be. Minus the gang of course.

“Let’s go”, he said and held the door open for Yuri. They ran back to Otabek’s place.

The wind had brought rain clouds who stuck on the mountains. The raindrops fell so hard after some time that it almost hurt getting hit by them and by the time they arrived at the house they were both soaked.

“What’s with your goddamn weather here?”, Yuri spat when they caught their breath after they were finally in the house. “First that pain-in-the-ass snow and now raindrops as big as motherfucking strawberries!”

Otabek laughed about the strange comparison. “Isn’t it still snowing in Russia?”

“Sure”, Yuri said shuddering and followed him up the stairs, “but I thought it would be nice here in the south.”

“The south”, he chuckled. “Sounds like you expected the beach of Antalya.” He opened the door of his apartment and shoved Yuri inside. “Get under the shower and warm up a bit, but hurry or I will join you, I am freezing as well.”

Yuri’s cheeks reddened quickly, but he only nodded and got out of his shoes and jacket and hurried to the bathroom.

“Don’t lock the door!”, Otabek called after him. He draped their jackets over the hall stand so they would dry and got out of his boots. Afterwards he headed towards the bedroom to turn the heater on, when he noticed Yuri’s bag still in the hallway. He remembered how the boy had fallen that night and picked up the bag to take it with him to the bedroom. When he put it down the lid slipped out of position and revealed something that caught Otabek’s interest. He really wasn’t nosy usually, but this time he pushed the lid further open to have a better look at the many small cardboard boxes.

Clenbuterole. Ephedrine. Vasopressine. Oxytocine. Indacaterole. Enanthate. Remedies and vitamin preparation, nasal spray, painkillers and some stuff Otabek didn’t recognize. There was an entire drug store in that bag. If Yuri had so much medicine in his bag, why had he asked Otabek for painkillers? He took the box and immediately noticed that it was empty. It bothered him. Had Yuri taken all the eighteen pills since he had arrived here? Did his growing cause him so much pain? Why hadn’t he mentioned it earlier?

‘Because I start crying when he tells me, like I did just yesterday.’ The thought hit him hard. Maybe Yuri hadn’t told him in order not to hurt him. He had said that he never wanted to make Otabek cry after all, so most likely he hadn’t told him to protect him. Either that or Yuri still didn’t trust him. Or he had brought an almost empty box from Russia. Otabek stared at the Cyrillic characters on the box. That was it for sure. It hadn’t been eighteen pills. Probably three or four. Yuri had just not remembered to buy another pack before he had come to Almaty.

He placed the box into the bag again and pushed the lid shut. There was very likely a harmless explanation. He needed to trust Yuri. Still he decided to make sure that Yuri was more frank with him from now on. He’d tell him to be. Just in case.

He placed the condoms on the night stand next to the tissues and finally turned the heater on, trying to distract his thoughts, but the worry had clenched his heart. He grabbed Yuri’s jerseys from the mattress and one of his long sleeved shirts and went over to the bathroom. The water was running, so he opened the door to place the dry clothes on the edge of the sink.

“I left you some clothes”, he exclaimed over the swish of the water when it suddenly stopped.

“Glad you’re here”, Yuri said from behind the shower curtain. “I forgot a towel.”

“Wait”, Otabek said, smiling about how typical for Yuri that was and took one of the large towels from the shelf. The moment he turned around Yuri slid the curtain open.

He had planned that, Otabek knew it right that instant, but still he had walked straight into the trap and in all honesty, he didn’t want to step out of it again. His whole body freezing his eyes wandered over the hand clasping the white vinyl of the shower curtain, along the slender pale arm to the well toned shoulder. Yuri had his hair pinned up so it wouldn’t get wet but a few strands had gotten out of the pins and stuck to his moist neck and collarbone. The white skin of his chest was slightly red because of the heat of the water. He had tilted his hips making his abdominal muscles stand out a little above the neatly trimmed blonde pubic hair. His legs were so long and beautiful it was abnormal. His hipbones stood out as if they were reaching out for Otabek’s touch. Even the skin of his penis was pale.

“By the time you’re done staring, I won’t need the towel anymore because I air-dried”, Yuri said and Otabek slowly looked up to his face. Yuri’s lips were red and smiling the most sweet but aware smile. He stretched his hand out to him. Or the towel. Otabek had no idea. He came a step closer and held the fabric out and Yuri took it, maintaining eye contact as well as the seductive smile while unfolding it and slowly rubbing the material over his skin. “Thanks”, he said low-voiced.

Otabek couldn’t move. He didn’t even feel weird, although back in his head the thought lingered that he needed to look away, because Otabek Altin knew how to control himself, but Yuri – Yuri’s spell – was stronger. This moment was pure magic, and he’d enjoy every split second, etch it into his memory.

Yuri made a move to step out of the shower, holding out his hand for Otabek to support him and he took it, so that the blonde came down from the porcelain tray in an almost ceremonial way.

“I’ll wait in the bedroom”, he breathed walking past Otabek while wrapping the towel around his waist and ignoring the clothes on the sink.

When he was gone, the bathroom door closed, Otabek’s heart started to beat for the first time for minutes and it seemed to try to catch up what it had missed while he had been petrified by the sight the Russian had provided. He hurried under the shower in order not to keep Yuri waiting, now convinced that no one who had ever called Yuri a fairy had known how absolutely accurate that expression was.

He showered in record time, shaved even faster, realized that he had forgotten to place a towel on the sink as well but didn’t even notice if the air was colder when he stepped out of the shower. He rubbed off the water from his skin and hair quickly and towel around his hips went over to the bedroom. He took a deep breath at the door, then pressed down the handle and opened it.

It was already nice and warm inside. In addition to the gray sky that didn’t light up the room to start with, the shutter was half closed. In the twilight, Yuri, his hair still shaggily pinned up, was on the bed, crouched in the corner of the walls, wearing an oversized white shirt that hung from one of his admirable shoulders and very, very short white trunks. He had one leg stretched out on the light gray sheets, the bruises on his foot lilac and yellow against his flawless white skin. His angelic perfection struck Otabek like thunder.

After closing the door carefully he slowly came over to the bed. Yuri’s eyes followed his every motion and he enjoyed it a lot. He put one knee down on the mattress and leaned forward on his hand. Yuri shifted backwards just a little. Of course Otabek knew he didn’t really try to get away, he was just playing and he intended to play along.

“If I do anything you do not like, please, immediately tell me”, he made sure nevertheless. “Don’t feel ashamed, I want you to enjoy this, okay? Promise me that you let me know if you don’t like something or are not sure about something.”

Yuri nodded. “I promise”, he whispered, sounding shy. The innocence in his voice wasn’t convincing but it still made Otabek’s heart pound in his chest like it was trying to break out.

“Okay”, he whispered and bent down. Lowering his head he kissed the bruises on Yuri’s foot, gently, the fingertips of his right hand barely touching his ankle while the left one supported his upper body. He kissed Yuri’s toes, his ankle, his shin, before returning to the bony foot again. He took his time, eyes closed listening to Yuri’s sped up breath, noticing that once in a while the sheets got tautened when Yuri’s fingers clenched into the fabric, especially when he didn’t restrict his fondling to kisses but dared using his tongue and teeth to caress the bones under the bruised skin. It wasn’t like he had a kink for feet. But after all it was Yuri’s feet that made him skate so divinely and the sounds the boy made now and then were just too adorable.

When Otabek opened his eyes again his look followed the white line of Yuri’s shin, up to his knee, further up his tights and body. Yuri had his eyes closed, head tilted back against the corner where the two walls met, his lips slightly open and cheeks blushed. Heart racing Otabek let his fingers find their way up the slender leg, memorizing every inch of smooth skin, white as clotted cream and soft as silk. When his fingers touched the inside of Yuri’s tight, the boy moaned out stifled.

Swallowing hard Otabek pressed up on his hands. Under the towel he was half hard already.

When Yuri noticed the movement his eyelids fluttered open like golden feathered butterflies. They looked at each other for a moment, then Yuri pulled his knees closer, only to spread both of his legs and hold a hand out to Otabek. It was the most arousing and still pure invitation he had ever received. Breathing shakily he crawled in between the bent white legs and kissed Yuri. Slowly the boy returned the kiss, opening his mouth and letting Otabek’s tongue slip inside it. His slim hands came to rest on Otabek’s nape once more, pulling him closer only a little.

When they parted the kiss again after a moment Yuri first looked down on Otabek’s chest, then touched the tan skin. His fingertips ran across his sternum, alongside his collarbones then back down to his nipples. While Otabek kept silent Yuri panted quietly. His lower lip was trembling and Otabek kissed it, then Yuri’s jaw, then his neck. Again it didn’t take long till he used teeth and tongue as well, carefully not to leave any marks on the perfect pale skin he adored so much.

Meanwhile Yuri’s fingers moved down the inked skin towards Otabek’s ribcage. When the short fingernails teasingly scratched along the bones, Otabek stifled a moan. He grabbed a fistful of Yuri’s golden mane and teared his head to the side, biting down on the soft skin, not too hard but hard enough for Yuri to realize how sensitive he was there. The reaction he got came unexpected though. Yuri moaned out loud, his nails scratching Otabek’s skin fiercely, his hips thrusting upwards. His lower body fell back into place right away, but his fingers remained clinging to Otabek for a moment more before relaxing as well and shifting to his shoulder blades.

Otabek licked the spot he had bitten apologetically but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Yuri’s moan had been one of pleasure. He had complained otherwise, he had promised to do so in case he didn’t like something mere minutes ago.

Backing away a little Otabek scrutinized the crook of Yuri’s neck, then his prominent collarbone and shoulder. “Why are you dressed?”, he inquired. His voice sounded rough.

“I thought you’d like to undress me”, Yuri replied licking his lips. He was still acting innocent but at the same time he knew exactly how to tease Otabek. He was Eros inside Agape in the most exciting way.

The Kazakh hummed, distanced himself from Yuri. Then he grabbed both the boy’s ankles and pulled at them, pulling Yuri away from the wall and having him down on his back with a surprised gasp. He didn’t waste a moment before bending over the slender body, pushing up the white shirt. He grabbed Yuri’s sides, hauling him away from the mattress a little and caressed the skin with a hungry mouth. He tasted his ribs, teased his abdomen, at last the pink nipples, one with his teeth and tongue, the other one with his fingers.

Yuri turned into a moaning, panting, wriggling mess underneath him. His hands ran through Otabek’s moist hair, tugging at the longer strands on top, then clung to the sheets again, only to after moments finding their way back to his nape again.

Otabek was really content how fast he made Yuri melt in his hands, but that didn’t make him stop soon. He wanted to be very, very thorough. He had thought about that since this morning and although there was the possibility that Yuri, being the inexperienced virgin he was, would really quickly reach the point where Otabek, way more experienced after all, could have him in any way he wanted, he had decided to make it last, to exhaust them both. He had waited years for this after all. Years of desperate longing, dreaming, pretending, imagining the girls he fucked to be the only one he had ever really wanted. They all had looked like Yuri Plisetsky, more or less, but green eyes, pale skin and blonde hair was not all there was to the Russian fairy. It had worked for him back then, when he had taken them from behind so he didn’t see their breasts, had concentrated on disheveling their hair, ignoring the high pitched voices calling out for him. But it had never been real. It had never been him with those irresistible piercing eyes, only failed copies, unsatisfying substitutes, barely good enough to cum into. It had never been Yuri Plisetsky.

And here he was now. Right underneith him, gasping for breath, moaning, twisting. His smell, his warmth, the sound of his breathless voice, his desire, the shine of his hair and skin, the beating of his innocent heart. And he’d make it last. All the desire he had piled up in his chest, from when he had been a clueless innocent boy with a crush on another one till just now when this godlike creature had pulled back the shower curtain leaving him breathless, all that devotion that his soul had contained, he’d use it up on Yuri starting now.

His right hand reached up for Yuri’s neck. The boy tilted his head like he was inviting Otabek to wrap his fingers around the crook of his neck and the Kazakh did so, earning a shaky whine. He crawled back a few more centimeters, his lips and tongue following the movement down to the waistband of Yuri’s trunks. Yuri moaned out loud when Otabek with the fingertips of his left hand touched the hard cock through the fabric. He let the tips of his index and middle finger trace up the bulge to the tip where he felt a wet spot on the fabric. He rubbed this spot teasingly, making Yuri moan even louder. The boy pushed his hips up and Otabek let it happen, cupping Yuri’s crotch, squeezing it carefully but not too soft. Yuri tried to stifle his whines by pressing his both hands onto his lips, but of course he didn’t succeed.

Otabek placed his palms on Yuri’s hip bones to hold the boy in place and placed a kiss on the bulge covered by white fabric.

“Oh my God!”, Yuri exclaimed, trying to move his cock against Otabek’s mouth but he pressed him against the mattress and continued.

“Oh my God, Otabek”, he whimpered, throwing his head back.

With one swift motion Otabek pulled Yuri’s underwear down, took the throbbing cock in one hand, while with the other holding Yuri’s hips down on the mattress and wrapped his lips around the pink tip.

Yuri screamed. Not high pitched like the girls he had been with, but hoarsely, and it was the best thing he had ever heard.

He pulled the foreskin back and licked the pink flesh, the slit at the front, then slowly took him into his mouth, deep, as deep as he was able to, his fingers wrapped around the part he couldn’t take in. Yuri clenched his fists on the sheets, whining with pleasure. When Otabek started sucking, pressing his tongue against the hard flesh, Yuri grit his teeth so violently Otabek could hear it from down there. His whole body became stiff and he held his breath. A second later Otabek tasted the cum. It was bitter, very bitter actually, but he didn’t back away, he kept sucking till Yuri’s body relaxed, releasing a last shaking moan. Only then he let go of Yuri, sitting up to reach for a tissue. He spit the cum into the tissue and threw it on the floor. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand he watched as Yuri opened his eyes. His already pink ears and cheeks blushed even more.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered, cleared his throat and repeated: “I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be”, Otabek answered and watched a white drop leaking from the tip of Yuri’s softening cock. “Did it feel good?”

Yuri nodded biting his lower lip. “Otabek”, he then whispered, still flustered, and held his both hands out, pleading.

With a smile Otabek crawled over the pale, trembling body again and Yuri pulled his face down to his lips, kissing him hesitantly. I didn’t last long though as Yuri pushed him away a little after a few seconds.

“I feel bad”, he confessed. Otabek couldn’t help but smile about how adorably cute Yuri was.

“Why?”, he asked low voiced, although he had an idea why.

Yuri eyed Otabek’s bare shoulders. “Because it was too early”, he murmured, clearly embarrassed.

“That is okay”, Otabek reassured, but Yuri wasn’t convinced.

“It’s not”, he protested, looking back at him again almost pouting. “I wanted you to enjoy it as well!”

Still smiling Otabek kissed Yuri’s lips. “Oh, I did, believe me”, he whispered against them.

“But-” The blonde shot a glance towards Otabek’s lower body, then made a unsatisfied sound, his brows narrowing. “I wanted you to… I mean...” He let out a frustrated sigh, then recollected. “I wanted to do it _right_. I wanted it for _both_ of us.”

It was touching how important it seemed to be for Yuri, but Otabek didn’t feel the urge to rush anything. He had still so much more to give, so much more to show Yuri, but it didn’t necessarily have to happen right now.

He wrapped his arms around the skinny boy and held him close. “We have time, Yuratchka”, he murmured into the blonde hair. He heard Yuri swallow.

“But you didn’t even get off”, he whispered.

“I will keep it for next time.” He leaned on his elbows, locking eyes with Yuri, who nodded.

“Next time I’ll earn it”, he breathed and kissed Otabek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the yoi dub, but it bothers me a lot how they translated the Japanese term 'yanki' to the English word 'punk', because it's not accurate. A yanki is more someone from a gang, you know like Anna Tsuchiya in Kamikaze girls for example. Although the two groups share a certain fondness for animal print, there is actually a notable difference. This is why I wrote "Yuri was already waiting by the door, hood up and hands in the jacket’s pockets like the pretty gang leader he was known to be. Minus the gang of course."   
> Just so you know ^^


	18. On love: Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains society issues, but I want to emphasize once more: I do not intend on hurting anyone's feelings. I've seen a few programs about the issue, but those are most likely one-sided in their way of reporting. I hold no prejeduces against any person, no matter who they are and where they come from, so please do not think badly of me for writing this fiction.

When Otabek woke up again, the first thing he noticed was the steady, calm heartbeat. He heard it with his right ear and he felt it in the jaw joint. Again. Again.

Then he felt the fingers running through his hair, carefully. Then he felt the warmth, radiating from close to him.

He opened his eyes. The light had become even weaker, his field of vision was tinted in almost hue-less black and gray.

“Sorry”, he murmured. “I fell asleep.”

“I noticed”, Yuri replied, his voice sounding amused. The gentle stroking through his hair continued.

“Did I sleep long?”

“Not even an hour.”

He closed his eyes again and sighed. That heartbeat was so comforting. He wished they could rest like that forever, his head on Yuri’s chest, the fingers on his scalp. It was so peaceful.

“Hey, Otabek”, Yuri broke the silence after some more minutes, not stopping the caressing. “I didn’t want to be mean earlier. I’m sorry ‘bout that.”

Otabek hummed, but then he realized that he didn’t even know what situation Yuri was referring to. “When?”

“On the bus”, the blonde explained in a calm voice. “When I got that call. I was rude, but I didn’t mean to. You have nothing to do with that.”

It came back to Otabek and he thought about it for a moment. In a way it _had_ been his fault, because he had probed Yuri. From that point of view he had deserved the scold. But he had only been concerned. Those calls bothered him a lot, and that Yuri had ignored them even when Otabek had been witnessing one of them wasn’t helping to calm his thoughts. Then again, only because they were lovers now, boyfriends even, that didn’t mean they needed to share all their private details within hours. But Yuri had also told him that friends didn’t keep secrets from each other, and that applied to boyfriends even more, didn’t it? It seemed to be an important issue, at least from how Otabek felt about it judging by the way Yuri had reacted. But maybe he really should wait until Yuri opened up a little more and warmed up to the thought that he really could trust-

“Are you mad at me?”

“What?” He noticed that he frowned and relaxed his forehead.

“You haven’t said something for, like, hours”, Yuri murmured. “Are you punishing me with silence?”

The frown came back. Why would he punish Yuri?

“Because I was rude?”

Ah, that. “No”, he said and removed the frown from his face again. “I was just thinking.” He faltered, but after a second added: “Too much.”

The gentle fingers tousled his hair. “You do that a lot. Think too much and keep quiet. It irritates me sometimes. But I like your facial expression when you struggle with something. You are really handsome.”

Otabek didn’t know what to say. He honestly didn’t get how Yuri found him not absolutely mediocre.

“I don’t want to call her back at all”, Yuri went on after a moment, his voice sounding insecure all of a sudden. “She’s been trying to call me frequently in the past few days. A whole fucking lot to be precise. But I don’t want to listen to what she has to say. I don’t want to hear her voice. Actually reading her name on the display again and again is a total pain in the ass. If I just could delete her from the phone – no, from the planet – that would be just awesome.”

Otabek tilted his head back so that he could look at Yuri without lifting his cheek from the boy’s bony chest. “Who is it?”

Yuri’s troubled look changed into a guilty smile. “Yeah, I haven’t told you yet, did I?” He sighed, looking at the ceiling. “Yuliya. It’s my mother.”

Yuliya. His mother. Wait, what?

He sat up despite the feeling that Yuri really didn’t want to let him go by the way his fingers clung to his hair a little too long. They fell back on the sheets, when Otabek looked at him upset. “Pardon?”

A deep exhale escaped the Russian’s rosy lips, then he sat up leaning against the wall. “Yeah, I know, I’m a terrible child”, he said, then looked at Otabek in an almost defiant way. “But I _did_ tell her to leave me alone and disappear from my life and all she can do is call me fiftysix times instead. She’s just so… argh!” He hissed through his grit teeth.

“Maybe she is worried about you”, Otabek presumed, but Yuri only laughed bitterly.

“She hates me almost as much as I hate her”, he said like it was the most obvious thing ever. “There’s no chance she’s been worried about me for, let me work it out for you, sixteen years and six days probably? Maybe minus the three years ‘til Dad died. That still makes a fucking long time, don’t you think so as well?”

Otabek didn’t know what to say. Yuri seemed very convinced.

“She wants something from me, I don’t know what, but honestly I don’t want to know either. I just want her to leave me alone. I’d stuff a hell of a lot of roubles down her bloody throat if she’s just shut the fuck up then. But that greedy bitch can never get enough it seems.”

Yuri pulled his knees close and wrapped his arms around them, staring at the sheets. It had gotten darker fast and they’d soon need to switch on the light to keep the shadows lingering in between the gray at bay. But even in this monochrome world Yuri’s eyes still were green, like they were glowing weakly. It was mesmerizing.

Otabek reached out and took one of Yuri’s hands. “Is it really so bad between the both of you?”, he asked low-voiced. He couldn’t imagine how Yuri could hate his mother so much. Even Otabek loved his family. What had happened in the Plisetsky family to make everything so painful for Yuri?

“It’s the worst”, Yuri said and it sounded rigorous. “The only thing she ever did right in her whole life was giving birth to me”, he continued. “And maybe even that was damnable.” He looked up and smiled a terrible, sad smile. “Sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to hear me whine about that.”

Otabek swallowed, then shook his head. “I do. I mean… If you want to tell me. I want to know about you. I’ll listen, whenever you want to talk, about anything.” He felt himself blush and cursed his reddening ears and cheeks. “I am there for you”, he then added and tried to smile encouraging although he was pretty sure it looked like a grimace.

Yuri’s eyes lit up and his smile became bright. “You are so adorable.” He stretched his long legs out and tugged on Otabek’s hand, so that the black-haired came to sit next to him. The towel around his waist untied and he pulled it in place. Yuri chuckled voiceless and spread the blanket over their lower bodies before cuddling against Otabek’s chest. The Kazakh held him for some time, silent, because he had a feeling that Yuri needed a few moments to prepare. He needed that time himself. Yuri’s eyes were so expressive, he knew what he was about to hear would break his heart.

“I’ve never told someone”, Yuri began hesitantly, sounding so vulnerable that Otabek pulled him a little closer and buried his nose in the golden mess of his hair to comfort them both. “Actually domestic abuse is really common back home in Russia. It’s not even a crime anymore, like it is in other countries. There’s a Russian saying that goes: ‘If they beat you, they love you’. I’m not convinced she ever loved me though.

Dad died when I was three. I don’t remember him. But Grampa said that he loved me. Supposedly she loved me too ‘til that day. I don’t remember that either. The only thing I remember is how she’d scream at me and throw me on the ground and lock me up in my room with the lights off. I was small so I couldn’t reach the light switch. I was scared of the dark till I was eleven.

Then Grampa came and took me away from there. I barely knew him by that time, because obviously she hated him as well, but I would have gone with anyone. Everything changed but I had a hard time adapting. He told me later that I wouldn’t talk to anyone for half a year or so. But he made it happen. He cared for me. He left the light on even at night. He made piroshki for me. He let me climb into his bed when I couldn’t sleep. On my fourth birthday he bought a cake with candles on it and he gave me a white tiger plushie. I still have photos from that day. For my fifth I got my first pair of skates. He told me that Dad had loved ice skating. I loved it too.

Once in a while my mother would show up. At first I didn’t want to leave my room when she came, but Grampa told me to behave and I did, because he promised me to go to the zoo to see the tigers every time when she had left again.

Sometimes when he looked at me I could tell that he was grief-stricken. He would silently watch me and tears would dwell in his eyes, but I’ve never seen him cry. I knew at one point how much I reminded him of Dad. He had some pictures on the shelf and when I was seven or eight I was tall enough to see them and I understood that he must be sad every time he looked at me, because I’m the exact copy of my dad. Like, the _exact_ copy. It’s like I’m his clone, the hair, the eyes, the wiry physique, the blush on the tip of his nose, it was like looking at a photo of the future me. And then I understood that this was also the reason my mother hated me so much. Because every single time she looked at me she saw him as well, him who she had loved and who she had lost. And I understood why she had screamed at me, screamed and never stopped.

I tried to be a good grandson. The best. I put all I had into skating, and more. Looking back I think that he was sometimes worried at how grimly I trained, but it was the only way I could show him that I was thankful and at the same time prove her wrong.

In my first competition in the juniors I took silver. When my mother married again that summer, Grampa said that only a spoiled child would refuse to even formally compliment of their own mother’s wedding, and I didn’t want her to think that, so I went there, all by myself because I thought I was finally strong enough. Of course it was a disaster. She ended up sending me away, shouting that my silver medal was proof enough that I could never reach my father, that I’d never be like him and that he’d be turning in his grave and that she wished that I had died in his place. I stopped calling her ‘mother’ on that day and I cried all night because I really felt that I only disappointed everyone. It was difficult keeping it a secret from Grampa, but I didn’t want him to know, because I thought that he would feel guilty, because he had convinced me to go there.

She never showed up after that, never called. Not when I won gold in the juniors, not when I won gold in the seniors. Grampa sent her cards for new-year and Russia-day every year. He said that it would be appropriate to send her a partial amount of the prize money, because only a spoiled child would keep it to themselves without thinking of their own mother. Now I know she had threatened to take me from him if she didn’t receive the money.

And then he died. And then she was there again. She stood in the living room - _our_ living room - and looked at my medals and her smile when she turned towards me was nothing but derision.” He fell silent for a moment before concluding: “And this is why I hate her.”

The silence was heavy. Otabek couldn’t think. His hands clinging onto Yuri felt numb. Everything felt numb. Then one thought became apparent: “Does she still abuse you?” His voice sounded hoarse.

Looking up at him Yuri smiled weirdly. “If she ever lays a finger on me I’ll kill her for good”, he said slowly. “Don’t worry.”

Otabek nodded. “If she ever lays a finger on you, _I’ll_ kill her”, he said. He rose his hand, stroked Yuri’s hair softly. “I’m your guardian now, remember?”

Smiling, Yuri replied: “I do”, then leaned in to kiss him, softly, almost innocent. When he backed away after some moments his cheeks had reddened. “There’s one more thing”, he said. “You remember, when you took me up there in Barcelona, do you recall what you said to me?”

Otabek nodded. “That I had seen you before. That I felt that we were alike. That I was impressed by your strength.”

“And that my eyes..”, Yuri whispered, letting Otabek finish:

“Your eyes were the eyes of a soldier.”

The boy nodded and tears shimmered in his eyes. “That was actually the most unexpected thing someone ever told me”, he explained with shaky voice. “And the most beautiful thing as well. Because, you know, I grew up knowing that I’d never be as good as my dad. I saw Grampa missing his son every time he laid eyes on me, knowing that I could never fill that hole in his heart, because I had been told that I wasn’t anything like Dad from when I was too small to even understand what that meant. She had brainwashed me and whatever I did, there was always the thought that I’d never be good enough to take his place for those who had lost him and who had loved him. Because I know how much Grampa loved him and I know that my mother loved him too, she loved him so much that she became pregnant with his child although he didn’t even want her as his wife, only to make him hers. I was nothing but a tool to her from the very beginning, from even before I existed already, but he died and I was still there reminding her of her loss every second ‘til her sadness became rage and her rage became hate.” The tears fell from his beautiful eyes, leaving shimmering traces on the rosy cheeks. “I tried to prove her wrong. I tried to show her that I could be like him, that she didn’t need to hate me, that she could love me. I thought that if I only tried hard enough she could see that I was enough and that she could forgive me. Because I feel so guilty. It was me who caused her anger and it was also me who caused that look in Grampa’s eyes. It’s all my fault. And I could never make up for that.” He wiped his eyes and continued: “But when you took me up there, you, who I didn’t even remember, who I had never noticed, you said that one thing that I had longed for to hear my entire life: You called me a soldier. A soldier, like lieutenant-colonel Pjotr Plisetsky.” He sobbed. “You saved me, Otabek. You made that pain go away and you didn’t even notice it was there. You know, if I had seen what we would become to each other I had kissed you right there, because that one word made me so incredibly happy. You recognized all my effort, my struggle, you had acknowledged it and that was all I ever fought for. You saved me. And I… I thank you so much for it, Otabek. So, so much.”

Otabek pulled Yuri closer, to his bare chest, where his heart beat so heavy. He couldn’t think of something to say. Again. But maybe he didn’t need to say something at all this one time. Because for this very moment his words from three months ago were enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The way Yuri repeated the word "soldier" in the show gave me the feeling that this might be more than just a mere comparison for him. I hope what I wrote makes sense to you as well ^^


	19. On love: Hatred/Affection

 

The sound of Yuri’s phone was heart-piercing. It gave them both a jump-scare when the device went off on the bedside table.

“Aaaah, it’s her again”, Yuri sighed and unwrapped Otabek’s arms to lean over and reach out for his cell phone. He didn’t pick up right away but looked at Otabek. “You’re there for me when I do that now, right?”

Otabek nodded and Yuri picked up with a reserved “What?”

Because Yuri was sitting back next to him he could hear every word that came from the speaker.

< _How dare you letting me wait so long?_ > Her voice would’ve sounded nice if she didn’t spit the words out like that, Otabek imagined. Right now it sent shivers down his spine though. < _Haven’t you seen that I called you? Where are you anyway? Not that I care too much, but you know, if you get into trouble they make me take the responsibility,_ _you know that_ _._ >

“Yes.”

< _You’ve been gone for a week now, do you realize that? Who do you think you are? Have you been practicing at least? You know that you need to win in Helsinki. I won’t allow any flaws, did I make myself clear?_ >

“Yes.”

Otabek wrapped his arms around Yuri’s chest.

< _What kind of response is that anyway? A little more respect if you please. I’m the one who has all the trouble back here, is that how you thank me for everything I have done for you? At least show some gratitude!_ >

“Yes.”

< _If you fail on gold it will have consequences, I guarantee you. And I’m not the only one. Guess who was there on the weekend? Right, I had a nice little chat with a certain Mister_ _Sergej_ _Komarov_ _, if you remember him. He said that you haven’t replied to his emails. I ensured him that you_ _are obedient_ _, I hope you keep in mind how important that is, for_ _y_ _our career and your responsibility as the heir of the Plisetsky name._ >

“Yes.”

< _I will not countenance if you fail and I won’t accept any excuses. You had your time for mourning, I expect that you finally stop acting like a weakling and live up to your reputation, especially now that that gay bastard of Nikiforov is back and don’t you let him snatch that gold from you, is that understood?_ >

Yuri swallowed and his “Yes” sounded weaker that the ones before.

< _You don’t want me to_ _take measures, so I hope that you won’t blacken my name._ >

Finally Yuri repulsed, if only in a low, bitter voice: “It’s not your name. It’s mine.”

She laughed scathing. < _Keep dreaming, boy. I’m done with you. Better concern yourself with your business. You’ve been indulged all your life, now finally grow up._ >

“Yes”, Yuri said low-voiced. “Don’t worry. And don’t call me ever again.”

She hung up without a word.

Yuri kept the phone pressed to his ear in a painful looking way, his hand so tense that his knuckles were white under the fair skin and Otabek was worried that he’d break the screen of the phone. He took it from Yuri, peeling the convulsed fingers from the case and put it out of sight on the mattress, then took Yuri in a warm embrace.

“I hate her so much”, Yuri whispered, causing a nod from Otabek.

“I understand.” He held Yuri close, placing small kisses on the soft hair once in a while.

“You heard everything?”, Yuri asked after a moment and again Otabek nodded, so he continued: “She’s the worst, isn’t she? It’s not my fault, right?”

Otabek kissed the light golden mess once more. “It’s not your fault,”, he murmured, “you were actually really calm and grown-up, despite everything she said. Never believe anything she lays to your charge, okay? You are wonderful. Perfect even. Never believe anyone who says something different.”

Yuri chuckled. “Your glasses are so rose-colored, I can’t believe you either!” He backed away and cupped Otabek’s cheek. “Do you love me?”

His heartbeat stopped, but he nodded, not capable of speaking. His insides tensed.

A smile crept on Yuri’s lips. “Thank you”, he whispered and kissed Otabek’s lips.

Eyes closed Otabek returned the favor. He did love Yuri after all. More than words could say. Maybe that was why he just couldn’t get the words out. Because ‘Yes, I love you’ was just a hollow understatement for what he really felt. His emotions were overwhelming. He had always been a quiet person so that he wasn’t used to speaking his thoughts out loud. He had always read a lot, and he knew many words and expressions theoretically but when it came to use them he was never sure what was appropriate. That’s why he had no idea how to describe what he felt for Yuri. There were so many words scampering in his mind, but he couldn’t arrange them in a way that expressed that feeling, nothing was really accurate. So he could only kiss him back, grab his skinny shoulders and hold him close, although he had a feeling that still Yuri could never understand how absolute his affection towards the beautiful Russian was.

Not even breaking the contact Yuri repositioned himself to sit on Otabek’s lap, wrapping his fingers around the Kazakh’s nape, then deepened the kiss. His breath sped up and naturally the pressure on his lap had an effect on Otabek as well. He let his hands wander over Yuri’s shoulders and upper arms, then downwards, down his sides until they grabbed the slender waist, pulling Yuri even closer. The blonde moaned into the kiss, backed away and pressed up on his knees to look at Otabek through his long lashes and with feverish glowing lips and cheeks.

“What are you doing to me?”, he whispered. Otabek didn’t understand but only looked at him questioningly so that the Russian in a hushed voiced went on: “You make me so hungry for you, I’m so excited every time we kiss. Is that normal? I never want to stop.” Bending forward he kissed him again, his hair all over their faces.

The desire stirred up in Otabek. Yuri just felt too good. His thin fingers held his head and his sweet mouth felt so innocent but so enticing at the same time.

“Tell me what you want to do to me”, Yuri whispered in between kisses. “I want to know what the Kazakh Hero dreams of doing to his Russian Fairy. Does he want to only kiss him? Does he want to suck his pink little dick? Or would he rather thrust all the way inside him ‘til little Yuratchka is all sore and begs for release? He’d love to, you know?”

Otabek gasped. Considering the fact that he was the first person Yuri had ever been with he sure had some dirty ideas. “Take that off”, he commanded and tugged on Yuri’s wrinkled white shirt. Yuri followed the request obediently, the shirt came to lie somewhere on the bed, Otabek couldn’t care less. His mouth and hands were all over Yuri only a split second later, causing the sweetest moans and gasps. This skin felt so soft, so smooth, those bones so sharp underneath it. Otabek kissed his chest, licked his nipples, bit his collarbones. When he focused on Yuri’s throat, the blonde whined and pulled him closer. It made Otabek smile, remembering how Yuri had reacted when he had bitten him earlier.

He did it again. And the moment his teeth came down on Yuri’s neck the boy shrieked of pleasure. This time Otabek didn’t stop. Instead his hands grabbed Yuri’s butt, squeezed the soft flesh. The sounds Yuri made were music to his ears. He sucked on the skin, locking his jaws harder on Yuri’s neck but slowly so he’d notice if Yuri’s whining became a painful one. There was no sign of that though. Although it must be torturous by now Yuri’s hands on the back of his head dragged him even closer, his hips pressing forward against Otabek’s abdomen. The boy was hard as a rock.

Inhaling shakily Otabek let his teeth go of the crook of Yuri’s neck. He tugged on the soft skin under Yuri’s jaw joint with his incisors, then very close to the boy’s ear hummed: “And what does the Russian Fairy like the Kazakh Hero to do to him?” He let the fingers of his left hand run through Yuri’s hair softly, then tugged on it playfully. His right hand still grabbed the lovely butt cheek. Yuri whined. “Does he want him to bite down on his soft skin? Does he like a little pain? Does he want to be pestered?” He tugged on Yuri’s hair a little more, earning a stifled moan. “Sure looks like it to me.” He chuckled, then grit his teeth and in a low, threatening voice hissed: “Answer the question!”

“Yes!”, Yuri yelped. “He likes that. He wants that!”

It felt like Otabek’s insides caught fire. So, Yuri enjoyed to be teased? That was something he could actually work with, although he had never expected it. He had always been under the impression that Yuri liked to be lionized. Otabek gladly would have done that as well, without a doubt. But the change in perspective was very interesting and it aroused him a lot.

“Good”, he breathed against Yuri’s cheek and kissed it softly. Then, very sudden, he grabbed Yuri’s shoulders and pressed the slender body onto the bed. The whitish golden hair spread on the sheets like quicksilver, tourmaline eyes looked up at him full of expectation. He was so incredibly gorgeous that Otabek’s heart felt like it got ripped out of his chest.

He bent down over Yuri, noticed that the towel eventually fell from his waist, kissed Yuri’s lips, then his neck and chest, the ribs, the spot under Yuri’s navel. He pulled down the underwear Yuri must have gotten in place again when they had laid down earlier, but this time he stripped it from the adorable long legs completely so that when he sat up Yuri laid there in all his pale naked beauty, white and golden, the only colors the deep green of his hopeful eyes and the light pink of his cheeks and erection. Otabek looked him up and down, taking in the sight he had imagined countless times. ‘He’s mine’, he thought and the realization was almost more than he could take.

“You are mine now”, he heard himself say. He hadn’t even intended to, his voice had just developed momentum on it’s own, but he was glad that it did because Yuri nodded and then with shimmering lips repeated: “I’m yours now.”

Otabek grit his teeth. His cock was so hard it hurt. “Do you want me?”, he asked, his voice so full of suppressed desire he almost expected it to break.

Yuri bit his lower lip. Then he nodded.

Bending down, the black-haired pushed Yuri’s legs apart. The boy moaned out loud when Otabek’s tongue ran over the tip of his cock, down to his balls, when he sucked on the soft skin teasingly, then moved further down. He pushed the white legs up and farther apart and brought his tongue down to the small hole. Yuri screamed and his legs twitched, but Otabek grabbed them harder and continued.

“No, Otabek!”, Yuri screamed, “no, I can’t- Aaah! Please!”

He chuckled, lifted his head up to look at Yuri who stared at him with wide eyes. “Please what?” Yuri just stared at him, lips gaping. “Want me to stop?”

Yuri shook his head fiercely.

“Want me to keep going?” Yuri didn’t nod, but kept quiet, most likely because he was too embarrassed to say what he wanted, but Otabek wouldn’t make it too easy for him. “Tell me what you want me to do, Yuratchka.” He let go of Yuri’s one leg and ran his index finger along the underside of Yuri’s throbbing cock, making the Russian pant. “Say it.”

He saw Yuri’s lips move, but the words were too low. “I didn’t hear you”, he said.

When he let his finger move lower Yuri gasped and repeated it, but his voice was still only a whisper.

Of course Otabek knew what he said. But he wanted it loud and clear. He wanted him to confess it. “Louder.”

Squeezing his eyes shut Yuri let out a whine, then looked at him again and with shaking but audible voice said: “Please, Otabek. I want you to fuck me.” His body twitched when he said it, Otabek felt it with his finger he had placed on the little hole.

“Gladly”, he said after a moment and reached out for the box on the night stand. He couldn’t bear it a second longer. He opened the box, took one of the little sachets, opened it carefully. He stifled a moan when he rolled the condom over his aching cock. When he looked down on Yuri, he realized he had forgotten something important.

“Listen”, he began, blushing. He didn’t want to ruin it, but he hadn’t thought of this one detail. Leaning over Yuri he took one of the slender pale hands, so that the boy looked back at him. “I’m stupid, I forgot to buy lube. It can be done without it, but it’s not that easy. It may hurt. I am sorry. If you want me to try I will be very careful and I’ll stop if it is not okay for you. But if you want me to stop now I can get you off like earlier. I will make you feel good, I promise. I can wait until I bought some lube, that’s okay for me-”

“I said I want you to fuck me”, Yuri interrupted him, his expression very, very serious. It took Otabek by surprise to say the least. “Maybe you can wait, but I can’t, goddammit. Don’t you get how much I want you?” He frowned and placed a hand on Otabek’s cheek softly. “Do what needs to be done, but don’t let me wait any longer. Be careful or hurt me, I don’t care, but finally do it.” He inhaled through his teeth, producing a hissing sound. “Please, Otabek. Please.”

“Okay”, he decided. He could make it happen, he’d just need to be especially careful. “But we need to come up with something that makes me stop in case you don’t like it or if I hurt you. Something like...” He fell silent, when he didn’t have an idea. But again Yuri surprised him.

“Baursaki.”

Otabek shook his head irritated. “What?”

“Baursaki”, Yuri echoed. “It made me stop before when you said it. It’ll make you stop as well.” He smiled a little, ran his fingers through Otabek’s relatively long front hair. His eyes followed the motion, when he lowly added: “Not that I want you to ever stop.” He locked eyes with Otabek again. “Now make me feel good”, he whispered. “I want to lose my mind.”

Otabek nodded stunned. Then he leaned back and brought his fingers to that little hole again. Blushing he let some saliva leak from his lips to his fingertips, spreading it onto the twitching muscle.

“Oh God”, Yuri breathed, pulling his knees to his chest while at the same time forcing his legs further apart.

Otabek exhaled slowly, then brought his cock to Yuri’s hole, pressed the tip against it. He focused, spit onto the tip and leaned forward just a little. It already felt so good. Even with the condom, even without lube. He held his cock in place with one hand, leaned in more.

“Oh my God!”, Yuri exclaimed when the tip slipped into the hole, then once again, louder this time: “Oh my God!”

Otabek grit his teeth. Yuri was so tight. It felt incredible. But he needed to take it slow, he didn’t want to hurt Yuri by no means.

“Otabek!” The other boy’s voice sounded a little shrill and Otabek looked up to him, worried that it was too much, when all of a sudden Yuri moved his hips against him, taking in more, throwing his head back, screaming. “Oh my God, Otabek, you feel so good!”, he whined and clenched his fingers into the sheets, pressing him further towards Otabek, who bent over, supporting his upper body with his hands next to Yuri’s head. He squint his eyes shut, but opened them again immediately to look at Yuri, when he thrust deeper into him until he was all inside.

Yuri looked back at him, eyes shimmering and he made a sound that sounded like he was sobbing, but then wrapped his wonderful legs around Otabek, pulling him closer, moaning blissfully.

It was the best thing Otabek had ever felt, way better than he could have imagined. And it had been easier than expected as well. He had heard that that happened. He knew that sometimes it went smoothly and sometimes it just didn’t work without causing a lot of pain, even when using a lubricant. So he had secretly expected that Yuri would tell him to stop halfway through at the latest. But it seemed to work for Yuri, well even. They were both so lucky. And it felt so good for Otabek too. It was so different with the one he wanted, _really_ wanted.

He lowered his head and kissed Yuri’s neck, spreading his legs even further, thrusting deeper.

“Ah, Yuri”, he moaned against the soft skin, moved his hips back, then thrust into him again.

The sweet whines the blonde produced spurred him, making him move his hips harder, faster. Yuri wrapped his arms around him, let his hands stroke up and down his back.

“More”, he whispered, moaned louder when Otabek did it, but couldn’t get enough, as he once more begged: “More!”

Otabek pressed up on his hands, thrust his hips forcefully against the lean body, watched how Yuri more and more lost control. The blonde hair flew around when Yuri threw his head from one side to the other, whimpering with every thrust. His cock bobbed against his abdomen in sync with Otabek’s movements. The black-haired closed his fingers around the hard flesh, watching how it leaked precum. He moved his hand, pulling back the foreskin, then looked up to Yuri’s face again, when the boy whined pitifully.

The green eyes were so piercing, Otabek had to hold back not to get off immediately. Yuri’s stare at him was so intense it was almost scary, and then, still keeping eye contact with Otabek, he slowly tilted his head to the side so unambiguously that without second thought the Kazakh reached out and wrapped his fingers around Yuri’s throat.

“More.”

The windpipe vibrated under Otabek’s palm when Yuri said the word and he did it. His fingers tightened around the fragile neck, more and more, while he thrust hard into the twitching body. He watched as Yuri’s eyes closed in bliss, his moans fading into a mere wheeze. He thought that maybe it was too much, but right that moment Yuri rose his both hands and wrapped his fingers around his wrist and pressed his hand harder against his throat. He lifted his back from the mattress while pressing the back of his head against it, clinging onto Otabek’s arm harder.

Rosy lips parted in a voiceless scream when Yuri orgasmed. His cum splattered all over his chest, up to his neck, into his hair, on Otabek’s arm.

The Kazakh lessened the pressure of his fingers to let Yuri catch his breath, but he couldn’t stop thrusting, he was too close. Yuri was too beautiful. He bent forward, hid his face in Yuri’s hair. “Yuri”, he breathed. “Yuri!” He smelled so good. He felt so good.

The fingers came back to his spine, stroked his shoulder blades. Then he felt short fingernails scratching over skin, down to his ribs, that one spot that made him come faster than anything else.

“Yuri!”, he moaned, the pitch of his voice higher than usual. He couldn’t control himself, not if it all felt _so_ good.

Yuri scratched him again, pulling him deep inside with his legs. His voice was a breathless whisper when he said: “Fill me up.”

Whimpering Otabek got off. He pressed his hips against Yuri and his forehead into the golden hair. It took some seconds until it was all out and he collapsed on the slender body underneath him.

Yuri held him, ran the fingers of his right hand through Otabek’s hair and they both calmed down.

“Otabek”, Yuri whispered after some time. “Thank you.”

He couldn’t answer. He thought he’d start crying if he didn’t hold still, didn’t keep quiet, didn’t hold his breath. He loved Yuri more every second. He wondered how he’d survive if Yuri kept being so absurdly adorable.

He nodded, swallowed hard.

“Are you okay?”, Yuri murmured, still stroking his hair gently.

Otabek inhaled shakily, then pressed up on his elbows. The look in the tourmaline eyes was so concerned he laughed voiceless, then leaned forward and placed a kiss on the confused Russian’s lips. “Yes”, he said, when he backed away again, his voice weak. “I am okay. I am actually so okay, that I don’t know if I can stand it.”

Yuri looked at him helpless, so that Otabek smiled and kissed him again. “You are so… so… incredibly… wonderful”, he whispered, eyes closed. “I… don’t know how to deal with everything I feel for you.” He sighed and looked at Yuri again, then felt he should probably move. “I’m sorry”, he murmured and carefully pulled out of Yuri, who gasped at the friction.

There was a second of awkward silence, then Yuri shoved him on the bed and cuddled up against him.

“Was that the Altin-way of saying ‘I love you’?”, he chuckled and Otabek nodded embarrassed.

“Sorry”, he said again. “I have never been good with people to begin with.”

Yuri breathed a kiss onto his collarbone, light and gentle like a butterfly. “You don’t need to be. You’re perfect the way you are. And I understand you better every second I’m with you.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “I hope that’s mutual. Because I’m not good with people either. And I too don’t know how to deal with all that mumbo-jumbo that’s going on in my heart.”

Otabek still stared at the ceiling a long time after Yuri had fallen asleep, the light golden mess resting on the un-tattooed side of his chest and he wondered how Yuri could have fallen asleep with the Kazakh heart beating so incredibly loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time writing this chapter so that it didn't sound like a cheap smut-romance-pulp fiction (not that I ever read one of those ^^'). I hope I succeeded and that you liked it. I'm very proud of what a disgusting bitch Yuliya turned out to be. And Yuri being a little maso was planned right from the beginning, sue me, je ne regrette rien!


	20. Chapter 20. On love: Simple and Clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, very soft Otabek ahead. I love him endlessly like that. orz

 

 

“Are you trying to control me now?” Green eyes shot furious glances at Otabek.

“You know I wouldn’t do that”, he said, staying calm. “I am just worried-”

“You don’t trust me, that’s it!”, Yuri spat and crossed his arms, looking down on Otabek who sighed.

“That is not true-”

Again Yuri didn’t let him finish the sentence, but interrupted him: “Stop making a fool of me, if you did you’d just believe me!” He pushed a strand of his moist hair behind his ear and glared at him. “But instead you keep prying, like… like I’m just… I don’t know what! A filthy liar! That’s a nice way to show how much you trust me!”

“But I do!” Otabek rarely rose his voice. It seemed in most cases it was because of Yuri. He didn’t scream, he just fell out of his really low, gentle, usual tone, got a little louder. And only because Yuri just wouldn’t listen.

“Oh, really?”, he said, sounding bitchy.

“I do”, Otabek said once more, calm again. “Please, don’t be angry, I’m just worried about you, because I care so much for you.”

Yuri’s pursed his lips.

“I just...” Still not sure in what words to explain Otabek looked down on Yuri’s knees. “I think.”, he tried. “A lot. Too much. My brain just keeps making things up. Like, when you go to the bathroom, I think about how hard it is for you. Not to throw up. After breakfast I couldn’t leave my eyes off you, because I am scared that it overcomes you. I don’t want that to happen. I know you can do it. But I have no idea how it is for you. Is it hard? I don’t know. And if it is, can I do something to make it easier? I want to be there for you. I don’t want you to do that by yourself. I don’t want to be… passive. Because that caused me so many problems in my life. I don’t want to screw up. Not this time, not when it’s about you. I’m worried sick about you. I just want you to be healthy and happy and...” He shook his head. “I don’t want that you feel bad.” He looked up to Yuri again, who still just stood there, too far away to touch him, but close enough to see that sparkle in the tourmaline eyes. Was it anger? He looked down on his knees again, he couldn’t stand that look. “I’m sorr-” His voice broke.

Yuri took two quick steps, placed his hands on Otabek’s jaw making him look up to him. “No, no, no”, he murmured, his eyes softening, bending forward to look him in the eyes. “Don’t you cry now, you hear me?”

Otabek bit his lips and shook his head.

“I’m sorry”, Yuri said.

“ _I’m_ sorry”, Otabek replied lowly. He managed to hold the tears back. “There’s so many things I don’t understand. I really don’t want to make things even harder for you.”

“It’s not your fault”, Yuri cut in. “I’m just difficult. Don’t be sad, okay?” He smiled encouraging, Otabek nodded.

He really hadn’t intended to piss Yuri off. He had really just been worried.

When Yuri had woken up again they had decided that it was time for either a late lunch or early dinner, but they had been sticky, so they showered, Otabek first, Yuri right afterwards. While the water had been running, Otabek had thought about the past hours and days. He had learned so much about Yuri, things he had never, ever expected. He had to accept the fact that Yuri wasn’t just a noisy, hard-to-deal-with, adorable teenager because he was so full of hormones they came out of his ears, but that the boy had experienced so many traumatizing things that Otabek wondered how Yuri had remained so normal. He recapped the last week and then noticed that the water had stopped running and then heard the flush and then he started to worry again, maybe more than ever. When Yuri had stepped into the bedroom where Otabek sat on the bed in tattered black jeans and white button-down shirt, the Kazakh had said “Hey, I wondered… you haven’t thrown up since yesterday, have you?” and the Russian had bridled up.

“Hey, Otabek”, he whispered, sitting down next to him. “Everything’s fine now, isn’t it? Cheer up.”

He nodded, looked over to the blonde boy. “It’s not like you can tell from my face if I am happy or troubled”, he tried joking, but it fell flat.

Yuri threw his thin arms around him and pulled Otabek close almost brutally. “Shit, stop being so fucking adorable, you drive me nuts”, he whined. “Now I’m feeling bad for yelling at you. I’ve never felt bad for yelling at someone my entire life!” He sighed deeply next to Otabek’s temple. He had grown so fast, three months ago it would have been next to his throat. “And, by the way, I can”, he murmured after a moment. “Tell if you are happy I mean. Because when you are happy, you look at me with those pretty dark eyes. When you are not, you look away. It’s very easy actually. And it makes me happy as well, because you usually look at me all the time. Like, honestly, you do that _so_ often. I like that. And sometimes you smile this precious little smile that I fell in love with when you sat across the table in that stupid Café in Barcelona and I couldn’t even be angry about how long they took to prepare a simple Turrón-blando-caffè-macchiato, because you smiled at me all the time, no matter what bullshit I babbled.” He chuckled, stroked Otabek’s hair lovingly. “You always look so grim when you are with other people, but when you look at me it’s very different. Your eyes change from hard and cold and black to soft and gentle and warm-black. Ah, that sounds so stupid, but it’s true.” He pushed Otabek away, fixing his gaze on exactly those eyes. “See, I can read you like an open book. Because I… I like you a lot.”

“I like you too”, the Kazakh said blushing. “A lot.”

“And you are so handsome as well”, Yuri said and messed up Otabek’s hair with both hands. “I need to take a lot more pictures of you. By the way, what about the pictures from your job, have you received some already? I really want to see them.”

Otabek closed his eyes, enjoying how Yuri played with his hair, following the distraction. “I haven’t checked my mail account to be honest”, he replied.

“Whaaat? You need to do that, I’m so excited about those photos!” Yuri bounced up and down on the mattress. It made Otabek laugh.

“I’ll promise to do right when we are back from dinner”, he promised.

“Where do we go anyway?”

“It’s not far from here”, he explained and watched how Yuri got up to search his bag for clothes. Otabek heard the sound of the pill boxes, when Yuri rifled through his stuff but tried to not let it get to him. “I don’t want to risk that you catch a cold with your wet hair out there. But I like their menu a lot.”

“Don’t worry about my hair,”, Yuri soothed him, “actually I’m often too lazy for blow-drying it properly in Russia as well, but I rarely get ill. Once in two years or something like that. I might look decrepit and puny, but my body’s defenses are real soldiers!” He turned his head to the side and winked at Otabek with a wide grin and the black-haired smiled. He watched as Yuri put on a black tanktop and pulled extremely tight red skinny jeans up his come-hither legs. He seemed to hesitate then turned around towards him. “Can I borrow a sweater from you?” He sounded awkwardly abashed, but Otabek just shrugged.

“Pick one”, he allowed, gesturing towards his wardrobe.

Yuri got over there with a sweet smile. “I have a confession to make”, he said. Although Otabek couldn’t see his face as Yuri opened the wardrobe door he could tell from Yuri’s voice that the Russian was still grinning. “I checked out your stuff earlier. When you went running before, I went to the toilet and when I came back I was too snoopy to let the chance pass.” He reached out for Otabek’s favorite sweater, the one with the white square on it, and looked at him as if asking for permission. “You wore that on that one single selfie you uploaded on IG in three months and I instantly fell in love.”

“Go ahead”, Otabek grant permission, not sure if he really should think about if Yuri had fallen in love with him or the garment, but was distracted as the blonde boy got into the sweater that hung on him even baggier than on Otabek himself because of his slender built. He tousled his hair and looked at Otabek through thick golden strands. He was so adorable the breath got stuck in the older boy’s throat.

“Looks okay?”, Yuri asked and tugged down the hem.

“Okay is not the word”, Otabek murmured and ran his fingers through his hair sighing.

“I thought it’d go well with that jeans”, Yuri said cheerily, oblivious of the mental breakdown he had caused Otabek. He looked down his body and nodded content. “Well, I’m ready to go.”

Otabek got up from the bed. “Are you sure you don’t want me to run over there and get take-out?”, he asked again, but like before Yuri shook his head.

“I told you already when we got up, I’m okay. Nothing hurts, I can walk, nothing is sore.” He came a step closer, took Otabek’s hand and pulled him towards the door. Not looking at him he lowly added: “I’d like you to change that though.”

It was the second almost-heartattack within minutes.

The restaurant two blocks from Otabek’s apartment served Kazakh and Uzbek dishes and was especially well-known for it’s pilaf. They got a table in the far back where the light was dim and were handed the dog-eared menus but Otabek didn’t even have to flip through the pages to know what he’d pick.

Yuri watched him excitedly. “Can you order something for me?”, he asked. “Can you speak Kazakh? I really wanna hear.”

Otabek gave him a lopsided grin. “Sure.”

The waitress came over to their table and Otabek ordered two dishes of pilaw and shubat for the both of them, in Kazakh as promised.

“May I ask”, the waitress added after a moment of hesitation when she had written down the orders on the little notepad, “I think I recognize you from TV. You’re both figure skaters, right?” When Otabek nodded, she smiled brightly. “You were here before, but I wasn’t sure, so I didn’t dare to ask. It’s an honor to have you here!”

“Thank you”, Otabek responded, still in Kazakh. “It’s no wonder though, your pilaw is the best in town after all.”

She blushed as if he had directed the compliment to her. “I’ll let the Chef know”, she said. “Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb. Thank you.” She smiled brightly at Yuri as well and headed towards the counter.

Rubbing his palms, Yuri’s smile was just as bright as hers when Otabek looked at him.

“What?”, he went back to Russian stifling a laugh.

“You sound super cute when you speak Kazakh”, the blonde answered. “You have a slight accent in Russian, but I see where it comes from now.” Resting his chin on his palm he looked across the table. “I appreciate it a lot. I always thought your pronunciation sounds beautiful in Russian. It’s enjoyable to hear you speak.” He panicked when he realized what he had just said. “I- I mean, I like your voice and… how you talk…” He made a weird sound and blushed. With splayed out fingers he combed his hair to cover his face. It was cute and make Otabek chuckle openly.

“I’ll take it as a compliment.”

Peeking out between the golden stands Yuri added: “You should really talk more, though. Not only because I like to listen to you, but...” Sitting up he became a bit more serious although the blush stuck to the tip of his nose. He had mentioned he had that from his dad. “To be honest I don’t know a lot about you. Not as much as I want to at least.” Slender fingers combed his messy hair back. “I mean, we are… boyfriends now and I don’t really know anything about you while you… well, you know almost every dirty little detail about my fucked-up life now.” He shrugged, his eyes piercing and as green as the Issyk lake.

“What do you want to know?”, Otabek offered. “You can ask me anything.”

The green eyes shifted to look along the curtain, then after a moment of deliberating humming returned to Otabek. “How did you learn to ride a motorbike?”

“At the driving school.”

“Oh come on!”, Yuri exclaimed. “A few more details please!”

It made Otabek chuckle again. “Sorry, I’m not used to talking about myself.” He scratched his neck, thinking about where to start, then began: “Actually it was more a rebellion thing at the beginning. I had always liked the thought of having a bike when I was old enough, but for my mother it was out of question. Too dangerous, too wild, what if you have an accident and break a leg, you’re skating career will be over, stuff like that. My father had a bike as well when he was younger so he could understand my feelings in a way, but my mother can be convincing in a… terrifying way.” He laughed lowly. “She’s the secret head of the family instead of my father because if you make her angry it’s like waking a dragon: You surrender or you won’t make it out alive. But I was stubborn and when the first checks of prize money from competitions came in, I secretly took driving lessons and when I had the license I told them at Sunday's breakfast. My mother went off like a Sarmat bomb, it was the worst breakfast in the history of mankind, believe me. She said that she’d never allow me to own a bike. Plot twist: On my 18th my father took me to go buy one though. He had persuaded her, don’t ask me how, and she kind of allowed it but never wanted to talk about it. So we went over to the shop and he paid with credit card.”

“Wow”, Yuri said, stretching the word in recognition. “That was really nice of him.”

The waitress brought their shubat and Otabek thanked her, then took a sip before nodding. “It was pretty hard to find one I can handle with my short legs though”, he explained grinning. “I had to chose between the one I have now and a Ducati Monster, the small one, but I didn’t want to break mother’s heart by picking the racer.”

“How nice of you”, was the answer uttered through an ironic grin.

“You won’t have that problem, so don’t judge me!”

They both laughed.

“What’s that?” The pale chin gestured towards the glass.

“Shubat”, was the reply. “It’s like kumys, but made of camel milk. A lot tastier as well if you ask me.”

“It’s alcohol?”

Otabek nodded. “But no worries, I won’t let you get drunk after what happened the other day.” He smiled when Yuri grimaced.

“Yeah, that headache was the worst.”

Otabek tilted his head. “That’s not what I mean, but yes, we’ll avoid that as well.”

There was a glimmer of confusion in Yuri’s eyes and he hesitated, then asked: “What else do you mean?”

For a moment the Kazakh wasn’t sure if Yuri was bluffing, but he had mentioned that he didn’t remember what had happened that night, neither that he had tripped in the hallway, and probably much less what had happened afterwards. There was no point in embarrassing him by putting it on the table.

“Nothing, you don’t remember anyway, let’s let it be.” The words got accompanied by a shrug but Otabek had forgotten that Yuri wasn’t to get off the hook so easy.

“I did something stupid, didn’t I”, he guessed, then kept speculating: “Something so stupid that you don’t want me to remember, right?” He sighed and tugged on his hair. “Okay, I’m ashamed now either way, tell me what I did. Did I start a fight with someone?”

Otabek shook his head, not really convinced that the truth would be exactly edifying for the Russian to hear.

“Did I start a fight with _you_?”, Yuri kept guessing, and when Otabek shook his head continued: “Did I….” Enlightenment made his eyes widen. “Oh God, did I grope you?” Otabek remained silent, causing Yuri to release a whining sound while hiding his face behind his hands. “Oh my God, that is so embarrassing”, he mumbled in an awkward, high-pitched voice. “And I thought in the morning that my underwear was stick-” He looked up again, shocked when he realized what he had just said.

“The shubat is harmless, really”, Otabek tried to distract him with an insecure smile and Yuri’s eyes attached to the light liquid. “And it’s really tasty, you’ll see.”

It turned out that it hadn’t been the most harmless idea to have Yuri try the creamy, white drink. The way the Russian licked the liquid from his lips, his eyes still shimmering in embarrassment sent a bolt down his crotch. “Do you like it?”, he asked, trying to make his voice sound nonchalant.

“Super tasty.” Yuri stared at the glass. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that I...”

“Don’t worry. I didn’t take advantage and you were not too molesting, so it is okay”, Otabek responded calmly, but Yuri shook his head furiously.

“It’s not, you had feelings for me and I trampled on them like a total asshole, because I didn’t have myself under control. That’s not okay at all, you should at least be mad at me.”

Reaching out for Yuri’s hand Otabek smiled. “I usually do not get mad at people. Especially not at you.”

Yuri looked up at him and whispered: “I’m so sorry.” He took Otabek’s hand and sighed. “But yeah, the shubat is really sweet and tasty.”

The pilaf came after a while and Yuri enjoyed it even more than Otabek. “That’s super good! It’s nothing like the pilaf we have in Russia. It’s so fluffy and juicy and-” He kept eating without ending the sentence.

“There’s one thing I’ve been thinking about”, he said after he had half finished the dish. “In Barcelona, why didn’t you change your program?”

Otabek frowned, so Yuri went on explaining:

“After the short program, when stupid JJ had screwed up, why didn’t you change your free skate? You were so far ahead of him, you could have taken at least bronze then. I calculated a little, if you had added one quad to the second half that medal had been cut and dried without a doubt. We had been on the podium next to each other, and I’m convinced you could have beaten Katsuki and me as well, you’re routine was awesome and you skated it on point. I hadn’t realized it back then, but when I watched the recording with Grampa when I got home it gave me goosebumps, so good was it. I had a feeling that you were encouraging everyone by showing how far you can get with devotion and the courage to take every chance and it had encouraged me for sure. It was so intense, I really don’t understand why you didn’t place at least third. And the more often I watched it the more obvious it became to me that if you had made only some minor changes, you would have wiped the floor with JJ’s fucking catchphrase.” He let the fork sink and sat back in anticipation. “You must have thought about that as well, right?”

After a moment of thinking Otabek nodded. Of course he had.

“Then why? Why didn’t you do it. One quad had been enough!”

“I know”, he said slowly. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about that yet. But then he remembered how honest Yuri had been with him all the time, and he felt he owed him at least that much. “You are right. I could have done that. I thought about it. But I decided against it.”

“You decided against a medal at the Grand Prix Final. You need to explain that to me.”

Again Otabek nodded. “I decided not to go for that medal because… Because I never wanted it.”

Yuri’s confused look was comprehensible.

“It’s actually not that easy”, he began lowly, took a sip of his drink and tugged his shirt straight while thinking of where to start. “I have known JJ for some time now. We were rink mates when I was in Canada and although I don’t consider him a friend I probably know him better than most other skaters, with the exception of Leo maybe. We hung out occasionally and although he is noisy and a little self centered he is a really hardworking guy. He is eager and with his talent he was meant to be a ridiculously good skater before long. I never could compare to him, because the only thing I had that he hadn’t is my almost pathological grimness. He didn’t need that. He was bright and shining and I lingered in the background with my gloomy stare. He was the King and I was just that spooky guy that sometimes happened to be in the same photo. I admired him a little because his career was a fairytale and everything just came to him naturally. And then in Barcelona he fell. Deep. I still don’t know how that happened. It was like he shattered on the ground and hopelessly broke, but he is not the type to give up. His free skate wasn’t good, you knew that, he knew that and I knew that. But he was still good enough to catch up. I couldn’t take that from him, I was sure he’d never recover from such a defeat. So I decided not to change my program, because he needed that medal. I didn’t.” He watched Yuri’s look getting even more confused, so he added, without even blushing: “Because by that time I had already achieved what I had fought for my entire life. I’ve never skated for medals. I’ve always only skated to get your attention. That’s all there is to it.”

Yuri stared at him for a second. Even when he recollected enough to speak, all he uttered was a blank “What?”. He sat up.

Otabek rubbed his chin with the tip of his index finger. “I never had a chance to score higher than JJ in a fair way. It was the right thing to do.” He shrugged.

Silence fell over them, only disturbed by the sound of forks on porcelain from farther back in the restaurant and the wind buffeting the windowpane.

“Wow”, Yuri said after a while, eyebrows risen. “You are clearly insane.” He bit his lip and then added: “But in a honest way. Like… Is that why they call you the Hero of Kazakhstan? Because you are clearly more out of a fairytale than that self-proclaimed King JJ?”

Otabek laughed lowly. “My mother just brought me up to be a reasonable Altin. Well, as much as I can be.”

“So...”, Yuri came up. “You and JJ and Leo? You were buddies back there?”

“Something like that.” Buddies wasn’t the word, but they had been three figure skaters at a similar age, so there had been some kind of light companionship.

“Does that mean that JJ knows about… well, about how you… tried to get my attention?” His voice trailed off questioningly. He clearly didn’t want to hear a Yes.

“Yes.” Otabek picked up his fork again. “I never told him, but I guess he figured out by the way I got excited about the videos from your routines. Well, as excited as you can get with my face.”

The comment made Yuri chuckle. “That sounds like you stayed awake all night staring at my programs again and again.”

Picking up some food, Otabek shrugged. “It was in the morning more. Because of the timezones.”

Yuri laughed baffled. “That sounds like you are a total fanboy of me. Weird.”

“I’m not ashamed.” With a light smile he kept eating and Yuri did the same. You could tell from how the stared at the table that he was still thinking about the whole thing.

“You have some pretty dark secrets”, he said eventually. As Otabek looked up he noticed that Yuri’s cheeks had blushed. “I… I feel kind of honored though. Especially about how you let JJ win.” He shot him a glance, murmuring: “I have a fucking awesome boyfriend.”

Otabek had never been that proud in his life. This strange feeling tensed his insides and it didn’t go away, not when they finished eating, not when they cuddled on the couch after they had run home through the worsening storm, and especially not when they laid down and Yuri kissed him goodnight before snuggling up close to him. The blonde sighed in pure bliss and Otabek felt exactly the same. He was indescribably happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm one of those "Otabek deserved bronze" people, deal with it XD I thought a lot about the Grand Prix Final and this is the only way it makes sense for me. Also there was a lot revealed in this chapter, and finally Yuri had the opportunity to yell again, which was refreshing after all his softness. Poor Otabek though. Ah, and btw, actually Kazakhs rarely have an accent, I just thought it was cute. ^^  
> So...  
> After the preview video of Welcome to the Madness came out two days ago, I hope you guys still continue to follow the progress of this story, even after it's official now that there was A LOT more going on in Barcelona already.


	21. On love: The Calm [...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being late!!!! orz

Chapter 21. On love: The Calm [...]

 

“I’ll be back soon”, he whispered and breathed a kiss on soft pale lips.

“Don’t make me wait too long”, Yuri whispered in return and grabbed the collar of his sweater to pull him closer and kiss him again.

The feeling from yesterday hadn’t vanished. Otabek carried it around like it was a new organ growing in his chest. While he was running he felt lighter. The air felt fresher. The sound of the gravel under his feet was clear and beautiful and when he had circled the park for the second time he stopped and looked around him, taking in the trees becoming greener and the songs of the birds and he just started laughing, lowly but from the heart. So this was what it felt like to be in love. It was silly. But he never wanted it to stop.

He took a photo of a cat sleeping on a bench in the soft spring morning sunlight and shared it on instagram with the caption “sleeping kittens are too adorable”, tagging Yuri in it.

On his way back after two more laps he stopped by at the drug store once again, then went over to the French bakery to buy caramel flavored flaky pastry that Yuri would love a lot for sure and finally went home. Yuri had fallen asleep again, so Otabek prepared breakfast, strolling over to the bedroom while the tea steeped to wake his own sleeping kitten.

“Yuratchka”, he whispered and caressed the golden hair gently, placing a kiss on the light pink tip of his ear that peeked out of the hair. “Breakfast is ready. Want to get up? I bought some pastry for us.”

Yuri hummed and began wriggling like a real cat, stretching his back and arms and yawning before slowly opening his eyes. He looked at Otabek sleepy and smiled. “Morning”, he murmured and sat up.

Otabek chuckled. It was abnormal how much he loved Yuri. “I’ll go pour the tea, okay?”

He had already gotten up and went over to the door, when Yuri called out for him: “Otabek!”

He turned around. Yuri had folded the blanket back and his long legs shone like ivory in the dim light that fell through the shutter. His hair was messy and all around his beautiful face like a disheveled halo and his eyes still heavy with sleep but so incredibly green. He looked like a painting.

“I love your smile”, Yuri said in a very gentle voice. “I just wanted you to know.”

Unsure of what to say Otabek just nodded and walked away with heavy heartbeat.

Half a minute later he found himself staring at his reflection in the chrome surface of his toaster.

It couldn’t be so hard to say it out loud, could it? It was only three words. He had talked more before, although he wasn’t good with words. He didn’t even have to come up with the wording, it was a common phrase.

He heard Yuri go to the bathroom and pushed the worry aside. He’d trust him. After all, he was the one who had a serious problem right now.

“I love you”, he whispered towards his reflection. It looked strange with his grumpy face and messy hair. He hadn’t even showered, because they had planned to go to the gym after breakfast. He didn’t look very romantic. He combed his hair back with tensed up fingers, but didn’t look a lot better than before. Maybe if he tried to smile...? No! That was worse! He looked like a marten that had been run over by a farm tractor a week ago. How did Yuri like it when he did that?

Sighing he relaxed his face again, his eyebrows drawing together, his mouth corners lowering. His jawline was so sharp and his skin had a strange greenish shimmer. The only thing he found okay was the color of his eyes and maybe his lashes that were very black even if a little too long what gave his eyes an odd feminine aspect. Even his nose was a little too pointy.

“And that guy is dating the most beautiful creature living on this planet”, he muttered to himself. “And isn’t even capable of confessing. Lousy performance, Altin. Your mother would spank you if she knew that.” He sighed again, then turned towards the table again, sipping on his tea.

Yuri came in a minute later, sitting down across the table with his hair braided loosely into a pigtail that fell over his left shoulder. “Sorry for keeping you waiting, braiding is pretty hard if you do it with your own hair.” He smiled and focused on the pastry. “Wow, those look beautiful. I’ll take one if you don’t mind.” He didn’t wait for an answer, but that wasn’t necessary either. “So, after breakfast we leave for the gym?”

Otabek nodded and took one of the caramel pastries as well. “That should work even with your knees and ankles. Running would have been too dangerous because it burdens the joints with too much pressure, but a not too heavy workout should be fine.”

“Yeah, I thought so as well”, Yuri agreed and poured milk in his tea, which Otabek noticed with surprise but didn’t comment on.

“How is it now?”, he asked instead. “Do you need any more painkillers?”

“No, it’s fine”, was the answer with a mouthful of flaky pastry. “The ones you gave me are enough, and it has gotten better already.” He gave him a thumb up and reached out to take the spoon from Otabek’s mug to stir his own tea.

The Kazakh nodded. “If you need something let me now.”

Yuri mimicked the motion.

They went to the gym after cleaning up the kitchen together. Otabek had worried a bit, but Yuri really seemed to be fine, reeling off what he explained to be his regular work out routine back in Russia.

The black-haired caught himself watching Yuri whenever a set allowed it. Yuri was really well built, he had stamina and spirit but at the same time maintained the grace that made his performances so beautiful to look at. He wasn’t elegant in a feminine way, not like Victor had been back in the days when he had played with varying gender roles in his skating programs. Yuri didn’t pretend to be something when he moved, that was clear to see. He was just himself, not mimicking patterns, but acting naturally. It was like he was really a natural born fairy. His movements were of such a laid back beauty that Otabek came to the conclusion that his Allegro Appassionato performance could have been even better if it had not needed to be so appassionato.

After some time Yuri came over to Otabek who was just finishing his last set of a workout called standing cable pullovers. “I’m done, how ‘bout you?”

“Me too.”

Yuri smiled and turned to look towards the entrance of the locker rooms. “I’d like to get back home, if you don’t mind. You’re fucking sexy working out. I really want to see if you can exhaust me more than that last set.”

Otabek swallowed hard and nodded. “Let’s go then.”

Once home Otabek went to the bedroom and the Russian excused himself to the toilet. While Yuri was gone he changed the sheets and placed the lube on the nightstand next to the condoms, as well as the smaller yellow box he’d bought earlier. He was nervous, feeling like a teenager. But he had something special planned after all.

When Yuri came back he had combed his hair thoroughly and wore only a baggy long-sleeved shirt with cheetah print, that hung from one shoulder. He stood in the door frame, holding onto the wood with his left hand, while tucking up the hair in his neck showing his white skin. The way he rose his arm lifted the hem of the shirt up dangerously high and Otabek stared wordlessly at how it revealed more and more of the cream-colored skin until there was no doubt that Yuri really _only_ wore that shirt.

“Come here”, he commanded and Otabek did how he was told, not capable of leaving his eyes off Yuri. The blonde leaned with his shoulder against the door frame when Otabek stopped before him. His hair, now messy from how he had lifted it up only to let it fall back into place, shone golden. Wordlessly Yuri shoved Otabek’s shirt up his body, his eyes following the cautious motion. When he had stripped the fabric over Otabek’s head he let it fall on the floor without a second glance. Bringing his hands to the tan skin, he leaned forward and licked his lips.

“You are pretty oblivious of how incredibly hot you are”, Yuri whispered, tracing the pattern of Otabek’s tattoo up his chest. “I was barely able hold back when you did those goddamn sets earlier. I watched you narrowing your brows and clench your jaw and I could only think about how you did that when you fucked me.” He looked up to he Kazakh, his palms sliding downwards to Otabek’s sides. “I wanted you to take me right there, on the pressing bench, where everyone would have seen it. So they all knew that their Hero of Kazakhstan made the Russian Fairy his little slut.” He smiled, then shoved his index and middle fingers under the waistband of both Otabek’s jerseys and boxers and sank down on his knees, pulling the pants down with him in one swift motion.

Otabek’s eyes followed the movement and he gasped when Yuri without hesitating wrapped his lips around his already half hard cock. The blonde Russian let the pants hang from Otabek’s knees and moved his hands upwards again, stroking Otabek’s legs with soft pressure that made him moan. When the started caressing the root with pointy fingers, the Kazakh held onto the door frame with one hand, just in case. He had never expected Yuri to be that straightforward so fast. Yuri was inexperienced – of course he was – but he got Otabek rock hard within seconds, if _although_ he was inexperienced or _because_ of that the black-haired didn’t know.

After some moments he backed away. “To the bed”, he said out of breath and Otabek, getting out of his remaining clothes, followed him there.

Yuri pushed him on the mattress and kissed him passionately. Otabek let the Russian skater dominate him, but at the same time tugged Yuri’s shirt up a bit, just to see that the boy was at least as aroused as he was himself.

Of course Yuri noticed and chuckled into the kiss a little, before backing away and giving him a deep look in the eyes. “Do you want to make me yours?”, he whispered and there was nothing that Otabek wanted more. Well, maybe one single thing.

He reached out for the yellow box on the nightstand, shoving it against Yuri’s chest. Yuri sat up a little, took the box from his hands and eyed it full of curiosity. You could almost hear it clicking, when he rose his eyebrows, looking back at Otabek.

“Today I want you to make me yours”, he answered Yuri’s question and the boy blushed very hard.

“You mean...”, he stuttered, his self-confidence from before gone without a trace. “You want me to… you want _me_ to…”

“Exactly.” He reached out for the lube. “I guessed the size, I didn’t have a chance to ask you about it, but it should fit.”

Yuri stared at the box of condoms again, took the small bottle as well when Otabek held it out to him. “I have no idea”, he confessed. “I’ve never used those before.”

It was adorable how overwhelmed he suddenly seemed to be. Otabek stretched his back and ran his fingers through his black locks, tilting his head a little, very similar to how his boyfriend had acted at the door just now. Yuri stared at him mouth agape and he had to focus not to grin. Yes, he could play that game as well.

“Well here’s your chance to find out”, he murmured.

Yuri hurriedly ripped the box open, taking one of the sachets out of it and throwing the box somewhere on the mattress. He fiddled a little with the packaging, managed to open it eventually and took out the condom.

“The other way round”, Otabek said and Yuri nodded, turned it around and carefully rolled it over his erection.

“Fits well”, he said blushing and Otabek nodded.

“I guessed so. I had it in my mouth already after all.”

Yuri’s cheeks glowed like fire. “I’m sorry, it’s not that big.”

“That’s okay”, he replied. “Actually that’s good for me.” He spread his legs a little, getting nervous, although it wasn’t his first time. It was his first time with Yuri though. He was so excited. “Want to try?”

Yuri took the bottle of lubricant he had placed next to his leg. “Yes.” He opened the bottle, poured some lube on his fingertips and smeared it on his tip, then he poured some on Otabek’s entrance as well, rubbing it in with trembling fingers. It felt awkward, but good at the same time. When he replaced his fingers with the tip of his cock he barely stifled a moan. “Shit, I’m so nervous”, he whispered, pressing against Otabek. He leaned forward, leading his cock with one hand, but backed away with a frustrated sigh after trying some more. “It’s too tight, I can’t get it in”, he said, red as a beet.

“Don’t worry”, Otabek tried to calm him down. “Let me turn around, it is easier that way, okay?”

Yuri nodded and gave him some space to lie on this stomach, his cock pressing against the mattress and his lower abdomen, making him pant because of the tension. The mattress shifted a little when Yuri crawled over him. A second later he felt soft lips on his nape.

“You are so fucking sexy Otabek, are you sure you want to do that? I don’t know if I can ever stop once I started.”

The Kazakh gave him a look over his shoulder. “Who said I want you to ever stop, Yuratchka. Make me yours.”

Yuri moaned and licked his shoulder playfully, then knelt between his legs.

The pressure Otabek felt was indescribable. When Yuri slid inside him, he clenched his eyes shut and bit down on the blanket he laid on. It hurt, but it also felt good. Yuri moaned loudly as he slowly thrust deeper inside him, his hands unwittingly grasping the skin of Otabek’s back. It made the black-haired boy’s body tense up and he groaned in pleasure. Yuri whimpered quietly, then moaned: “Otabek, don’t!” The blonde gasped and thrust deeper inside and then kept his breath while his body spasmed. A moment later he collapsed on Otabek’s back.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered, trying to catch his breath. “I’m sorry, it felt too good, I couldn’t stop it.”

Otabek chuckled. “I’m awesome it seems”, he joked and Yuri laughed as well, the quiver echoing down there as well, making Otabek moan lowly.

“Sorry”, Yuri said again, pulling out. “I’ll take care of that.” He pushed Otabek to lay on his back again and knelt down to suck on him, closing his eyes.

Usually Otabek took some time to get off from blowjobs, but Yuri’s moans, stifled by his cock in the Russian’s mouth, and the tousled hair teasing his crotch and tights and belly and of course that warm, moist, innocent mouth brought him to the edge way too fast.

“Get away”, he gasped when he felt it coming, pressed up on his elbows to try and shove Yuri away so he wouldn’t get it into his mouth, but Yuri wouldn’t let go and then Otabek couldn’t avoid it anymore. With a stretched moan in that weird high-pitched voice he came, watching how Yuri opened his eyes, looked up at him, and swallowed. It almost made him come again to watch the movement of the white throat as Yuri sucked and licked every drop from his twitching cock, swallowing it all.

“Yuri”, he whispered, watched how the blonde let go of him, sat up to comb his messy hair back and licked his lips.

With a light, naughty smile he crawled over Otabek and placed a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Thank you”, he whispered and ran his fingers through Otabek’s hair.

With a shaky inhale Otabek lifted his head up and pressed his lips on Yuri’s. He didn’t like to taste his own cum, but he absolutely needed to kiss Yuri, his life depended on it.

Yuri let it happen and when Otabek’s head fell back on the sheets chuckled. “You know, you could just say that you love me”, he teased, making Otabek blush.

“You got it either way”, he punted and it made Yuri laugh.

“You’re so cute sometimes”, he said and laid down next to Otabek, placing his head on the Kazakh’s chest, who wrapped his arm around him. Stroking his collarbones softly he sighed. “Your voice sounds different when you get off”, he mentioned after a while. Otabek nodded in response. “I like it. I like your normal voice too, but it is nice then as well. You sound younger.”

“Am I too old for you?”, Otabek said grinning, earning a playful hit on the chest.

“Of course not, jerk”, the Russian said, then caressed Otabek’s sternum. “Have you done that before? I mean, been with other guys?”

“Yes, I tried it before.”

The Russian sounded insecure, when he inquired: “How was it?”

It wasn’t hard for Otabek to find an answer to that question: “Not you.”

The tips of Yuri’s ears reddened and he kissed Otabek’s skin, before placing his ear over the Kazakh skater’s heart again. “You’re circumcised”, he said after a while.

“I’m Muslim.” Otabek would have shrugged but he didn’t in order to not make it uncomfortable for Yuri.

“Yeah, I know, I just didn’t connect the dots.” He faltered, then lowly said: “I was a little surprised. I’ve never seen one before. It looks really different.” He fell silent, but only for a moment. “Isn’t it a problem? To be with another guy I mean. Because as far as I know neither the Kazakh authorities nor the Islam is too fond of… of gay people, right?”

“It won’t cause me any trouble as long as we don’t make out with each other in public”, he said, then grinned. “Although there are places for that needs as well. But I for sure won’t walk the most beautiful man on the planet into a Kazakh gay bar. So as long as we don’t rub it in people’s faces it’s okay for me to be with whoever I like.”

“That’s cool”, Yuri said, then added: “Because in Russia I’ll go to jail if someone finds out. I still don’t know how Victor is still running around in freedom after kissing a guy on TV.”

“Well”, Otabek tossed in, “from that angle you couldn’t clearly see that he kissed him. And it would be hard to explain to the rest of the world if you imprisoned the guy who brought his weight in gold medals to Russia because of something like that.”

“You’ve got a point”, Yuri admitted.

“Don’t worry, okay?” He placed a kiss on Yuri’s thick hair. “We’ll just stay here and we’ll be fine and we can do whatever we like.”

“And you don’t have, like, religious concerns about our… our relationship?”

It almost made Otabek laugh, but he held back, because it seemed to bother Yuri a lot. That young man was just too cute. “I am not really religious. In Kazakhstan most people aren’t. I mean, we eat pork here.” Yuri shot him a shocked glance that made Otabek laugh. “What? Shashlik isn’t good without pork!”

“You guys are insane!”, Yuri exclaimed. “You drink alcohol, you have sex with guys and now you even eat pork!” He laughed and cuddled up against Otabek. “That’s so awesome.”

“Well, if they would stop that circumcising bullshit too, that would be really awesome. But apparently my biological parents _were_ religious.”

Yuri’s head jolted around. “Wait, what? Biological parents?”

“Ah, yes”, Otabek hummed. “You don’t know that, I am adopted.” Yuri stared at him wordlessly, so he went on explaining: “That is common here, when a couple loses their child, they adopt one as a substitute. That would be me in that case.” He grinned sheepishly. He had grown up knowing that his parents were not his real parents, but it had never been a problem for him. Not that he could do something about it. “When I was two and a half years old or something my biological father obviously tripped my biological mother down the stairs when he was drunk and got a death sentence for murder. Don’t look so shocked, I was a baby back then, I only heard from my parents. I’m glad that they took me in, although I think I was a really ugly baby. They gave me a new family nevertheless. They are really wonderful parents. I owe them a lot and I couldn’t love them more if we were blood related.” Yuri scrutinized him with deep green eyes but remained silent, so he murmured: “I inherit their name. That makes me very proud.”

Yuri swallowed. “I’d call you cheesy but it’s not even an insult when you say that with your pretty serious face.” He hummed. “Are there any other secrets you want to share? Like, you have a twin or you’re chosen to be the next Dalai Lama or you program software for reconnaissance satellites? Something I should know?”

Otabek laughed quietly. “Maybe… Off season I’m a DJ in my free time. It’s just a hobby though.”

“Seriously, Otabek”, Yuri sighed. “What’s your DJ name, DJ Grumpy?”

“Ludwig Van.”

“Haaa? Ljud… Who?”

“Like in Ludwig van Beethoven.”

The green eyes stared at his black ones for a moment, then Yuri shook his head a little and placed it on his chest again. “You’re such a geek, Otabek.” He placed a kiss on the tan skin. “What the bloody hell, how am I supposed to live up to such a fucking amazing boyfriend?” He sighed and clung to the Kazakh who with a light chuckle ran his fingers through the golden mess.

Outside the wind had started to blow violently again, but nevertheless, if he had the possibility to stop the time forever, this would be the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking LOVE this chapter! Just sayin' XD


	22. On love: Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yakov is so cool!

Outside it was dark and stormy, heavy raindrops hitting the windowpane noisily.

Sitting down on the bed, Otabek let his fingers run over the wrinkled sheets, where Yuri had laid by the time the Kazakh had finished his shower. They had kissed and then Yuri had disappeared to the bathroom to “get rid of that sticky mess” as he had called it gesturing towards his crotch. In the meantime Otabek had gotten into clean clothes. Yuri had confessed that he liked the Kazakh’s scent even after he had not showered coming back from the gym, but he wasn’t sure about how he himself felt about it. On the other hand he liked Yuri’s scent as well, the more intense the better. Didn’t they say that if you liked another person’s scent you amended the mutual gene pool? Not that they could ever reproduce, but it made sense considering the fact how different they were: Yuri being the fragile, light haired, fair eyed, pale beauty, Otabek on the contrary with dark hair, eyes and skin, with almond eyes and slim but more stocky even though he was kind of an Asian type. The cliché met the conditions so perfectly, but he liked the thought of them fitting together even on a biological level.

Smiling a dreamy smile about that he heard the familiar sound of Yuri’s phone vibrating on the desk. Half expecting the name of Yuri’s mother again he glanced at the phone.

It was Yakov.

Otabek struggled half a second with his thoughts, then decided to pick up in Yuri’s place in case it was something urgent.

“It’s Otabek”, he said. “Yuri is showering.”

“Otabek, how is it? I haven’t heard of Yuri for some time besides his social networks where he updates with pictures of food that Lilia better never gets to know of.” He made a strange sound and it took the young man a moment to realize that Yakov was laughing.

“Yes”, he said confused, “everything is alright here. I take good care of Yuri, as I promised. He is better now.”

“That’s good to hear. I always thought that you are a reliable young man, although your footwork could be more expressive.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, the reason I call: I got the confirmation for the competition in Finland and I need to hear from Yuri if he wants to compete. I’d recommend it, but if he doesn’t feel like it, we can’t help it. It’s his decision. If you’d tell him to think about it and call me back as soon as he has made up his mind. You’d do me a great favor, Altin… Otabek.”

“I will let him know”, he answered. Yakov was unexpected calm and caring, a fact that really surprised Otabek. But he was glad that Yuri was in good hands at least when he was at his home rink in St. Petersburg. The thought of the talk with Yuri’s mother still gave him a bad feeling. Which reminded him of that name that she had mentioned towards Yuri… “Do you have a second, Mr. Feltsman?”, he hurriedly said before the Russian coach could hang up.

“What is it?”

“Do you know a person called… what was is again? Sergej Komarov?”

There was silence at the other end of the line and Otabek thought about checking if he had accidentally ended the call with his cheek or something, when Yakov in a very serious, deep voice said: “Let me give you an advice, Altin. Whatever you do, keep away from business with Komarov. Avoid that, whatever it takes. That’s all I can say. Did you understand that?”

Otabek nodded, then realized that that couldn’t be seen through the phone and said: “Yes, Sir.”

“Good. Take care of Yuri.”

“I will, Sir. Good-bye.”

Yakov hung up wordlessly, leaving Otabek in the most discomforting silence. He stared at Yuri’s phone in his hand, listened to the water running in the bathroom. He had a bad feeling, a really, really bad feeling.

He still sat there, when the water stopped running and after one more minute, when Yuri came into the bedroom, his hair dripping, leaving dark spots on the fabric of his dark blue T-Shirt and gray jersey pants. His smile changed into a troubled expression within a split second.

“Are you okay?”

Otabek looked up at him and tried to smile, but he could feel that it was not convincing. “Yakov just called, I thought I’d pick up in case it was important.” He tried to act normal, but it was hard. If Yakov had been so cryptic but at the same time so definitive about this Komarov person, Yuri might be in trouble. It made Otabek feel sick. “He informed me that your confirmation for Helsinki came in as well and wants you to think about the procedure.” There it was again, his stoic machine-like way of talking. He hated when he did that, but his thoughts were running wild and he didn’t want to upset Yuri before he himself knew how to handle his inner turmoil. One of those thoughts stood out before the others though: If he wanted to fulfill his duty and keep his promise to protect Yuri, he needed to know what was going on. And the sooner the better. “He asks you to call him back when you have made up your mind. He also recommends you to compete, but said that he will accept if you decide not to.”

Yuri shook his head. “Of course I will, I don’t know how far I can go, but I won’t just not show up and let you have all the credits with your awesome programs.” He smiled, but it died when Otabek just looked at him with blank expression. “Okay, seriously Otabek, what’s with that face? What the hell is wrong?”

Otabek looked at Yuri’s feet. It was like yesterday; he sitting on the bed, feeling so helpless. But here was his chance to make a move, right?

Looking up at Yuri, he asked: “Who is Sergej Komarov?”

Yuri looked shocked. His eyes darted from Otabek’s face to the phone in his hands, while his complexion became pale as a ghost’s. “Have you seen my mails?”, he breathed, then hissed: “You have checked my mails! What the hell are you thinking?”

Otabek felt that he started trembling. “I haven’t”, he said, trying to maintain a steady voice although he felt not like it at all. “I heard your mother saying that name. I asked Yakov about it.”

Yuri’s eyes widened and his whole body tensed up, his fingers curling into fists. “You told Yakov?!” His voice sounded shrill.

“I just asked him about that person. I did not say that it had anything to do with you. And he was very clear about him. _Very_ clear. _Keep away from Sergej Komarov at all costs_ , that’s what he said.” Yuri stared back at him with so much anger and fear in his green eyes that Otabek felt panic creeping up his back. “What is going on, Yuri?”

The blonde Russian stood there, trembling in anger for a second, then turned away and marched up to his bag. “It’s none of your business”, he hissed. He started rummaging in his bag angrily and with a soft “Yuri, please” Otabek got up with the intention to walk over there and calm Yuri down, so they could talk, but his time Yuri shouted: “It’s none of your fucking business!!”

Otabek froze. He thought that maybe it would be the best to sit back down on the bed and wait until Yuri had calmed down a little and then try again, but then he felt that heat in his insides again: anger.

“It is”, he fought back with strained voice, making Yuri cringe. “I am your boyfriend, it _is_ my fucking business if you get in I don’t know what kind of trouble with a person that even your scary as fuck coach warns me against.” Yuri stood there petrified, back turned towards him, head lowered a little, so Otabek reached out for his shoulder. “I want you to tell me what is going on. And this time I want you to tell me everything, because I am sick of all the secrets, I am sick of it, because I can not protect you if I don’t know the whole truth!”

Yuri’s shoulder started shaking. First Otabek thought that he was crying, but then he realized that it was a chuckle.

“You want the truth?”, he laughed lowly and turned around to face Otabek. His grin was distorted and so creepy Otabek almost didn’t recognize the person before his eyes. He pulled his hand from Yuri’s shoulder in aversion. “Do you think you can handle the truth?” Yuri leaned forward a little, looking up to him with eyes as cold as ice and that terrible grin. “Then you better forget everything you ever thought you knew about me, Hero of Kazakhstan, because it was all lies.” He chuckled and Otabek made a step backwards, then another one.

He had never been scared of anything, but now he was. He was scared of Yuri. He wasn’t even sure that person was Yuri at all. It felt like it was another person puppeteering the blonde’s body, or like a distorting mirror image of the young man he loved. A perversion. “That is not true”, he finally managed to say, his voice betraying him so that it came out as a whisper.

“You don’t believe me?”, Yuri grinned. “Not even now?” He laughed high pitched, almost hysterically, then reached for something in his bag. “Then maybe you’ll believe this?” He took a pill box out of the bag and threw it on the ground before Otabek’s feet. Ephedrine. “Or this?” He threw another box. Oxytocine. And then one after the other. Painkillers, Clenbuterole, Vasopressine, the nasal spray, then Enanthate. “What, can you not even believe it when I throw it at your feet?” Yuri’s voice had gotten louder, the grin vanished. Instead his face bubbled with wrath, when he started shouting again. “It’s all a lie, you moron! Yuri Plisetsky is a lie! He has always been! A fictional construct, a puppet, created to win medals, drugged to the eyeballs with everything you can and cannot use to dope in figure skating. A machine, made for success and not all that Disney-princess- _‘love and_ _devotion_ _can rule the world’_ -bullshit. Open your eyes, fool! The Russian Fairy doesn’t exist! I lied at your face, like I lied at everybody else! And you really believed me, asshole!” He flipped his dripping wet hair back in a dramatic gesture that Otabek knew was meant as a performance but that didn’t fail to have the desired effect, emphasizing Yuri’s well-planned beauty. “Maybe you get it now: I tricked you. I tricked everyone, but especially you. I created the perfect image of the innocent, broken fairy, struggling with his oh-so-hard life, suffering under his adolescence, and you fell for the act, you took me in, you cared for me, you fucking loved me and didn’t even notice it was all just for show. That I used you for comfort all the fucking time, that I bled you out like a tick, like a parasite, sucking your love and your devotion and your gentle eyes, filling that chasm I created with lies, wrapped in sweet gestures, words, even kisses. As if I could ever love! I knew what I was doing, I have calculated everything from the moment I got on that goddamn plane in Russia, because I knew how to make my brave hero fall for my lies, so I could use him – use you! - as my little unsuspecting toy.” He laughed loudly, spreading his arms. “And now look closely. Look at me! This is what I really am! This is what you thought you loved! You fell for a phantasm, they all did! A delusion! Nothing but foul lies! An abomination, that’s what I am. A monster!!”

“And still I love you!”, Otabek shouted.

“No, you don’t!” Yuri sounded hysteric now and Otabek feared that Yuri would punch him, but it didn’t happen. Instead Yuri kept yelling:“You loved someone who doesn’t exist, who never existed in the first place! You just walked into that trap, you idiot, and you still won’t realize it, after all I told you! This is the reality! There was never truth in what I did or said. I fucking played with you! I played with your love and I enjoyed it! You say you love me? Even now, that you know what kind of monster I am? How stupid can a person be?!” He laughed and then the tears started to flow. “How stupid are you?” His voice broke halfway through the sentence.

Otabek reached out for him.

“Don’t touch me, asshole!”, Yuri sobbed and tried to push him away, but Otabek didn’t let him. He wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy and pulled him close, felt as Yuri gave up resisting and crocked into a skinny, trembling mess, sinking down on his knees and Otabek pushed the cardboard boxes away and knelt down close to him, holding him tight.

“Maybe you are right”, he murmured into the blonde hair. “Maybe I _am_ stupid. But there’s nothing I can do about it, nor can anyone else. I love you.”

Yuri whined, finally clinging onto Otabek’s shirt. “Please don’t”, he whispered between sobs. “Send me away. You’ll find someone else. Someone who deserves you.” He cried out loud and pressed his face into Otabek’s chest.

“I can’t”, the Kazakh replied. “There is no one else and there will never be. I love you more than I can say or you could ever understand.” He stroked Yuri’s hair and back gently. “Please, don’t reject me.”

As an answer Yuri sobbed and tugged on his shirt like he wanted to pull him closer but there was no way that could happen. His sobs sounded painful, but Otabek didn’t know what to do, nor what to say, so he just sat there, not even daring to think about what he had just heard or what of the things Yuri had told him were true after all.

The storm had gotten worse outside. The wind made the windowpane clatter and it perfectly suited the mood in the small, dark bedroom, only lit up by the dim bedside lamp.

“Get up”, Otabek said after some minutes. His legs started hurting from the uncomfortable position and he tried to get on his feet, but Yuri clung so hard on him he had an idea that the Russian was in no condition to move, so that he freed himself from the trembling fingers and got up. Yuri collapsed like he contained no strength at all. Otabek grabbed him under his armpits, pulling him up and at last lifting the boy up, moving his left arm under the back of his his knees. It reminded him of that time when they had ridden the ferris wheel, so long ago, it felt like years. But it wasn’t. It hadn’t even been a week and Otabek needed to remind himself, that this was still the same boy, still the same little Yuratchka who had kissed his cheek back then, the same Yuratchka who had danced around the table with onion skin in his hair, Yuratchka who had pointed out that he liked tan skin and black hair and a sweet smile. It could not have been lies, not _all_ of it!

“Don’t”, a hoarse voice could be heard, but Otabek didn’t listen, not this time.

He carried Yuri to the couch, set the boy down who curled into a shivering, sobbing ball, then wrapped the blanket around him. He looked down on him, but the boy didn’t move, so he went over to the record player, pressing the switch. He plucked a record out of his collection on the shelf, let the vinyl slide out of the sleeve, placed it on the turntable and put the needle down.

The droning sound of the cello filled the room, slowly, but picking up speed soon. The strings joined in almost whiningly, the wind instruments only tagging along, leaving the lead to the heavy but expressive cello. The arrangement was different from the original composition, gentle but not less powerful.

“Don’t”, Yuri said again, but Otabek wouldn’t stop, not even when Yuri’s body convulsed, his sobs becoming painful ones again. He circled the couch and knelt down in front of Yuri, who had his head on his knees, his fingers clenched into his wet hair.

“Listen”, he said. His hands reached out for Yuri’s, pulling them away from the boy’s head, then, more rigorously repeated: “Yuri, listen.”

The blonde looked up, his eyes red rimmed and glittering with tears, his face flushed pink, his hair a mess, his lips trembling. Doubting his sanity Otabek still found him incredibly beautiful.

“Do you recognize it?”, he asked.

After a moment Yuri nodded. “Your free skate”, he whispered, tears rolling from his wet lashes.

“It’s called Battle On The Ice.”

Yuri’s eyes widened.

Knowingly nodding Otabek held Yuri’s hands in his. “I will never give up on you. Never.”

Yuri cried out loud, almost a howl. “Let me go!”

“I can’t.” If he did, he’d lose everything.

“Please Otabek!”, Yuri cried. “Send me away! Be mad at me, by God, hate me, please! I lied! I lied at you, I used you! Why don’t you hate me?!”

Sighing, the Kazakh shook his head. “I can’t.”

“But I lied!”

“I know!”, he snapped at Yuri. “For fuck’s sake, I know, you lied! At me, of all people in the world! You lied at me who’d do anything for you, and I ensure you it hurts a lot, it hurts as if you’d stabbed me in my goddamn heart, but I will not let it get to you, because I promised to save you!” He noticed he was yelling at Yuri, but he couldn’t stop himself. “And by the way I don’t believe a word you say. Yes, maybe you do have an eating disorder, and maybe you do dope, but you know what, I’ve seen it, I’ve seen the pills, I had no idea what it was about and still I trusted you, all the fucking time, and I still do, because I’ve held you in my arms crying a thousand times now and those tears were not made up. Those kisses were not made up either, nor were your moans. I will not accept if you say that all that was a lie, Yuri. Because I fought for this my entire fucking life. I went out there for you, I fought that battle on the ice only for you. I always did and I always will. And therefore I recognize the battle you are fighting, right here, right now, and if one thing is true, then it is that you cannot fake that.” He fell silent, breathing hard. Yuri stared at him. He felt his jaws clenching, hot tears dwelling in his eyes. He swallowed them. “I will not let you give in now. And I will stand beside you. Even if it costs me everything. I will keep this promise, _no matter what_.” He grabbed Yuri by the shoulders. “You are mine. And I will never lose you. Did I make myself clear?”

Yuri nodded frantically.

Otabek got up and sat next to Yuri, pulling the boy close, burying his face in the golden hair. “You are mine”, he whispered. “Never ever forget that again. I’m there for you, always. I will fight for you. Maybe you are right about what you said earlier. Maybe you _are_ a monster. But you are _my_ monster and I love you with every breath and every beat of my miserable aching heart and I’ll never stop.”

Yuri sobbed against his shoulder but then, finally, he placed his trembling hands on Otabek’s spine. “Please”, he whined, “please, never stop.”

Closing his eyes, Otabek inhaled Yuri’s scent through the moist golden hair. He wouldn’t be able to, even if he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it, now you know, now Otabek knows. It took me months to be finally able to write that part. I hope you liked it, and I hope you are shocked at the same time, because this is a very important part for me as the author and I put a lot of emotion into this chapter. It was really tough to hurt Yuri so much, but tbh I only started writing the entire story for this one scene. Please don't hate me! orz  
> Writing Otabek so upset was a lot of fun as well!  
> And just so you know, I loved Prokofiev before I knew Denis Ten skated on Romeo and Juliet, I'm glad that he did tho, because it's superb!  
> Next chapter will be up on sunday.   
> Thank you all for your support, you are awesome and I will continue to give my best!


	23. On love: The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for your support guys, you keep me alive (and writing the part where some more characters show up ;-* )  
> Here comes the truth.

 

 

 

“Will you talk to me now?”

Yuri sobbed, shaking his head.

It made Otabek sigh quietly. He had offered Yuri to hold him tight, give him time until he felt like he could talk. Once in a while he would ask if now Yuri was ready to talk, but every time the blonde shook his head, crying voicelessly after he had whined for what had felt like hours. By now Otabek was pretty convinced that it had indeed been hours, but he’d decided to be patient once more. Yuri had collapsed in his arms, not only that, he was shattered, Otabek’s shirt moist from the boy’s silent tears.

In the background the vinyl kept spinning, the tone arm hanging idly next to the platter, but the amp still produced a low humming sound, barely audible. It helped Otabek relaxing, calming his thoughts, while his fingers still stroked Yuri’s now dried hair.

“Then let me talk”, he murmured after some more minutes. The body in his arms tensed up but Yuri didn’t stop him, so after a deep inhale he said: “When Aslan asked me about my theme for this season I didn’t have to think about it twice. I had thought about this ever since I met you. The only thing I could think about was how I could express myself in those two programs, altogether seven minutes and twelve seconds. Maybe I retire after this year’s competitions, maybe this is my last chance to tell my story. So I can not hesitate. I decided on those two pieces of music: The “Battle ~ Consternation” theme and “Battle On The Ice”. The choreography came to life by itself. Aslan and me went to see a girl from the fashion design school and worked out my costumes together. I knew that you’d not be there for the Four Continents to see it, so I wanted to have the option to have my costumes slightly altered. They will look different in Helsinki although it’s basically the same costumes.” Carefully he sat back and pressed Yuri to sit upright. The messy blonde hair hid Yuri’s face, but from his breathing Otabek could tell that he had stopped crying while listening. “I would like it if you’d watch me there. I wonder if you can guess what my theme is.”

Yuri looked at him through thick golden strands. “It’s Battle”, he said. His voice sounded like his throat was bleeding sore.

Smiling Otabek tilted his head. “That would be a little too easy, don’t you think so as well?” He pushed Yuri’s hair back to look him in the eyes. “No, Yuri, there’s more to it. You have to see the whole show, with light and costumes, siting in the right spot to fully understand it. There will be exactly one place in the arena where my theme can take it’s full effect and I want you to be in that place.”

The powerless look from the usually so piercing, rigid eyes dropped to Otabek’s knees. “I wish I was as strong as you.”

“You are”, Otabek replied. “I learned from you what strength is after all.”

A bitter chuckle made the lean blonde shake. “Maybe back then I was”, he mumbled with strained voice. “But I’m not that Yuri anymore. I’m their puppet now. They broke me. And then they rearranged me in the way I was most useful to them.”

“We will find a way, together, I promise”, Otabek said, trying hard to believe his own words. It wasn’t like he had an option not to get Yuri out of that mess. “I’m here with you, we will think of something, okay?”

Yuri looked up with despair darkening his eyes. “I appreciate the thought, but this is too big for you, Otabek. This is too big for the both of us. This is against Mother Russia, and believe me, the term is accurate because she’s at least as greedy as Yuliya.” He took the Kazakh’s hands. The ring on his finger shone dimly in the light of the living room’s lamp. “I’m at their mercy. They rose me to where I am today. But they can and will make me fall.”

“The child learns to walk by falling down”, Otabek replied. “That’s a Kazakh saying. And I am here to catch you when you fall. I will help you on your feet again.”

Yuri bit his lower lip. “I might lose everything. If they consider me worth the effort.” He sighed. “It’s huge. It’s not like they cherry-pick athletes and give them a helping hand here and there. Everyone does it. At least that’s what Mister Komarov says, and he should know because he’s from the ministry.

He met me on my way home, last year in spring shortly after I had come home from Hassetsu. I was angry, devastated because I had lost against the pig, so I was grateful for any ideas on how to improve my skating even without Victor’s help. Of course I found the guy suspicious, but he had everything planned out already and we went to a restaurant and he explained it to me. How I could improve my stamina, my concentration. That it would help if I controlled my weight. How I could avoid growing too much, because it would affect my performance soon. He had thought of everything and it was convincing. He said that although no one talks about it everyone does it, not only in Russia, but world wide, so it was no real advantage, because I’d only catch up to everyone else. He said he didn’t want to see my potential go to waste and that was my greatest fear after all, so I decided to give him a chance.

It’s actually really easy to order whatever pills and stuff you want in Russia. You just call that number, tell them what you want and an hour later they deliver it like a goddamn pizza. Pay at the door, goodbye, that’s it. And it did help. The growth spurt is normal, the hormones speed up puberty, so it is intense but it’s over fast as well. The rest is normal medicine, some with and some without prescription, the decongestant for example contains a beta-2-sympathomimetic that helps with muscle development and Ephedrine, the remedy, lightens the mood and helps to focus for a short time. Vasopressine is a nasal spray that increases alertness and motivation as well as arousal. That didn’t help me skating Agape actually.” He chuckled and looked up to Otabek. “There’s so much more, you don’t need to know all that in detail. The thing is, it worked. The longer I experimented with different substances under the guidance of Mister Komarov the better I got. It helped me a lot and in the end I got the gold medal. But deep down it felt so wrong. It hurt to realize how I had cheated it from Katsuki. Because whatever Komarov told me about how everyone dopes, I know for sure that Yuuri Katsuki doesn’t. As well as I know that you don’t. Or Victor. Maybe in the end, it’s only Yuri Plisetsky who’s ever done it. And I hate myself for how much of a cheater I am. But it didn’t matter anymore at that point.

Even after I had that filthy gold medal, I decided that I couldn’t stop. It had worked so well and still I had beaten Katsuki by nothing more than 0.12 points. If I’d stop he’d wipe the floor with me. People would become suspicious. They’d question me: fellow skaters, press and media, the anti-doping agency. They’d find out eventually, and I’d be nothing but a joke, not even good enough to win a medal with his own strength. It’d break Grampa’s heart and it’d ruin my life. And I couldn’t let that happen. Not that Komarov let me. He knows how this works and I trusted him because he had made me win one medal and he could make me win – no, earn! - a second one, this time against Victor who has left me behind. And then a third one. A fourth. More. Until I am so superior that no one can ever reach me. I can become that legend. And then I can leave all that behind. I will-”

“Stop it.”

Yuri fell silent.

“You need to stop it.”

A short nod made the blonde hair seesaw. “I know. And I really want to. But can I? I don’t know. He’ll ask questions. He’ll try to convince me. I have nothing to counter with, nothing that will satisfy him. As I said, this is against Russia. They can destroy me. I know and they know that I know and they’ll use that to suppress me. Who am I after all, what am I? I’m little Yuri Plisetsky, the noisy, broken semi-orphan with no family, no friends, no influence, full of hatred, full of doubt. I’m a mere nobody. How can I stand up against the Russian Federation? They’ll laugh at me and send me away to go wangle some gold medals for them. And that’s the best case scenario.”

“But it’s not true”, Otabek objected frowning, holding Yuri’s hands tightly. “You are not a nobody. You are Yuri Plisetsky, figure skating Grand Prix Winner, son of Pjotr Plisetsky, grandson of Nikolai Plisetsky, protégée of the great Yakov Feltsman and the legendary Lilia Baranovskaya, rink mate and friend of record keeper Victor Nikiforov and his fiancée Yuuri Katsuki who made a great comeback from last place 2015 to silver medal 2016. You are a lot of things but ‘nobody’ is none of them.”

The silence banked up over the living room as if the twilight muted even the sounds of storm and rain outside. “You’re right”, Yuri whispered after a moment, a spark of hope in his tourmaline eyes.

“You are so much more than just the noisy broken semi-orphan, Yuri”, the black-haired reaffirmed with low voice, entwining his fingers with Yuri’s in the boy’s lap. “You are a soldier, don’t you forget that. And I am as well. We will find a way to get you out of there. We’ll make it happen.”

“But how?”, Yuri inquired, the spark in his eyes lighting the flame deep inside him.

“I don’t know. I have no idea how it all works. If we knew someone who knows about the system, someone you trust, someone like...”

Yuri shook his head, apparently having the same thought. “Not Victor!”

“But why not?”

Yuri hunched his shoulders. “I’ll never be able look him or his Yuuri in the eye again!”

“Can you now…?”

The Russian fairy swallowed, looking down on their entwined fingers. “I’m ashamed”, he confessed.

Placing a finger under Yuri’s trembling chin – he looked like he was about to burst into tears again – Otabek lifted the boy’s face. His fingers brushed the thick strands of hair aside. It shimmered mesmerizing in the twilight, like frozen gold. “He’s your friend, Yuri”, he whispered, combing through the silky hair with tan fingers. “He won’t judge you, he’ll try and help you, without thinking twice about it. Just like I do. Give us a chance.”

“But-” Yuri looked at him with trembling lower lip. A single tear rolled over his lashes and fell on Otabek’s hand.

Inhaling shakily Otabek pulled Yuri in a tight embrace. “I want to keep my promise, Yuri. If you can not do it for yourself, then do it for the people who love you. Do it for me. For your fans who support you so passionately. For Yakov and Lilia, and for Mila. For Victor, who gave his short program to you. For your grandfather.” He felt fragile hands on his shoulder blades. “He’d be so proud of you, Yuratchka. You have grown so much, you have become so strong. He raised you to become a fine young man and if he could see how you stand up for yourself, he’d be honored that you are a Plisetsky.”

Yuri’s breath was warm and sweet on the skin of his neck when the blonde replied:

“You are right.” He sat up straight, placed his hands on Otabek’s collarbones. Tears still fell from his eyes, but they were not dark and clouded anymore. It was those eyes that gave the Kazakh goosebumps, that had haunted his dreams – asleep and awake – for more than five years now. Fair, piercing. He wiped the tears from his eyes and swallowed hard. “I know this is a lot to ask from you, Otabek”, he said lowly but with steady voice. “But can you please… stay with me? I don’t know if I can do that by myself. I’m so scared. But if you’d… hold my hand… if I feel your eyes on me, I think I can do this.” He leaned in a little as if he wanted to kiss Otabek, but stopped in the middle, adding: “I want to do it. For Grampa. Because he’ll aways be in my heart. And for you. Because I… you mean a lot to me. What I said before, that wasn’t true. I don’t even know why I said all that: that I only played with you, that I used you, that I only pretended… That is not the truth. I just wanted to hurt you, to- I don’t even know why, to feel powerful maybe? Of course it didn’t work, because I couldn’t believe myself and of course you couldn’t either. You’ve known how I feel for some time now I guess: I really do like you. I… I need you, Otabek. So please… Catch me if I fall.” He sighed and moved forward, pressing his lips on Otabek’s.

The black-haired closed his eyes. His heartbeat was so loud he was sure Yuri could hear it as well. He pulled Yuri close, kissed the boy back and it felt so meaningful and in this very moment he silently swore an oath to himself: he’d hold Yuri’s hand forever. He’d look after him until the world came to an end. He’d not only catch him if he fell; he’d hold him, now, always, until the end of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today on the train I saw someone who looked a lot like Otabek, tan, awkward eyebrows, undercut, sunglasses, his fashion sense (or the one I imagine) and a book from some university library (the stamp on it said so) and I stared at him till he got off again. I love Otabek so much, it makes me act super weird, but I'm happy while doing it. I hope he went to see his diminutive angsty boyfriend!


	24. On love: Blur 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, from chapter 23 on this ff isn't proof-read, because my beta reader is not very reliable it seems. If you notice any mistakes pease let me know so I can correct them. orz

 

 

“I can’t.”

With a sigh Otabek put down his fork. The sound made Yuri look up to him apologetically.

“I’m sorry, Otabek. I know you want me to gain weight but it’s scary to think that I can’t get that out afterwards again.”

The words made something inside the Kazakh hurt. “You sad it’s not psychological”, he reminded Yuri but the boy shrugged.

“It’s not, but still, it’s strange to think that I’ll keep that inside.” He stared at the rice. “Will I ever be able to land a quad if I gain so much weight? Will you still touch me? What if Katsudon will call me a fat pig?”

“That will not happen!”, Otabek said, more fiercely than planned. “Don’t even think about stuff like that, Yuri. You just will become normal again.”

“So, you think I’m not normal?”, Yuri hissed, but Otabek just frowned. With a sigh Yuri’s tensed shoulders relaxed again. “You’re right, I know. I _am_ not normal right now. Neither mentally, nor physically.” He sighed again and started eating slowly.

Otabek watched him for some moments and continued his meal as well. He had dug up his cook book and it had been fun to prepare the meal together. Yuri had mentioned several times how impressed he was with Otabek’s cooking skills although the Kazakh himself didn’t consider it very special. He just followed the instructions in the book after all. But still, the time they had spent together in the kitchen had calmed Yuri down a lot. He had been almost cheerful and Otabek was very happy about that. As soon as the had sat down to eventually consume the meal though Yuri had shown a troubled expression. He ate a little, then hesitated.

“I wasn’t honest with you”, he said low voiced, staring at the rice. “I threw up last night.”

To hear that was a shock to Otabek, but he tried not to let it show. He continued eating, although it was hard not to stare at Yuri. He felt that he shouldn’t treat the blonde like a freak.

“I waited ‘till I was sure you were fast asleep and went to the bathroom. I feel horrible about that. It’s just so weird to give it up just like that. It’s true that I did that only for practical reasons, because I can not jump high enough if I’m too heavy. I didn’t, like, have the urge to become as skinny as possible or something. It’s just...” He sighed. “I don’t know, I just want to stay in… some kind of shape.” He bit his lower lip, looking up to Otabek who caught himself giving Yuri a concerned look now.

“You are too skinny”, he said, his brows narrowing. “It is not horrible but it is salient. It is one of the first things I noticed when you arrived.” Yuri hunched his shoulders and stared at the edge of his plate in a way that told Otabek that he wasn’t too happy to hear that, but he went on: “It’s more obvious when you are naked. Of course.” A blush showed up on Yuri’s cheeks. “I still find you absolutely gorgeous. You are so indescribably beautiful that I can not believe my eyes and hands and lips when I am close to you. But still.” He made a pause that had Yuri looking up to him again. “I adore you to an extent that can not be diminished if you gain weight. And there’s no doubt that you will land your quads once you get used to the differing factors.” Yuri nodded a little, but Otabek wasn’t finished yet: “And about that last thing...” He smiled. “Yuuri is the last person in the world to make fun of peoples’ physique and you know that, don’t you?”

Again Yuri nodded.

“But most importantly…” He reached out for Yuri’s hand and the Russian understood the motion and placed his slim fingers in Otabek’s tan hand. The Kazakh let his thumb running over the white gold on Yuri’s right ring finger. “I will not judge you. I want to try and help you. You can trust me. So if you feel like you need to get the food out I will encourage you to not do it but I will not condemn you, nor will I put pressure on you. But if you decide to keep it in, if you feel like you can face that, I am there to support you.”

Yuri bent forward and leaned his forehead against Otabek’s fingers still holding onto his, then pressed a kiss on the knuckles. “How are you so wonderful?”, he whispered. “I don’t deserve you one bit, but I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He looked up again, tears shimmering in his eyes. “You are… so...” A sigh made his body shiver. “There isn’t even a word.” He chuckled and Otabek was glad to hear that sound, so he smiled. Yuri lifted his hand to his lips and kissed Otabek’s fingertips one after the other. Then he wiped the tears from his golden lashes and let go of Otabek to continue eating.

They cleaned up the kitchen together. Yuri seemed to be nervous, but Otabek now at least knew why. He had no experiences with eating disorders or something like that or with any kind of quirks (Yuri had insisted that it was only a habit, not an illness and Otabek decided to go with that until Yuri gave him a reason to suspect otherwise), well, at least apart from how his mother maniacally brushed the breadcrumbs from the table every thirty seconds when they had breakfast, because she obviously hated the feeling of crumbs under her palms and wrists.

Once in a while Yuri inhaled like he wanted to say something but changed his mind in the last second and exhaled audible. Otabek wondered if he should ask him about that, but decided against it. After all it was probably the best idea to wait until Yuri had decided to tell him whatever it was that made him struggle so much. He’d trust him.

They had sat on the sofa (more like, Otabek sitting, Yuri sprawled over him, a chaotic arrangement of cream-white skin and warm breathing), Otabek with his textbook explaining to the blonde what the challenges of vegan agriculture would be if mankind would come to try that, when Yuri’s brows narrowed. The Kazakh fell silent and looked at him expectantly.

“I think...”, Yuri murmured and swallowed hard, “I think I’ll call Victor.”

With a nod Otabek closed the book and placed it next to him on the couch.

“I’m scared.” Closing his eyes, Yuri sighed shakily.

Running his fingers over the boy’s cheek, Otabek smiled. “I’m here with you.”

The Russian Fairy sat up and reached out for his cellphone. When he had flipped through his contact list and stopped at Victor’s entry, Otabek took Yuri’s hand, holding it firmly. Yuri touched the green speaker symbol.

It was early afternoon in Almaty so it was evening in Japan, but at that time Victor and Yuuri certainly didn’t sleep yet. The phone rang three and a half times, then Victor picked up.

“Yurio!”, he sang from the other end of the line, loud enough for even the Kazakh to hear. “It’s been some time! Yuuri, come over here it’s Yurio calling, come say hello!” The older Russian sounded like he had drunk one sake or another, but then again he always was cheerful, so Otabek couldn’t say for sure.

“How have you been? I didn’t have the chance to congratulate for your birthday in person. I heard you spent it with Otabek, are you still at his place? Must be nice there if you leave your grandpa by himself for so long.” He chuckled. The way he so obliviously assumed that everything was still fine made Otabek’s insides ache. He had looked at Yuri carefully since the call had begun and therefore immediately noticed the painful expression on the blonde’s face and the tears shimmering in his eyes.

“Victor”, he tried to stop his senior. It worked and there was sudden silence on the other end of the line, caused by either the fact that Yuri had called out for Victor but much more likely by how hoarse his voice sounded when doing so.

“Yuri”, Victor breathed, concern all over this one word. “Yuri, are you crying?”

The blonde clenched his fingers in Otabek’s hand. “I need to tell you something”, he whispered, but fell silent. Tears dribbled from his lashes. He was so beautiful when he cried, but Otabek wished he had never known.

“What’s wrong?” By now Victor’s voice sounded caring, gentle. “Yuri, has something happened? Talk to me, please.”

Yuri sobbed. “Victor, I… I...” He fell silent again, then ripped his phone from his ears like it hurt on his skin and shoved it towards Otabek. The Kazakh took it, Victor’s “Yuri, what’s wrong?” coming from the speaker but the blonde curled into a ball and hid his face in Otabek’s shoulder, crying silently. Otabek wrapped an arm around him to comfort Yuri, then brought the phone to his ear.

Victor had panicked by now.

“Victor, it’s Otabek”, he greeted, the silver-haired Russian adjusting quickly.

“Otabek, is Yuri okay? What’s wrong, he sounded like he’s crying, is he alright?”

Otabek frowned. “He is with me”, he explained. “In Almaty. He has been with me since we last spoke.”

“Is he alright!?”

A sigh escaped his lips. “Kind of.” It sounded too vague. “Well he’s not in some kind of immediate danger or something.” That made it sound even worse, so he went on. “Don’t worry, he’s safe with me. It is just that a lot has happened lately and he wanted your advice on some things, but...” He fell silent, looking down on Yuri who clung to his chest.

“I know, he gets overwhelmed by his feelings easily”, Victor said with a voice so soft and low and caring that it made Otabek feel warm inside. So he wasn’t the only one who knew Yuri like that. It was relieving. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”, Victor then added.

It wasn’t easy to answer that question. On one hand Otabek felt that they needed Victor’s help in that and needed it desperately, so he needed to know, but on the other hand he wasn’t the person to lay everything out before Victor, it was too personal, too intimate and he wouldn’t dare doing so if Yuri didn’t specifically ask him for it.

“I don’t know”, he confessed but didn’t even have the chance to explain himself when Victor very suddenly said:

“No problem, I’ll take the first flight tomorrow. Send me your address. I’ll bring Yuuri if it’s okay.”

“O-okay”, Otabek stuttered.

It made Victor chuckle lowly. “Did I just make the stoic Kazakh stumble? I’ll mark that in my calendar in bright red.” He laughed, then after a moment said: “I’ll text you as soon as I know at what time we arrive. Take care of Yuratchka until then, will you?”

Otabek nodded, then said: “Leave it to me.”

They hung up and Otabek stared at Yuri’s screen for a moment. It seemed that he had just experienced the older Russian’s proclivity to unexpectedly hop on an airplane and fly across half a continent for a Yu(u)ri. The guy was insane, Otabek had known that before, but he was so thankful for it right now. He shook his head a little, then put the phone down and pulled Yuri in a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry”, the blonde Russian said. “I got scared.”

“It’s okay”, Otabek whispered and placed a kiss on Yuri’s head.

“I’m ludicrous.”

“You’re not, don’t say that.” Otabek pulled Yuri on his lap, what caused a surprised yelp from the blonde. He looked at Otabek with wet, blushing cheeks. He was so tall. “Kiss me”, the Kazakh said and ran the fingers of his right hand through Yuri’s hair, but the boy shook his head.

“I’m crying”, he objected. “I’ve been crying all day, I look like stale bread soaked in Tyurya soup for two days. Why would you kiss something that ugly?”

“Because you’re not”, Otabek said and leaned in to touch Yuri’s lips with his own. “You’re beautiful, even now, and I love you, and I love you.”

The blush on Yuri’s cheeks only got darker. “You said that last part twice.”

With only the slightest smile Otabek nibbled on Yuri’s lips. “I know.”


	25. On love: Blur 2

 

 

It was very much like Yuri to yell when he had found out that Victor was on his way to Almaty. When Otabek had picked up his phone to send the older Russian his address, Yuri had asked why he did that. Otabek had explained how the five-times champion had just decided to book a flight and after a moment of shocked silence Yuri had been so openly visible overcome by realization that it had made Otabek laugh out loud. Yuri hadn’t considered it funny though and he had cursed first Victor and his family, then Otabek and his family (only to take the last part back because he had never met them but was convinced that it wasn’t their fault that their adopted son had turned out to be an asshole), then had stomped his feet like a four-year-old, cried, and at last wrestled down Otabek on the couch in a violent, desperate embrace. Otabek had disheveled Yuri’s wonderful hair, listening to the boy repeating that he was scared and embarrassed and sorry about insulting him, only to go back to cursing Victor and his ancestors, reducing the grudge to that limited circle of people because Victor would most likely never have descendants. When Otabek had enlightened him with the news that Victor planned on bringing his Yuuri, the Russian Fairy screamed very un-fairylike into the padding of Otabek’s sofa. Otabek had caressed the spine of the boy lying on top of him until Yuri stopped crying and after a while fell asleep. Only a long time later he had woken his boyfriend up and half-carried him to the bed, where the blonde dropped off within a split second.

The last time Otabek had had a nightmare was when he was a child, back then when they had moved to his father’s parents’ house after grandmother Altin had died. The house had been spacious and old, strange sounds everywhere at night, the wind whispering what had appeared to be threats to little Otabek. He had been frightened, not used to sleeping in the huge room they had furnished to become a children’s bedroom but that had remained very dark, the shadows looking down on the boy with gloomy eyes. He couldn’t even remember, but his father didn’t miss a chance of telling everyone who did or did not want to hear the story of the seven-year-old waking up from nightmares, shouting at the shadow creatures instead of crying like a normal boy would. “He’s always been different than other boys his age,”, he used to say with a little pride in his voice, “he’s always been very heroic.” Otabek didn’t remember clearly how he was said to be standing in the middle of his room, screaming that he wasn’t afraid at all until his parents came to calm him down. Every time the story was told he earned appreciatory or amused looks from the people listening, but the mere fact that he still had been scared of his nightmares at the age of seven embarrassed him a little.

So, at the age of nineteen, he had his first nightmare in more than a decade. He didn’t realize at first that it was a nightmare at all. He stood at the door to his bedroom, at night, but there was light, orange and bickering like the house was on fire. He knew for sure he needed to run, he didn’t even know from what, he only knew it wasn’t a fire, but something way worse. Like someone or some _thing_ , it was close and getting closer every second. He looked into the bedroom, Yuri sat on the floor, his back turned towards Otabek. The Kazakh tried to enter the room, but something blocked his way, like a wall made of crystal clear glass, invisible but insuperable. He called out for Yuri, but the blonde didn’t seem to hear him although he was only a few steps away. Otabek looked down the hallway, but it wasn’t his flat anymore, it looked more like the hallway in a rink that connected the ice rink to the locker rooms, but a very dark, creepy version. He tried to call for Yuri again while looking down the corridor. Whatever was coming was coming from the rink and it scared the shit out of Otabek. He turned to Yuri again, who was busy doing something Otabek couldn’t see, but his hands moving restlessly. “Yuri”, he called, but his voice didn’t reach the Russian skater, so he tried again, louder, again, again. They ran out of time, he knew he had to run, now, fast, but he couldn’t leave Yuri behind! Why didn’t Yuri hear him? He called his name, again, again, and then suddenly Yuri responded, a low “Otabek”, distant, but urgently, like he needed him by his side, like he was calling out for help. “Otabek!” The black-haired reached out for him, called his name, but Yuri just didn’t turn around to look at him, to see the danger coming. They still had a chance, if Yuri would only turn around to see, so he called his name again: “Yuri!”

“Otabek!”

He startled, eyes wide, heart beating fast. Yuri was there, bent over him, his hand on Otabek’s shoulder, his hair messy.

“You awake now?”

After a moment of confusion Otabek recognized the ceiling, the window of his bedroom, the surface feel of his sheets. He looked at Yuri and nodded, unable to speak. The terrible feeling was still trapped in his chest.

“Did you have a nightmare?”, Yuri asked, his eyes full of worry. He didn’t even wait for Otabek to answer, but added: “You’re crying.”

Otabek rose his hands to his cheeks only to find them wet with tears. He inhaled shakily, found he couldn’t speak and exhaled again. It sounded like a sob; maybe it was one. The nightmare still felt too real.

“Sssh, it’s alright”, Yuri whispered and laid down, wrapping his arms around Otabek’s head, stroking the black hair with right hand while holding him close with the left one. “It’s over now”, Yuri murmured. “It’s alright, I’m here, I’ll hold you.”

Otabek nestled up to the blonde. The tears kept streaming, but lessened after some minutes in which Yuri continued whispering comforting words, caressing his hair. The dread of the nightmare blurred in his scent and warmth. Eventually Otabek noticed he didn’t cry anymore and wiped the tears from his face.

“Better now?”, Yuri murmured, looking down and Otabek nodded.

“Thank you”, he muttered, his voice raspy. His eyes felt tired from crying and he closed them, inhaling Yuri’s scent. He felt a kiss on his hairline and the gentle fingers in his hair.

The next time he woke up he realized that he hadn’t dreamed again. He still clung to Yuri and the golden late morning light fell through the shutter he had been too lazy to properly close last night. His eyelids felt heavy and puffy, so he closed his eyes again, holding onto the skinny young man next to him.

Yuri woke up only minutes later, stretching his back and yawning like a cat. Otabek watched him shaking off the sleep, trying to memorize every movement. He was just too beautiful.

“Hey”, Yuri whispered.

“Good morning”, he answered.

Yuri smiled and hugged him tight, but paused when he felt what Otabek felt. Laughing awkwardly his cheeks turned red. “Well, _that_ happens after all.”

With a smile Otabek breathed a kiss on Yuri’s nose tip, then pushed Yuri on his back. Still smiling he lifted the blanket, ignored Yuri’s surprised “Otabek, what-?” and slipped downwards. The sunlight was enough for him to find the waistband of Yuri’s boxers even under the blanket. The boy tried to protest, but when Otabek freed him of his underwear and wrapped his lips around the tip of Yuri’s morning glory the objection turned out to be a surprised moan.

“Otabek”, he panted, muted by the comforter.

It was hard to breathe under the thick material of the blanket, but the sweet sounds Yuri produced were absolutely worth it. The blonde wriggled under his lips and tongue. After some moments his hands tousled Otabek’s hair and he shoved his crotch forward a little. While keeping the nervous hips in place with one hand, Otabek wrapped his other hand around the sensitive flesh with the other, treating the smooth tip thoroughly with his tongue. He retreated when after more or less a minute Yuri hissed, arching his back, but he wasn’t fast enough and could only close his eyes when the cum splattered all over his face and in his hair.

“Sorry!”, Yuri apologized with breathy voice and folded the blanket back to observe the mess he had created. He froze when he caught sight of Otabek and blushed like never before. “Wait”, he whispered and reached out for the nightstand, but instead of tissues he grabbed his phone. He had taken a photo before Otabek really realized what happened, then carelessly tossed the device aside and sat up, pressing Otabek with the back on the mattress. “You are _so_ _hot_!”, he gasped and ripped a few tissues from the box, but before wiping Otabek’s face kissed the Kazakh violently. “If you don’t find a job when your have your degree, you should totally do porn”, he suggested and licked a drop from Otabek’s cheek. Otabek, blushing very hard, doubted Yuri’s opinion; he’d probably starve if he ever had to live off his looks, but he was glad that Yuri liked him even for that.

Yuri started wiping his face. “There’s some in your hair”, he confessed low-voiced, trying to wipe that away as well.

“I’ll just go shower before breakfast then”, Otabek said and chuckled. “And I guess change the sheets as well. Again.”

Yuri scrunched up the tissues. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

He was clearly embarrassed, so Otabek pulled him in a tight embrace. “It’s alright”, he murmured. “We’ll just work on your stamina a bit.” He grinned. “Just don’t expect me to go easy on you.”

Yuri chuckled and pressed his forehead against Otabek’s collarbone. “I’m used to really tough training, you know...”

After showering they had breakfast and Yuri seemed to be in good mood.

“I haven’t thrown up yesterday”, he said proudly and Otabek bit his lip, unsure of what to say. “That’s great”, he answered eventually, is voice shaking a bit. “I am really proud of you.” He was, more than it had sounded to Yuri probably.

Yuri smiled and poured milk in his tea.

“Hey”, Otabek said, frowning. “I wonder… When you arrived here, you never had your tea with milk. But now you do.”

Yuri shrugged and stirred with the spoon he had picked from Otabek’s mug. “I heard that the nutrition value of drinks are converted into the body faster. So I avoided it in order not to go and vomit after every single cup of tea.” He flashed Otabek a smile. “But now I don’t have to do that anymore, right?”

The spoon tinkled on the porcelain of the mug.

“I am really proud of you”, Otabek said with serious expression and watched Yuri sipping on his tea.

“So, have you heard of the lovepigs?”

A nod followed. “They will arrive around four. They will not bring a lot of luggage, so the checkout will be done quickly I guess.”

The tinkling sound started again when Yuri put his mug down to swirl the tea some more. “Will they… stay?”

Otabek shrugged. “Victor hasn’t informed me about their plans”, he pointed out. “I guess we will have to see what he comes up with.”

The green eyes wandered over the table. “I don’t want them to come here”, Yuri confessed after some seconds. He took the spoon from the mug and licked the liquid from the rounded surface. “I don’t want them to invade this place”, he continued watching his reflection in the spoon. “This is my sanctuary after all. You said so. If they come here they’ll destroy that. I want only you and me here. This is your home and every nook and cranny looks like you and smells like you and fells like you. If they come here, they will be all over the place. There will be Victor in the corners and between the cupboards and Katsudon in the carpet and under the table. Like, metaphorically. They’ll ruin everything. They don’t belong here.” A tear slipped down Yuri’s cheek.

Otabek didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry”, Yuri continued eventually. He put the spoon down and lifted the tea from the table again. “I’m not the one to decide who comes here, but it’s too late now anyway. They are on their way and I can’t stop them, especially not Victor. Maybe that’s good. They are my friends and they need to know. It’s just…” He looked up to Otabek, his cheeks pink and his eyes wet. “I’d like to lock the world out. Everyone and everything. I need only this place and you to be happy.”

The words made Otabek’s heart hurt. “Yuri”, he breathed, but remained glued on his chair although he wanted to get up and close the distance and pull the blonde young man in a tight embrace. But he had a feeling that there was more. He was right.

“You know, Otabek”, Yuri said in a low voice the Kazakh hadn’t been thought the Russian to be capable of only a week ago. “I had a crush on Mila when Yakov took me in. At least I thought so. She’s always been super pretty and noisy and touchy-feely and she didn’t avoid me although I was a pest. When I blew off my temper-tantrums she just laughed and patted my shoulder. She was my idol in a way and I really thought I’d like to be with her, but I couldn’t- like, when I was thinking about her… I mean I thought of her before I fell asleep and I just didn’t-” He sighed. “I never felt attracted to her, like, neither sexually nor romantically. She was just cool and fun to hang out with, but that was it. I didn’t really want her to be my girlfriend, because the thought was so awkward after some time. She’s more a sister to me, there was nothing romantic whatsoever. But I wanted to fall in love. So I looked around to see if there was someone else, just to realize there was no one. I tried to fall I love with Elena Nakipova from the pair skate division and then with the older sister of one of my junior rinkmates, Natasha, who is really cute and who I knew had an interest in me, but it just didn’t happen. At last there was the girl from the Ice Castle in Hassetsu, Yuuko, who is actually a married mother of triplets, but I wanted to finally be in love so badly. It didn’t work. I liked them, all of them, more or less, but it wasn’t what I wanted. And after some time I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.” He sipped on his tea. “I thought a lot about that. And I felt alone, but I kept myself busy with my first senior year. Eventually I warmed up to the thought that I’d never fall in love with someone. Everyone around me was so full of romantic ideas that I couldn’t understand. The only kind of honest, true love I felt was for Grampa and Boginya. So I thought that maybe that was okay as well. Some people just don’t find The One, I read a lot about that on the internet. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen or it takes fifty years. I wanted to experience that, love I mean, but most of all I wanted to be close to someone. So I thought if maybe I didn’t fall in love it would be okay to be with someone who was… well, okay to be with. When I thought about the future I imagined me with someone, maybe a Yuri’s Angel, a nice girl who likes me and who is cute and funny and likes cats as much as I do and we could be happy. I wouldn’t be in love with her - no butterflies, no blush, no sped up heartbeat - but I’d like her and we could rely on each other and enjoy the other’s company. That would have been okay with me. I gave up on love. And then you showed up.” He threw a glance towards Otabek over the brink of his mug he held with both hands. “And you were so… incredibly… masculine. And dark. And cool. And I hated you for that, because I’ve always seen me with a cute girl and you made my heart beat so fast. You made my insides cramp, in a good way. I couldn’t stop thinking of you. Back home after Barcelona I couldn’t stop talking about you. I think Grampa got annoyed after some time.” He chuckled, but it didn’t even look childish anymore with how much Yuri had grown and how serious he’d become. It suited him, being mature.

Otabek watched how the blonde took another sip from his tea. He tried to imagine Yuri five years from now, like he had described, with a cute pretty girl with a black curly bob and brown eyes, a little tanner than Yuri, who had grown a lot, a meter and eightysomething, his hair long, or maybe short, his eyes still piercing green. They’d smile together, holding hands and Yuri would be happy. Would he?

“I dreamed of you,”, Yuri continued, “I fantasized about you. I took screenshots of the kiss and cry and watched your old routines on every video portal there is. I saved photos of you from all over the internet and flipped through them when I went to bed.” He blushed very hard at these words. “You were the last person I thought of before falling asleep and the first when I woke up again, although you are everything I never considered I wanted. I was just so confused but the thought of you made me happy. The memories of when you held out your hand to be my friend, and the ride through Barcelona when I clung onto you and you didn’t even do something but I felt your body under your sweater and God, you are so sexy and I knew it from that very moment on. And I realized that I wanted to be with you. And I suddenly had a sexual interest but it wasn’t a woman and that made it so hard for me to accept. Not that I could do something about it.” He shrugged. “What I want to say is: You are… most likely… the one I want to be with. And only you. Because after I looked so long for this feeling, this warmth, I think I finally found it. You gave it to me, when I needed it the most actually. Now. I need it so much. I need you. I wish I could make everything else disappear.” He swallowed hard and pushed the mug away and then hid his face behind his palms. Otabek didn’t even realize how he got up but found himself next to Yuri within a moment. He crouched next to the blonde like he had done on the first day when Yuri had arrived and told him about his grandfather. It was like a déjà-vu, but real.

“Come here”, he murmured and Yuri threw himself in his embrace, his hair everywhere and Otabek loved it.

“I don’t want them to come”, he sobbed. “I don’t want anyone to come and I don’t want either of us to leave. I want to lock the door and close the windows and want to stay here, with you, forever. I don’t want to face all that bullshit that lies behind the door. I just want to be happy. Is that really too much to ask for?”

“You will be.” Otabek kissed the blonde hair. “It will be hard in the beginning, but I will be there, and we will make it happen, like I promised you, remember?”

Yuri nodded.

“I don’t know how long it will take, but soon enough we will look back and all the pain and fear will be gone, I promise you.”

Again Yuri nodded and after a few more moments calmed down, but didn’t let go of Otabek. “You had a nightmare tonight”, he mentioned. His thin fingers found their way to the short hair on the back of Otabek’s head.

“Yes”, he said, trying to remember. It was all really blurry, but he still remembered the point. “There was something in the house, something that came for us, and we had to run, but you did not hear me and I could not leave you behind.”

“Did you stay with me?”

Otabek nodded.

“Did it get us?”

“I don’t know. Probably. You woke me up before it arrived.”

Yuri’s breath felt soft and warm on Otabek’s neck. “Maybe we died.”

“Yes”, he replied, holding Yuri close. “Maybe we died.”

For some reason the affirmation made Yuri cry again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love making Yuri cry, and I'm not sorry, because Otabek is just so wonderful, he'd rather die than leave Yuri behind, and it almost made my cry too ^^  
> For those of you waiting: Victor and Yuuri show up next chapter.


	26. On love: Confessions

 

 

The doorbell rang at ten to five. Yuri, whose nerves had been a mess for some hours now, stood stiff.

“I can go”, Otabek offered, but remained seated on the sofa, book in his hand, and glasses on. It had taken Yuri by surprise when he had put the wayfarer spectacles on (“I don’t know if you look like a nerd from a Dungeons-and-Dragons club basement or if it turns me on a lot”, he had said and after giving it some thought determined that he found it “kinda bloody hot”), but after last night’s nightmare his eyes had really approved the assistance, although he normally didn’t need glasses unless he studied for hours.

“I’ll go.” The Russian Fairy’s voice sounded harried. Instead of turning towards the door he kept standing in place, his skin ashen pale, so Otabek got up.

“Let us both go”, he said, put glasses and book down and offered Yuri his hand. The boy took it and they went over to the entrance door, where Yuri inhaled shakily and at last pressed the handle down.

Victor looked relieved when the door swung open. Behind him Yuuri stood with a concerned look.

“Hey”, Yuri said and they all looked at one another awkwardly for a moment before Victor made a step forward and wrapped his arms around the smaller Russian.

“Yuri”, he murmured and Yuri, who had stiffened for a moment, relaxed in his senior’s embrace. “Sorry it took so long”, Victor went on. “We came as fast as possible, but I wished it had been even faster.” He pushed Yuri away with both hands on Yuri’s shoulders. “You lost weight”, he stated.

Otabek could hear the sound of Yuri’s teeth gritting. “Please, come in”, he said with a voice as neutral as possible and it made Victor and Yuuri look towards him.

“Of course”, the silver-haired said and laughed apologetically.

Yuri withdrew to the kitchen to prepare a pot of tea and Otabek took care of the visitors’ coats.

“Hisashiburi~”, Yuuri said with a slight smile and Otabek returned it in a somehow reassuring manner. He wondered what it looked like to the gentle Japanese skater, who had very likely never seen another expression on Otabek than his usual frown.

He led them to the living room to sit down, then excused himself to the kitchen, where he half expected Yuri having a mental breakdown, but the blonde just stood there, motionless staring into the open cupboard, a glass of raspberry jam in his right hand.

“Yuri”, he said and the boy turned around.

“Ah, sorry”, Yuri said and smiled. “I don’t know if they have their tea with jam.”

Otabek went over to him and shut the cupboard close, then took both Yuri’s hands and kissed him softly. Yuri closed his eyes and leaned in the kiss a little, but broke away after a second.

“Let’s get it over with”, he said and Otabek nodded, glad that his encouragement had worked.

He took the tray with the Kazakh tea set from the shelf and carried it over to the living room, followed by Yuri.

Victor stood by the record shelf, his head tilted so he could read the names of the discs while Yuuri sat on the floor in Japanese style, eying Otabek’s book on the table. He had started to study Russian when he had come to St. Petersburg and obviously tried to put his skills to the test, but looked up when he heard the tea set rattling.

“Can I help you?”, he offered, but Otabek shook his head.

“It’s alright.” He put the tea down and let Yuri sit on the couch, taking the place beside him on the edge of the padding. Victor sat down on the other side, his eyes full of worry.

“Well”, Yuri said hesitantly, watching how Otabek poured the tea and handed the glasses out. “I really don’t know how to start. I thought about it forever now but I didn’t find a proper phrasing or something, because… well most likely there is none.” He sighed. “I’m glad though that you came here to see me, it’s kinda remote and… Well, anyway, thank you for that. I don’t think I could have done that on the phone.” He looked to Victor, then to Yuuri and swallowed hard. “As Otabek said on the phone already, a lot has happened in my life lately and I couldn’t handle it anymore. It’s a whole lot of shit piled up and… I just… Well, the reason I originally came here is that approximately a month ago my grampa died of a heart attack.” Victor and Yuuri both inhaled audibly, but Yuri didn’t let them interrupt him. “I had to move back in with my mother, who has abused me as a child but now is only after the money I make with figure skating. It’s still not the most enjoyable place to live as you can probably imagine but I had to wait for my sixteenth birthday to legally make it out of there and come here to stay with Otabek who fortunately took me in. That was a week ago, as you know.” He fell silent and took his glass, indicating that he was ready for comments.

Yuuri was the first one to speak. “I’m so sorry, Yuri”, he mumbled and you could tell from his voice that he meant it. “Really, I only lost my dog, but I can somewhat imagine what it feels like. I’m really sorry.”

Yuri nodded, staring into his tea.

“Yuri”, Victor said, leaning forward to get his attention but the blonde suddenly interrupted him:

“There’s more.”

Victor sat back with a pained expression.

“There’s… a lot more actually.” His voice had lost it’s edge and he put the glass back on the table, without even having taken a sip. He leaned back, closer to Otabek than before who let it happen but didn’t act in order not to make Yuri uncomfortable by being overly protective.

Yuri looked over to his Japanese namesake. “Back in Hasetsu”, he said, “at the Onsen on Ice event… That was probably the last time I was honest with you.” He looked back at Victor. “With both of you. It’s been almost a year since then, right?” They nodded and Yuri continued: “When I came home I was desperate. I didn’t know how to become better, good enough to leave an impression on… on basically everyone. My life felt like a mess, which is a ridiculous thought, retrospective, but I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. This was when I met someone called Sergej Komarov.”

“Komarov?!”, Victor exclaimed.

“Aaah, you know him.” Yuri closed his eyes, but looked over to Victor right away when the older Russian replied:

“Of course I do! Yuri, please don’t tell me he did something to you!”

Yuri chuckled lowly, bitterly. “Actually, he did make me win a Grand Prix gold medal”, he said, leaving Victor in shocked silence and Yuuri in confusion. “He’s from the Ministry of Sports of the Russian Federation”, Yuri therefore explained. His voice started shaking. “I don’t know how it is in Japan, but in Russia competitive sports carry a lot of prestige. That’s why the authorities put a lot of effort and money in the training of international competitors. Well, that and… other things.” His fingers clenched into fists. “They don’t shrink from taking drastic measures. But as I said, I was desperate and what he suggested to me made sense at that time.”

“Yuri, no”, Victor whispered, but the blonde went on, obviously not sure about how long his courage would last to speak it out loud.

“I’ve had an eating disorder for almost a year. I also doped since then.” Two shimmering tears fell from his eyes. “I’m sorry.” The slender upper body bent over and he hid his overflowing eyes with his hands once more, sobbing quietly. “I betrayed you”, he pressed out between sobs. “But don’t think I don’t feel ashamed about it. I fooled you and I feel terrible about it. And I wasn’t even brave enough to tell you until now. I can’t expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I’m really, really sorry!” He whined and Otabek wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, comforting him with his loving embrace. He saw how Yuuri smiled despite his frown; obviously the Japanese skater had noticed that this wasn’t a hug among friends.

“Do Yakov and Lilia know?”, Victor asked no one in particular, so that Otabek answered in Yuri’s place:

“No one outside of this room has knowledge about it.” He stroked Yuri’s hair, feeling how the boy pressed himself harder against the Kazakh’s chest, sobbing violently. “Well, Sergej Komarov does”, he corrected himself.

Victor hummed, lost in either shock or thought.

“He only told me about his grandfather”, Otabek explained. “When he arrived here. I learned the rest of the story after some time. I caught him throwing up dinner some days ago. Only later, when he spoke to his mother on the phone I first heard the name of Komarov. His mother mentioned the name. When I spoke to Yakov later he warned me about this person. He did not explain anything. I confronted Yuri with it and he eventually told me everything. That was yesterday.”

“Good God”, Victor sighed and scrutinized Yuri who was still crying, clinging to Otabek. “I never thought… I apologize, but this is...” He fell silent, shaking his head.

“I’m glad you are there for him, Otabek”, Yuuri said from the table. The ring on his right hand shimmered as he turned it around the finger. “If you find yourself in the dark, you sometimes can’t escape it by yourself. That’s when you need someone to lead you back to the light. Yuri is very lucky.”

Otabek nodded. The words had sounded way more honest than he liked it. It wasn’t like he had a real connection with Yuuri Katsuki, much less a friendship. They were just competitors in the same league, but to think that Yuuri knew exactly what he was talking about because he had made this experience himself not so long ago made Otabek feel pity for him. He returned the serious expression on the usually rather shy Japanese man’s face. There was a side of him he rarely showed, but Otabek recognized it from his programs, when he let the maturity his bad experiences had provided him with show.

“This is indeed the problem”, he said at last, his voice low. He felt Yuri’s tears through the fabric of his T-Shirt. “And the reason why Yuri agreed to get you involved in it. I- we don’t know what to do.” He looked from Yuuri to Victor. “The only thing I know is that I want to help Yuri.” He nodded once. “I want to save him. Whatever it takes.”

“Otabek”, Yuri whined and sat up. He looked at him with red-rimmed eyes, his cheeks wet and the tip of his nose pink.

Otabek wanted to kiss him, but he held back. He didn’t want to make a show, didn’t know if Yuri wanted Victor and Yuuri to know (although the Japanese clearly knew what was going on), so he just pushed one of the thick whitish-golden strands back behind Yuri’s ear and said: “It’s okay.”

Yuri nodded and wiped the tears from his eyes, futile, as new ones took their place immediatey. He leaned against Otabek, who held him gently, and turned towards Victor. “It’s true”, he said with hoarse voice. “I don’t know who else to ask for help. It know that it’s imprudent to ask you for it, so if you decline I understand-”

“Stop talking like that, Yuri!”, Victor cut in.

Otabek could feel the blonde startle in his loose embrace.

The older Russian continued: “Of course we will help you. What happened to you is a disaster and I’m ashamed of myself that you couldn’t trust me more and talk to me earlier. I might be irresponsible and a dreamer, but I’m your friend and I’m your senior. I will not let you down on something like that. You’ve been like a brother for me, of course I’ll do anything I can. And Yuuri as well, right Solnishko?”

Yuuri blushed over the pet name, but nodded.

Yuri looked from Victor to Yuuri. “So, you… you are not mad at me?”

“Of course not”, Yuuri answered, smiling lightly.

“But I stole the medal from you!”, Yuri objected, sitting up. “I only got slightly more points because I was given drugs. In a fair competition _you_ would have won!”

The smile on the Japanese’s face became lenient. “We both know that is not true”, Yuuri replied. “You are an extraordinary figure skater Yuri. You made so much progress since you challenged me in Hasetsu. You worked so hard and you put so much into your skating. You would’ve won that medal with or without taking those preparations. You didn’t steal anything from me. Okay?”

The green eyes swam in tears again. “I’d give you the medal, you know. It’s yours. And then the both of you can marry and be happy together.”

“We are happy without that medal”, Victor said lowly and Yuuri nodded.

“There are things way more important than gold or silver”, the Japanese said and gave Otabek a look, only to look back at Yuri again. “You know that too, right?”

The blonde Russian nodded. “Thanks… Yuuri.” He sat back against Otabek’s shoulder again.

“So”, Victor said. “I guess it’s time we plan on telling Yakov then.”

Yuri tensed up immediately.

“He’s right, Yuri”, Otabek murmured close to the boy’s ear. He had thought about that as well. Yakov was Yuri’s supervisor after all, if there was anyone who could do something about how Yuri had been used, it was him.

“Please, no”, Yuri whispered, but Otabek pulled him close.

“He needs to know, Yuri”, Victor said, Yuuri nodding in the background. “He helped me out when Komarov came for me as well.”

“He came for you?” Yuri sounded aghast.

The smile on the older Russian’s lip became sad. “Of course, Yuri, of course. And he came for Evgenii before me and for Alexei and Maxim and Irina and Ljudmila.” He sighed and placed the tip of his right index finger under his lower lip. “You said it yourself, they are rampant when it’s about gold and they have been since the Soviet Era and most likely before. I was just lucky that Yakov was there for me. Maybe I had given in as well. I was like you, Yuri, very much, I wanted to be complimented and I’d trust anyone who’d make it happen. If I hadn’t been so naive and tell Yakov about it, maybe they had gotten me as well.” He reached out for his glass and took a sip. “This is very good tea, Otabek, thank you.” He took another sip, then continued: “He promised me wonderful things back then. Medals, world records, money and fame. I had talent, I knew that myself, but he had the tools to make it better, more, to make it matter. I’m actually not half as mature as I make people think. Deep inside I’m still just a child. All my life has just been a game for me, a game I became bored of very fast, so when he promised me to he pushed the limits I got interested. I did take my career seriously, don’t get me wrong, but I knew I was good, and that was my curse. I skated better and better, but being good, even being brilliant wasn’t thrilling anymore. I wanted more. I just didn’t want to be one of the best. I wanted to be the _sole_ best. And he said he could do that. I got so excited, so I told Yakov about it. I don’t think he’s ever been that angry in his life and you know him, bubbling wrath is his normal state. He wished Komarov to hell. He said that he’d ever come close to one of his skaters again he’d ace him for good. And, well, the way he said it, he was kind of convincing.” Victor laughed lowly and even Yuri chuckled. Otabek on the contrary found the thought scary as hell, but he didn’t say anything.

“So, you see”, Victor concluded, “Yakov is the one to consult here. He’ll handle it.”

“But...”, Yuri intervened hesitantly, “Won’t he be mad at me? I deceived him as well...”

“Of course he will be mad at you!” Incongruously Victor laughed. “He’s mad at you every time you don’t tie your hair properly before training, it’s obvious that he’ll be mad at you for all that went wrong for the last year!” He tilted his head and his voice became gentle. “But you’re his protégé, Yuri. He’ll be mad because he cares about you. You know that he does, right?”

Yuri nodded, but kept his head low, to hide his tears behind his long hair and how he bit down on his lower lip.

“Hey”, Victor purred. “It’s gonna be alright, okay? I’m with you. Yuuri too. And your Otabek as well. Don’t get discouraged.” He opened his arms and Yuri hugged him hesitantly. “We are family, aren’t we? Family doesn’t bail on each other”, he murmured and Yuri sobbed, but nodded.

“Thank you”, he sniveled as Victor tousled his hair, them looked to Yuuri without letting go of Victor. “Thank you too, Yuuri.”

The Japanese nodded. “Anytime, Yuri”, he murmured.

When Yuri fell silent, Victor laughed. “You don’t thank Otabek? That’s mean, Yurio!”

“I think he’ll show Otabek his gratitude once we left them alone”, Yuuri said low voiced, causing a dark blush on both Otabek’s and Yuri’s cheeks and a confused “Huh?” from Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YUURI!!!!   
> Victor was incredibly hard to write, and Yuuri was too easy, so I think they are both ooc, but at least I love how Yuuri turned out.  
> The other skaters mentioned are made up btw.   
> Also, Otabek with glasses is my kink, for real.  
> I hope you liked it ^^


	27. On love itself.

 

 

Yuri was exhausted. It was obvious from how his shoulders hung when Otabek came back from the kitchen. Yuri had wanted to help him clean up after Victor and Yuuri had left for their hotel close to the central park where they had booked a room to stay before going back to St. Petersburg tomorrow. But Otabek had insisted that Yuri remained on the couch, leaning against the back rest and his head rested on top of it. His hair spilled down behind the back rest like light golden honey. Quietly Otabek came closer to stand beside the sofa watching Yuri who had his eyes closed. Was he asleep? His chest lifting and lowering he breathed calmly, his hands laid palms up next to his tights. He was beyond beautiful. Otabek didn’t dare to say something or sit down, much less touch Yuri; he wanted to stand here for ever, watching his skinny, fragile boyfriend.

“I can hear you breathe”, Yuri whispered after a moment and Otabek startled caught in the act. “Are you staring at me again?”

“Yes”, Otabek said, finally sitting down. “I did not want to disturb you.”

Yuri opened his eyes lazily and let his head roll to the side to where the Kazakh had sat down. He stared back.

Otabek stretched out his arms and Yuri rushed in his embrace, desperate for the comfort. “You were really brave”, he murmured while playing with the blonde hair.

“They were really composed as well.” The Russian Fairy breathed a kiss on Otabek’s shirt. “I think Katsudon noticed.”

Otabek could only nod. “Victor did not though.”

“He’s said it himself, he’s a scapegracer.” Yuri looked up at him, his face very close to Otabek’s. “I have hope though. That everything will be alright. I’m so happy they didn’t abandon me. That was what I feared the most. That they’d be disgusted.” He lifted his right hand, the one with the ring, and placed his soft fingertips on Otabek’s cheekbone. “I’m thankful.” Leaning in he placed his lips on Otabek’s.

His eyelids drifted half shut as he kissed Yuri and held him close. The blonde’s long, beautiful legs in tight jersey laid draped over the padding like he was posing for a photo. It was very erotic, but pure at the same time. The soft tongue made it’s way in between Otabek’s lips, playing with his. Like every time when they kissed like that Otabek’s heartbeat sped up and it didn’t slow down a bit when Yuri backed away a few millimeters, licking the Kazakh’s lower lip slowly.

“Stay here”, he whispered and Otabek nodded, without being too sure about what the blonde beauty was referring to.

Yuri placed a kiss on Otabek’s lower lip, like an apology, then sat up again. He pushed a golden strand behind his ear. His hair had grown so long so fast, like it wanted to keep up with the growth of his pale body, becoming long, delicate, mesmerizing. “I mean it”, he said, his eyes wandering over the hands Otabek had rested between his knees. “You need to stay here when I go back to Russia. I don’t have the right to take you away from your rink.”

Otabek frowned.

Yuri looked up when the Kazakh didn’t say anything and frowned as well. “Okay?”

“I do not understand”, Otabek replied.

A sigh escaped Yuri’s lips. It looked like he had hoped that Otabek would know what he was referring to so that he didn’t have to put it in words. “It’s like Victor says”, he murmured, fiddling with his ring, just like Yuuri had done earlier. Like the metal was some sort of anchor for both of them. “I need to go back soon. Yakov will know what to do.”

Otabek nodded. “They will go back tomorrow”, he remembered Victor’s and Yuuri’s plan. “The plane will very likely not be fully booked. We could go with them. As Victor suggested.”

“Not we,”, Yuri interrupted him, “me. You’ll stay here.”

After a moment of irritation, then realization, the Kazakh could almost hear his heart break. Why? Why would Yuri say that, say it that definitive? Why would he leave him behind? Why wouldn’t he let him stay by his side, at times like this, when he needed him, after all he had done for him. He did need him. Didn’t he?

Otabek could only stare at Yuri, who sighed. Why did he sigh like that? Why did he still play with his ring like he needed distraction? Didn’t he need him anymore? Why? Since when? It was easy: it was since Victor had come to know. It was Victor. Was it? Had Yuri moved on to Victor? Was it true after all? What he had said before, that he had only used Otabek for comfort, that he had only played with him, that he had never loved; had it all been true after all? Otabek grit his teeth. So that was it. Yuri had never been his. Even if he had been, he wasn’t anymore. He left him, he left him behind. He couldn’t keep his promise, he was losing Yuri, it was happening, right now, like in his nightmare, he was losing Yuri.

“Shit, why are you crying?”

Otabek snapped out of his thoughts at the low voice of his boyfriend (no, he wasn’t his boyfriend, when it all had been a delusion), saw Yuri reaching out and then felt his gentle fingers wipe a tear from his cheek. He hadn’t noticed the tears dripping from his eyes, but now the sensation was overwhelming. He felt embarrassed and helpless at the same time.

The look in Yuri’s eyes became desperate. “Please, no”, he whispered hurriedly. “Please don’t cry, why are you crying, Otabek, please, don’t!”

“Sorry”, he whispered, his voice raspy.

Yuri shook his head. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The attempt to inhale turned out to be a weak sob. “I don’t want to lose you”, he whispered, then squeezed his eyes shut like if he couldn’t see Yuri, then Yuri couldn’t see him either, couldn’t see how pathetic he was. Yuri didn’t say anything, so he clenched his hands and continued: “I am just sorry that I could not be enough for you.”

“What?” The Russian’s voice sounded shocked, but Otabek didn’t even notice.

“I gave my best, Yuratchka. I really did!” He wiped his eyes with the backside of one fist. He was so sad, but angry at the same time and disappointed with himself and his ludicrous attempts to be The One for him, to be a hero for Yuri Plisetsky after all those years of struggle. But maybe it was better that way. Yuri deserved better. He deserved more. More than that mediocre, gloomy, geeky Kazakh figure skater with only one facial expression, who hadn’t even been good enough for the podium at the Grand Prix despite all his effort. How had he ever thought he could be enough for Yuri? What a fool he had been!

“Yuri, I am so sorry. But you are right”, he whispered between sobs. “You can do better.”

“Otabek, what the fuck are you talking about?” Yuri’s hands gasped his shoulders, shook him once and made him look up. The green eyes were wild and angry – soldier’s eyes. “What do you mean ‘do better’?”

Otabek snuffled, shrugged. “I was an idiot. I thought it would work. But of course I am not good enough for you, so leaving me is the right thing to-”

“What?!” The grip of the slender fingers became painful. “No one said something about- I’m not leaving you, Otabek! What the fuck?”

Confused the black-haired blinked. “But you said-” He shook his head, tried to collect his thoughts. “You said I will stay.”

“And you will, but-” Now Yuri seemed to be confused as well, but only for a moment, before it dawned to him. The tourmaline eyes lit up. “Oh my God, Otabek”, he whispered, then a smile spread across his face. “You misunderstood, oh good God, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant!” He chuckled lowly, his hands reaching up. “You’re so cute”, he murmured and wrapped his arms around Otabek’s shoulders, pulled him in a tight embrace. “I’m not leaving you”, he said, his voice caring and comforting and so close to Otabek’s ear that the Kazakh could feel the warmth of his breath. “I’m not leaving you, you darling little fool. How could I ever leave you?” His fingers ran through the wiry dark hair, gently and lovingly. “Please stop crying, I didn’t mean that. I just don’t want you to quit your training because of me. I can’t make you risk gold, and you _will take_ gold this time, I know it.” He placed a kiss on Otabek’s hair. “You need to stay here, with your coach and your rink and your family and your country.”

“I want to stay with you”, he whispered, his tears lessening slowly.

With a rapt smile Yuri tightened the embrace for a moment, making Otabek gasp. “I want to stay with you as well, Otabek, you can bet your goddamn future gold medal on that, I do. But I need to talk to Yakov and I don’t want to be so selfish and take you with me. I want you to stay here and train. And then I want you to show me that wonderful programs like they are meant to be. Please.” He pushed Otabek at arm’s length distance and cupped his cheeks with both hands. “Shit, you’re so beautiful when you cry.” He leaned in and pressed a firm kiss on Otabek’s lips, before backing off and looking at him with serious expression. “I can do that, Otabek. I’ll go back and talk to Yakov and everything will be fine again. I’ll be strong. And you’ll be strong as well. And in a few weeks already we’ll be together in Helsinki and everything will be alright then, I promise, okay?”

Otabek nodded and tried to smile. By the way Yuri looked content, he thought he half-succeeded.

“And never again think that I’d leave you”, Yuri said and his smile was soft and frank and pure. Agape.

“Okay”, Otabek nodded. “I love you.”

Yuri looked down to Otabek’s hands, took them and looked up to his eyes again. He had tilted his head and his sunshine-colored hair framed his angelic face. “I love you too.”

The feeling those words caused was eclectic. Happiness was there. But also doubt. And guilt, a lot of guilt.

“There is no need to say that”, Otabek whispered and grit his teeth.

The look on Yuri’s face became hurt. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Do not say it because you think the situation demands it.” He frowned. Had he ever stopped? “Do not get me wrong, I really want to hear it, but you said that you don’t know if you love me, so if you say it affect based it... hurts me.” He sighed. “I love you a lot, Yuri. And I am okay if you do not feel the same for me, as long as you don’t want me to stop loving you. I love you like crazy and therefore I can not force you into something you do not honestly feel-”

“Then tell me what else it is that I feel!”

Otabek looked at him apologetically, but remained silent, so that Yuri continued:

“Tell me what it is, this feeling, that grows and grows the longer I know you, the more I think of you. What is it that made me think of you since that day in Barcelona? That made me want to be with you. Because this is what I want.” His voice was soft and gentle, not at all as harsh as Otabek would have expected. “I thought of you so much, Otabek. About how you took me with you. About how you held your hand out and I grasped it. About how you are the only person who seems to know how I work. You can see through my shell somehow and it’s amazing. But you don’t pry and that’s even more amazing.” He smiled, his hands still holding Otabek’s and a slight blush showed on his cheeks and nosetip. “You are so calm and smooth, and so different from me. And good-looking as well. I really like your voice. And the tone of your skin, because it looks warm and that’s what you are. Your kind words and your gentle touch and your long lashes and your super adorable smile. You’re strong and solid, but soft when you need to be. And the way you look at me, frown at me, it makes me feel warm inside. And how very, very black your eyes are. And the way you call me Yuratchka and… I want to be with you. I wanted that from the beginning. You being close to me. I wanted you to fall in love with me, because... because of that feeling that fills each least fiber of my body. I wanted you to look at me and, well, want me. And I want to feel those beautiful eyes on me and never stop. I want you to smile this beautiful, precious, sweet smile and I want to be the reason. I want you to be happy and I want to _make_ you happy. All the time. That’s how I feel. So, tell me… What is this feeling? Because I can only think that I love you and I’m pretty sure I _do_ , so… do I?”

Otabek didn’t even have to think twice about that. It was what he felt, exactly, so he smiled under his now dried tears and nodded. “Yes.”

He had never seen Yuri smile that bright. “See? I told you.” He laughed, clear like a chime. “I love you!”

He fell in Otabek’s embrace and they both laughed, Otabek’s eyes still burning, and his heart as well with his one true wish coming true.

They sat there, full of joy, and only after what felt like forever Yuri sat up and looked at him with a smile. “There’s one thing we need to do”, he said and whatever it would be, Otabek would do anything for his Fairy in his arms.

They threw away the pill boxes.

“I don’t need them anymore”, Yuri explained. “I’ll be fine without them. Finer.” He chuckled. “Is that even a word?”

Otabek watched how Yuri piled up the boxes, the big one with the hormone vials and injection needles first, then the painkillers and remedies and at last the smallest one that contained the nasal spray, explaining every preparation’s effect and administration.

“I never quite got the hang of doing the injections”, he described his experience with the testosterone preparation. “I was always scared of the needle and it always really hurt, because I didn’t do it the right way. It was terrible. I could never get addicted to heroine because I’d rather stab myself with the injection I s’ppose.” He chuckled, ignoring Otabek’s pale complexion and piled up more boxes. “Those are all really general remedies, for the flu, sore throat, the cold, and painkillers and stuff. You can buy those everywhere. Komarov and me, we figured out which ones have kinda positive by-effects, like increasing the attention-span and stuff like that, and I took them in right before competitions. Your body gets used to those really fast, so in order not to wear out the effects you have to take them in as little as possible. There’s no use in eating pills everyday, actually. I took all that crap everywhere I went, after we found out which work best for me, so after some time I even just left them in my suitcase. That way no one would find them in my room back at Lilia’s as well and everywhere I went I had what I needed. Even when they checked my luggage at airports it’s only boringly normal medicine, so no one ever thought twice about it.” He shrugged. “This one”, he said at last, holding out the nasal spray, “this one’s actually addictive. Baby-Gopniks do nasal spray when they get sore from sniffing glue.” He chuckled and placed the box on top of his pile. “I didn’t get addicted myself of course. I liked to remain in control of the small things in my life that I was still able to influence myself, so I didn’t let it happen.” He carefully picked up the scarily high stack and smiled at Otabek, before walking over to the trash bin and letting the boxes fall. “Fuck the system”, he said smiling brightly and gave his pills the finger.

Otabek watched him carefully as Yuri came back to sit next to him on the bed, pushing his suitcase aside. “How do you feel?”, he asked low-voiced. It was without a doubt a big step for Yuri to get rid of that part of his life.

“Relieved”, the blonde said and let himself sink against the Kazakh’s shoulder.

Otabek took his hand, turning the ring around Yuri’s slender finger. “You’ve become incredibly strong”, he stated.

“I’m a soldier”, Yuri said, closing his eyes. He looked dead tired.

“You are”, he replied and laid down on the mattress, pulling Yuri with him.

They fell asleep withing minutes next to Yuri’s suitcase with the light still on and holding each other close.


	28. On love: A Reason To Fight

 

The morning was soft and golden when Otabek woke up. Sunlight fell through the shutter he hadn’t bothered to close when the had woken up and switched off the light tonight. He hadn’t wanted to wake Yuri up. Yuri, who laid beside him now, his long lashes casting an ivory shadow on his cheeks. The dust sparkled in the air, levitating like golden glitter, dancing, the only indicator for the flow of time that was viscid like honey and just as sweet. The young man’s scent caressed Otabek’s nose tip and lips and heart, his relaxed features kept him calm. The Kazakh smiled, didn’t even notice. He didn’t feel hot or cold or hungry or tired, all he felt was bliss, pure bliss, not more not less, but that bliss contained so much more, feelings like hope and glee and love and love and even more love. He didn’t dare to move, just looked at Yuri, his sweet Yuratchka, with this calmly beating heart and whitegold-spun hair and shining skin, so peaceful, _so_ _peaceful_. The lashes fluttered like wind on autumn grass and gave way to the tourmalines, green, blue, mottled, shimmering, “Good morning”, so beautiful.

“Good morning”, he replied, finally realizing his smile and it felt natural, for the first time in his life maybe.

Yuri smiled back at him, then yawned. Just like a cat would do, stretched just like a cat would do and cuddled closer like only he did, bonywhitewarm.

Still smiling Otabek hugged him tightly, breathed kisses on the golden hair, one after the other, closing his eyes in awe, opened them again to watch the dust dancing. His fairy was dozing off a little and he enjoyed it, reminding himself that it was the last time for who-knew-how-long, but the thought didn’t hurt or scare him. He didn’t worry about the future, not now. The only thing he could do was enjoy this moment. It looked a lot like Yuri felt the same way.

After some more minutes Yuri yawned once again and looked up at him, sleepy and content. “I’ll miss that”, he said. His wiry physique stretched up to place a kiss on Otabek’s lips.

“I will miss you too”, he replied, kissed Yuri back just for a moment.

Wit glittered over the younger skater’s face. “That’s not what I said.”

“I know. But that is what you meant.”

Blushing Yuri kissed him, slowly, sweetly. “I love you”, he whispered, just to press his lips on the black-haired’s again.

They got up and had breakfast – baursaki, like on the first day, so long ago, just a few days ago – and Yuri poured milk in his tea. He smiled differently now, not pained or insecure, just so full of love.

“Let me take you to the airport at least”, Otabek asked.

Yuri nodded for an answer. Victor had booked the tickets for the three of them earlier this morning and sent Yuri the file with his so the young man went to print it out with Otabek’s devices and then proceeded to pack while Otabek tidied up the kitchen. When he was almost finished with the dishes he noticed Yuri dragging his mid-size suitcase to the corridor and quietly go over to the living room to check if there was some of his stuff left. After a moment he walked back to his luggage and Otabek heard him pulling the zipper.

With a sigh, stretching his back, the Russian Fairy came to the kitchen. “Need help?”, he offered and picked up his mug, still half-full of cooled down tea, that Otabek had left on the table.

The Kazakh turned his head towards him. Yuri leaned with his hip against the counter, his fingers wrapped around the green mug, the ring glimmering a little. His blonde hair hung in thick, wavy strands around his relaxed face.

“Almost done”, he replied, smiling lightly. “You look very beautiful.”

One eyebrow rose. “Huh?” Looking down his slender body in black skinny jeans and a red hooded sweatshirt Yuri shrugged. “I look normal. I guess”, he murmured.

Otabek hummed. “You are tall”, he explained. “It suits you.” That was only one of the many details that made his heart ache for Yuri, but he’d not go into detail now.

A blush appeared on Yuri’s nosetip. “Thanks.”

Finished with the dishes Otabek hung the towel on the hook. “If you are ready we could leave for the airport and have cake at the café before Victor and Yuuri arrive”, he suggested, making his boyfriend nod and chug the rest of his tea. He made his way over to him and put the mug in the sink. “Let me just clean that-”, he began, but stopped, when Otabek grabbed his shoulder.

The Kazakh pulled him close and pressed his lips onto Yuri’s in a sudden kiss. He shoved Yuri against the counter, slid one leg between the Russian’s, grabbed two handful of golden hair, deepened the kiss until Yuri let their tongues entwine by parting his soft lips. Long, desperate fingers tugged on Otabek’s shirt. Moaning lowly into the kiss Yuri pulled Otabek closer until their bodies were pressed against each other. The heat that rushed through his veins blinded him so that he closed his eyes, felt how his heart beat, not fast but heavy, felt how Yuri’s hand slid up to his spine, felt his breath and warmth. He hoped that Yuri felt just as good, put everything in this passionate kiss, the last kiss for a long time.

They couldn’t kiss at the airport, not in Kazakhstan, not in public. Realization had hit Otabek very sudden but he was glad that it had come to mind in time, that he was able to seize this chance before they were outside and could do nothing but maybe hug if they were bold. And after realizing he had not even been capable of articulating his thought, he had acted in the heat of the moment and he hoped that Yuri understood. The way he returned the kiss made him think so.

Unexpectedly Yuri pulled on Otabek’s shirt, freed himself from the kiss. Their lips were still very, very close and Otabek, opening his eyes, looked down on the blush on Yuri’s face. “We need to stop”, Yuri whispered. “If you keep kissing me like that I’ll take you to the bedroom and then I’ll miss the plane.”

Otabek moaned and pulled him close, his hands on Yuri’s hips, burying his face in the crook of the Russian’s neck. “I know what you mean”, he mumbled against the soft skin, teased it with the tip of his nose, right underneath Yuri’s earlobe. He was getting aroused as well, Yuri was just too sexy pressed against him like that. “I just wanted to properly kiss you good-bye, you know.”

“I know”, Yuri murmured, then caressed his gape with his fingertips. “It’s not a good-bye kiss though”, he added. “Just a see-you-soon kiss.”

Straightening himself Otabek smiled and looked at Yuri. After a moment he nodded. “That is right.” Leaning forward he placed another kiss on Yuri’s lips, this time gentle, then said: “See you soon, Yuri.”

With a bright smile Yuri replied: “See you soon, Otabek.”

They took the bus to the airport. After some time Yuri had taken Otabek’s hand, between their legs at the edge of the seats, hiding it under the animal print scarf he had unwound from his neck.

“I hope the old men aren’t too annoying on the plane”, he sighed, referring to Victor and Yuuri. “I bet it’s hard to see them flirting and stuff when I have to leave my ‘zolotse’ behind here.”

Otabek nodded, tightening his grip on Yuri’s hand a little. He liked how the blonde had called him his ‘gold’. All those years when he had only dreamed about how it would be to have the Russian Fairy notice him seemed very far away now.

“We will talk on the phone a lot”, he predicted.

It made Yuri snort. “We’ll be on video call every fucking second we are free, I hope you saw that much coming!” Grinning he tilted his head to make his bangs fall to the side. “Phone… Honestly, sometimes you sound like Grampa...”

Watching the green eyes sparkling Otabek shrugged. “I am fine with that”, he answered without specifying what he meant. He was actually fine with both, sounding like Yuri’s grandfather _and_ being on video call whenever possible. “That is our stop.” He gestured towards the door.

Being the gentleman his mother had raised him to be Otabek carried his boyfriend’s luggage while Yuri tagged along, fiddling with his papers. They checked in the suitcase leaving Yuri with his backpack and got provided with the information that the boarding would start in half an hour.

“I’ll just text Victor that we’re here already”, Yuri explained and did so while on the escalator to the second floor where they found a table at the small café there. “He says they just arrived and are on their way to the check in. Thank you”, Yuri said when Otabek came from the counter with a Frozen Walnut Brownie Cappuccino with extra cream for Yuri and a cup of black tea for Otabek, his treat. “And that they wait downstairs for the boarding to begin, because they want to _give us_ _private_ _time_...” He mimicked quotation marks with index and middle finger and made a face. “Sounds like Piggy spilled the beans.” He pulled his beverage closer and began eating the clotted cream with the small spoon that came with the drink. “I hope Vitya shuts the hell up, even such a kinda short flight is too long when you need to listen to him babbling about his lovey-dovey ideas anyway, I don’t want to even imagine how horrible it will be now that he knows about someone else’s relationship.” He pursed his lips and looked at Otabek on the other side of the table. “Uh, ‘relationship’. That sounds cool.”

Otabek let the word sink in. He tried out different phrases in his head (“I have a relationship with Yuri Plisetsky.”, “We have a relationship based on mutual respect and support.” and “Hello, Mother, I just called to let you know that I am now in a relationship with the boy I was fanboying over since I was thirteen, say hello to Father, thanks, bye.”) and it sounded really serious and good, so he nodded wordlessly and sipped on his tea.

“Maybe I’ll just pretend I sleep”, Yuri continued.

“Let me know when you land”, Otabek requested, making Yuri nod. “And how it goes with Yakov and Lilia. If you need me, do not hesitate to contact me, I can be in St. Petersburg in half a day.” Again Yuri nodded, but it wasn’t enough for Otabek. “Honestly, Yuri, if you need me, I will come. Please keep that in mind.”

Hiding his blush behind the cappuccino glass the blonde nodded once more. “Thanks.”

“Are you nervous?”, Otabek asked after a moment of hesitating. “About talking to Yakov and Lilia?”

A shrug followed. “Not that much actually. I think that Victor is right, they can help me. I probably should have talked to them a long time ago. That would have saved me a lot of pain.” Putting the glass down he sat back, fiddling with his ring. “I guess they will be shocked at first, or disappointed or angry, but they are my coaches, they won’t push me away. I’m kinda confident that everything will turn out just fine, even if it might be a pain in the ass to get there. But I can fight. And I will, and it’s gonna be alright.”

Otabek nodded. “You’ve become very strong, Yuratchka.”

“That sounds like something Grampa would say as well”, the blonde commented smiling.

“He would be very proud of you.”

Yuri picked up his cappuccino. “Not yet”, he corrected him. “But soon.” He sipped on his drink with an absentminded smile, Otabek watching him wordlessly.

Some minutes after they had both finished their beverages another message from Victor came in. “Boarding started early”, Yuri, who had lingered in the seat like he wanted to become one with the padding, repeated the content of the message. “They went in already.”

“Shall we go downstairs then?”, the Kazakh offered, finished his tea and stood, but Yuri remained in his seat.

He looked up at him and hunched his shoulders. “I’m not ready yet.” His voice was a mere whisper, hard to hear with the voices and café sounds in the background. The green eyes drifted to the white traces the cream had left in the now empty glass. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.” Yuri chuckled lowly. From outside the café the boarding announcement for flight KC-916 to St. Petersburg could be heard. Sighing the blonde got up as well.

Otabek took the tray with their containers back to the counter receiving a surprised smile from the barrista girl preparing a coffee there, then they made their way to the gate.

The lobby wasn’t really crowded, obviously the plane would be half empty considering how few people dropped in at the luggage check. The streamers leading to the security personnel’s counters and screening boxes were red like Yuri’s sweater and the tip of his nose when the blonde came to a halt. They stood a moment in awkward silence, neither of them (especially not Otabek) sure of what to say. A group of five elderly women dressed in different states of cheetah print walked by, eying them with compassionate looks. Then Otabek heard one of them address Yuri with “Ah, young love can not be stopped by distance, Dear, you’ll come to understand when you are an old lady like me”, obviously mistaking Yuri for a girl and it broke the tension between them and they both chuckled.

“Yeah, thanks, ma’am”, the blonde said and the granny smiled, not even noticing Yuri’s low voice, before the group trotted away towards the gate. Yuri looked back at Otabek when they were gone, then made a quick step and threw himself around Otabek’s neck. “I already know she’s right”, he whispered. It was obvious from his voice that he was about to cry, but Otabek was the last to judge him, he felt the same.

“Keep me in your heart until we are reunited again”, Otabek said, holding the boy as close as two guys were allowed to, feeling Yuri’s wild nod.

“I won’t stop thinking of you for a second, I promise.” He sniffed, then added: “Thank you, Otabek. For everything.” He distanced himself from the Kazakh and smiled, crying. “I’ll write you when I’m home.”

Otabek nodded. He wanted to kiss him and it looked like Yuri wanted it too, but they couldn’t, so they looked at each other, Yuri biting his lip, Otabek grinding his teeth.

With a start Yuri turned to eventually head over to the gate, when Otabek grabbed him by the bony wrist, making him stop and turn around towards him only one step away. “Wait”, he said. The gleam in Yuri’s eyes became hopeful, and Otabek knew why. Yuri wanted him to kiss him. His tourmaline eyes shimmered from tears, his hair shone like white gold. And Otabek really wanted to do it, wanted to pull him back into his arms, press his lips on Yuri’s soft pink mouth, hold the skinny body close, show him how much he loved him, he _really_ wanted to do it, but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. There _was_ something he could do though. Something just as unmistakable.

“There is one thing I need to do”, he said. He took Yuri’s right hand in his both and looked down on it, then with shaking hands slid the ring from Yuri’s slender finger.

“What-”, Yuri gasped, but fell silent, when Otabek carefully took his left hand. His eyes widened.

The Kazakh’s heart stopped beating when he put the ring on Yuri’s left annular finger. He stared at the white gold around the porcelain skin, then slowly looked up to Yuri’s eyes. They were overflowing with tears, wetting the fair skin of the Russian Fairy’s cheeks. “Take care of yourself”, he said, letting go of Yuri’s hand.

“Okay.” The blonde’s voice broke, making the word only half a word. Another smile showed on his face. “See you soon, Otabek.”

“See you soon, Yuri.” He smiled.

He still smiled when Yuri went over towards the luggage check, turning around two times to wave at him and he waved back. He still smiled when Yuri was out of sight. He sat down in a seat next to the huge window from where you could see the planes taking off and noticed that his heart had started beating again some time ago. He was still smiling.

He received a text from Victor, who asked what he had done to the real Yuri, because this smiling, sobbing, beaming mess was certainly not him, along with an obviously secretly taken photo of the blonde lolling in the seat next to the plane window, holding his left hand close to his chest with an adorably honest smile while gazing out of the window, and Otabek felt that he was still smiling as well.

Yuri wrote him a short time afterwards. _Gotta turn the phone off.i’ll text you later. Take care :*_

Otabek answered: _I’m awaiting an incoming video call_ _tonight_ _. Fly safe. O._

The plane took off and Otabek watched it disappear in the blue sky, then got on the bus home.

It was a strange feeling to come back to his empty apartment. It was quiet and he didn’t know what to do at first, so he went from room to room taking in the silence. Yuri’s presence was still noticeable. Also he had left traces: a pair of tiger striped socks that had fallen under the bed. The toothbrush with the violet handle Otabek had provided him with. The green mug in the sink. A long, golden hair on the back rest of the sofa.

Otabek prepared tea, then sat on the sofa with it. The flight to St. Petersburg took six hours, then the two Russians and one Japanese had to claim their luggage, check out and take the train over to the city center. It would take until late night before he’d hear of Yuri.

After staring at his record shelf for the length of two cups of black tea Otabek noticed the gap. His vinyls were in strict order, so he could guess what was missing. He got up and looked for the thin cardboard cover of Smetana’s _My Country_ , but it couldn’t be found anywhere. Only after even peeking behind the shelf and under the record player (how would a vinyl end up _under_ the record player? He had no idea, but wanted to make sure it hadn’t somehow happened)  he remembered how Yuri had tiptoed to the living room earlier and returned to the corridor to close his suitcase. Laughing out lowly Otabek sat back on the sofa and admired the narrow gap between _Libuše's Judgement_ and _Venkovanka – The Country Woman._ He sent Yuri a _Smetana...?_ and laid down on the sofa, staring out of the window.

There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. He wondered if Yuri had seen the Balqash lake. He wondered if he really pretended to have fallen asleep to avoid Victor’s questioning. It was likely that Yuuri kept the silver-haired under control. So maybe Yuri was thinking of him now. Remembering some little things from the past week. The dino park for example. Or the Tram Café. The ferris wheel. The nightmare and how he had held Otabek close. How he had rested his head on Otabek’s lap and fallen asleep there. How he had traced the lines of his tattoo with his fingers in the locker room of the rink. How he had danced around the table when making piroshki. How Otabek had held him close the morning after the night out. How Otabek had kissed him the first time. How they had touched, how they had laughed, how they had cried. How they loved each other. How everything had finally worked out, somehow, and how everything would somehow be alright in the end.

“ _A Reason To Fight_ ”, he whispered the theme of his skating programs in the silence of his living room.

Otabek Altin, 19, from Almaty, Kazakhstan, had never been good with people to begin with. But on this peacefully quiet day in spring, lying on his sofa in his small but cozy apartment, he realized that there was only one person in the world he really wanted to be good with - and that he already was. He smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was it. I really hoped you liked my story. I enjoyed writing it a lot, although it was really hard bring everything to an end, and actually when I wrote that last paragraph I cried. It's like a child moving out (not that I have one lol) Then again I have been really looking foward to the scene with the ring and to reveal Otabek's theme (which turned out to be a little cheesy, but that is what Otabek is now after all) after months of imagining how to write it ^^'  
> I read over the whole story and corrected some minor spelling and wording mistakes and I'll update the whole fanfiction on the weekend, so if you have time and are in the mood, please read the revised version as well (I removed a lot of contractions in Otabek's lines already, he sounds super stoic and geeky now, I love it ^^)  
> Thank you all for your support, for hits and kudos and especially all your wonderful comments. I have many ideas for upcoming stories in this fandom (check out my tumblr at captainoceanwhirl.tumblr.com for the abyss of my fangirl soul), maybe we'll see each other again there!  
> Thank you all so much!


	29. Epilogue

“You took that too?”

Yuri couldn’t help but laugh about how serious Otabek’s face was. He nodded, his ponytail bouncing up and down from the motion.

“I have been looking for it.”

“And you couldn’t have guessed that I stole it?” Yuri tilted his head, still smiling.

With a shrug Otabek looked down the hallway. “I did not expect the Icetiger of Russia to be more of a Thieving Magpie.” The group of staff people disappeared around a corner and Otabek took a step closer, focusing on Yuri again.

“I missed you”, the blonde Russian said, all teasing completely gone from his voice and eyes. “It smelled like you in the beginning”, he added, tugging on the sleeves of the black sweater with the white square on it.

“I missed you too, Yuri.” Otabek’s voice had become a mere whisper when he leaned forward to place his lips on Yuri’s for a soft, way too short kiss.

From down the hallway some voices talking in Finnish could be heard and they brought a distance between them.

“You gained weight”, Otabek noticed, a blush coloring his ears in a light pink.

Looking down his still slender but more healthy looking body Yuri shrugged. “Yeah...”

“You are incredibly beautiful.”

With a groan Yuri hunched his shoulders. “Don’t say that when people are around.” The ice arena was busy with people especially the day before the competition after all, staff swarming around like busy bees to prepare the rink for the upcoming events. “Some might speak Russian here.”

“I am merely stating the obvious”, Otabek replied, as straightforward as ever. “Everyone can see how beautiful you are, no matter if they speak Russian or not.”

A violent blush showed on Yuri’s cheeks. “You’re such a sap, seriously, Otabek.”

The Kazakh wanted to say something, when Lilia’s voice could be heard from behind him: “Yuri Plisetsky, would you please stop bunking off like a stray cat and come to warm up for the final rehearsal?” She didn’t bother to march up to him, he could see her scowl even from the distance.

With a sigh he turned to follow her. “See you later?”

Otabek nodded wordlessly.

Yuri was almost at the corner where Lilia was waiting already, when he turned around and flashed Otabek a smile. “I bought a record player by the way!”, he exclaimed. “The same one that you have!” He winked and hurried to follow Lilia without waiting for an answer.

It had been three weeks since he had left Almaty behind, but he thought of his time there every day. He wore Otabek’s sweater, listened to Smetana, mixed cloves into his piroshki and looked up how to say ‘I love you’ in Kazakh.

Yakov had not been mad at him. He had shook his head, then pulled Yuri who had started to cry halfway through his multiple confessions again in a surprisingly gentle, parental embrace. “I’m proud of you”, he had said low voiced and patted Yuri’s hair carefully. When he had let go of him again Yuri noticed that Lilia next to him cried as well, wiping her eyes with trembling fingers in order not to ruin her makeup. “Don’t worry, Yuri”, Yakov had said. “I’ll handle that. You try to recover and don’t think about this issue any more.” He heard that in the end it took Yakov one single phone call to resolve the matter, but Yuri never got to know what the contents of this phone call had been and he was fine being left in the dark about that.

He went back to skating for Helsinki, both his coaches reducing the level of difficulty a lot so that he wouldn’t damage his joints. He had no chance to win Gold with this program, but he realized that for the first time he was fine with the thought of not winning. It reminded him of when Otabek had explained why he hadn’t changed his last program in Barcelona, and how Yuuri and Victor had told him that there were other things to life than gold medals and it felt like scales fell from his eyes. It was true. Love didn’t need gold. It all was so clear to him, now that he knew how to love and the realization made him burst into tears in the middle of training. Mila rushed over to him with a concerned “Hey, what’s wrong, Tiger?”, hugging him close, and seemed a bit irritated when all he could say was: “I’m so happy.”

He placed sixth in the short program. Otabek placed first. Literally everyone murmured comforting words in his direction, but he couldn’t care less. Otabek was perfect. Better even than when he had showed him his routines back in Almaty. When he exited the ice he gave Yuri a look that sent shivers down his spine.

“You’re so fucking sexy”, he whispered into the cold air, admiring the glint of tan skin the plain dark shirt with three undone buttons showed. Mila chuckled next to him.

They had an agreement not to have sex before they had both finished their free skate. “If I get sore this time they’ll have to invent a seventh place for me”, he had joked and Otabek had nodded in is very thoughtful way that he didn’t know dripped with sexappeal and almost drove Yuri crazy.

It was very hard for the Russian to hold back though. Otabek looked so incredibly hot in his black shirt, the sleeves rolled up to give sight on his forearm, the fashion emphasizing his slender waist. Yuri wanted him between his legs. His landings had been brutal, his jumps even higher than usual, the sound of his blades on the ice in perfect harmony with the heavy beat of the music. The routine had been violent. It aroused Yuri endlessly. The score the program came out with was ridiculously high making both Otabek and Aslan blink in disbelief. After a split second Otabek’s black eyes searched the line of seats for Yuri and when they found him he smiled so wonderfully honest that Yuri bit his lip in order not to rise from his seat and run over to him to tackle a kiss on this pretty lips. He nodded once in approval and tried not blush too hard.

“You guys are so cute”, Mila chirped and disheveled Yuri’s hair. He didn’t even complain.

The free skate was better. He watched Emil and Phichit who scored lower than him in the overall addition and then Victor and Yuuri who were so in love that they practically threw cherry blossoms and heart shaped soap bubbles throughout the hall with their matching programs. They both scored high. But not high enough that Otabek couldn’t wipe the floor with them.

They spared the davai. They looked at each other gliding out on the ice and what their eyes expressed was more than words could say.

Otabek’s costume had indeed been altered. The decoration part on the tight black short sleeved shirt as well as on the fingertips of the gloves wasn’t the light gold from the competitions before anymore but a glittering, gory, crimson red. It was frightening. It was stunning.

“Next up is Otabek Altin from Kazakhstan”, the announcer’s voice could be heard in English. The screens showed his score from the short program, his piece of music.

Yuri had learned what Otabek’s theme was just yesterday. “ _A_ _R_ _eason_ _T_ _o_ _F_ _ight_ ”, he had murmured before Yuri’s first program, his jaw clenched.

“So, you’ll bring gold to Kazakhstan eventually”, Yuri had said with a smile and the black-haired had looked at him, a deep stare out of eyes as black as the night and Yuri had wanted nothing more than kiss this stoic, handsome, wonderful man in front of him.

When the music started, low cello and whispering violins, Yuri inhaled shakily. Otabek had asked him to head over to the gable end of the rink, close to where the judges were seated, as the view would be the best there. He had gladly agreed, although his legs felt a little shaky.

Otabek started his choreography. It was different somehow, Yuri couldn’t put the finger on it, but Otabek’s intense movements, his grim expression that suited his theme perfectly, his loud, violent jumps, all more than perfect in their execution even for Otabek standards and the strings singing from the speakers, louder and louder, it all gave Yuri goosebumps. His fingers clenched into the margin board as he watched Otabek raising an arm in a quad, landing flawlessly, like he wasn’t human. The crowd cheered ecstatically but Yuri didn’t join in; he could only stare.

The step sequence made him lean forward in disbelief. He could hardly recognize the choreography he had seen only a few weeks ago.

When Otabek closed the sequence with another quad, his blades colliding with the ice, sending white slivers into the air, he finally understood.

“A reason to fight”, he whispered. The cello screamed it at him, along with the choir. Otabek’s eyes, so dark, so deep, so warm even in this Battle on the Ice, they made it clear, so in a breathless whisper he realized: “It’s me.”

After some more seconds the music stopped abruptly. Otabek stopped abruptly. He was facing him, on one knee. He had risen his right fistthat had been on his chest a heartbeat ago into the air with the last quarter note. The red of his glove and shirt glittered like fresh blood, like he had just ripped his heart out. He looked at Yuri with his pretty, serious face, breathing hard and Yuri could still only stare, only watch his beautiful boyfriend who had just confessed his love in the most extreme way. The crowd cheered like they were out of their mind. Yuri just couldn’t move. He saw how a drop of sweat fell from Otabek’s ridiculously sharp jaw line, how the Kazakh lowered his arm slowly. He smiled his tiny smile and his arm still outstretched opened his hand, like he wanted Yuri to pick up something from it.

He nodded. Once. Affirmative.

The smile becoming brighter Otabek got up to greet the audience, but Yuri didn’t see it. He hid behind his hands as he started to sob violently. Mila was there in a second, pulling him in a silent embrace, like she did so often lately and he was incredibly thankful.

Otabek won his first world championship gold medal on this day. Yuuri scored second, Victor third. Yuri came out to be fourth at least, still above Phichit in fifth and Emil in sixth. The Kazakh stood on the podium with a frown but upright and there was a feeling of peace surrounding him that made Yuri’s heart ache. When the medal hung from his neck he scrutinized it, then looked up with a smile. He looked at Yuri. He never looked at anyone but Yuri.

This time no one tried to pity Yuri, who hadn’t been on a podium for the first time in his life. He explained the low difficulty of his program to the media, told them about his growing pain and that he’d be back next season. When the team from the Russian national television finished their interview with him he waved to the camera with a bright smile and a “Hello Mama!”. Yakov chuckled behind him and it was the strangest sound ever.

He waited for Otabek in the hallway that led to the locker rooms. The Hero of Kazakhstan had a shit load of interviews to do. It gave Yuri time to brush his hair and tie it neatly again. He could have changed into casual clothes, but remained in his very tight black-and-gold costume that had gone well with his black swan performance as well as with his hair.

He looked up when he heard footsteps approach. The other skaters had been finished some time ago, having picked up their stuff from the locker room already to head back over to the hotel and get ready for the banquet.

Otabek froze.

“Sucks winning gold and giving so many interviews, right?”, Yuri greeted him and pushed himself away from the wall he had leaned against.

Otabek started walking again. “You did not have to wait for me.”

“Oh, don’t worry”, Yuri said with a lewd smirk. “I just wanted to congratulate you for your first worlds’ gold medal, Mr Altin.”

Otabek didn’t even look around to make sure that they were alone before pressing his mouth on Yuri’s. They stumbled back against the wall again, kissing hard.

Yuri’s hands reached for Otabek’s hips, pulling the Kazakh closer, deepening the violent, needy kiss. He felt the sharp bones and hard muscles under the fabric, tugged on him to get him even closer. Otabek’s hands grabbed his shoulders, his teeth and tongue and lips stealing his breath.

“Otabek”, he groaned into the kiss. They needed to stop, it wasn’t safe here, where any second someone could see them. He couldn’t let go of him though. It was paradox how he wanted to end the kiss and at the same time never wanted it to end.

Very suddenly Otabek took a step backwards, breathing hard, staring at him like he used to. Stern, dark, hungrily.

“In there”, Yuri said, grabbed Otabek’s hand and jerked the Kazakh into the locker room. He slammed the door shut and immediately felt Otabek’s lips on his again. The black-haired fumbled with the zipper on Yuri’s back nervously.

“Don’t break it”, Yuri panted against Otabek’s wet mouth.

“Turn around then”, the Kazakh demanded and it made Yuri gasp.

He found himself shoved chest first against the wall. The sound of the zipper as well as the chill air made him inhale noisily. He moaned when he after not more than half a second he felt Otabek’s hands and lips on his spine.

“Otabek”, he moaned, pressing his forehead against the wall. He was so hard already.

“What”, the Kazakh groaned against his skin, peeling the costume to the side and down Yuri’s bony shoulders.

“You feel so good”, he replied, sticking his butt out to lead Otabek’s attention towards this part of his body.

Otabek pushed the costume down Yuri’s arms, freeing the pale skin from the soft fabric. The tiny golden hairs on Yuri’s forearms stood upright immediately. The top part of the costume hung loose from the Russian’s hips, leaving his upper body bare. Otabek stepped back. When Yuri turned his head, he saw Otabek looking him up and down with a frown. He looked like he wanted to memorize every bit of Yuri’s body, learn him by heart. Yuri usually enjoyed that kind of attention from his boyfriend, but this was an ice rink so it was not exactly warm in the locker rooms either.

“Otabek”, he whispered, pressing his hands against the wall and making a hollow back.

“Hair”, the Kazakh said and Yuri obeyed, plucking the tie from his hair. It fell around his face, brushing his shoulders like a curtain of heavy whitish-golden silk.

Otabek groaned lowly and Yuri felt his hands in his hair only a moment later. The Kazakh sure loved the golden mess, Yuri noticed with a slight smile. Otabek buried his face in Yuri’s hair, pressed his hard, warm body against the Russian. The decoration on his shirt prickled and twinged on his bare skin, the medal felt heavy and cold – it was beyond arousing. When Otabek tugged on his hair he moaned loudly. “Please, Otabek!”

A moan escaped the Kazakh’s lips when he pressed his rock hard erection against Yuri’s backside. “Please what?”

Biting his lip Yuri rubbed his butt against Otabek’s crotch. “I need you”, he whispered.

Otabek hummed lowly, then Yuri felt the fabric of his costume pushed down until it hung between his knees. A shiver ran down his spine, but the Kazakh didn’t even give him a chance to complain about the temperature. He knelt down, pulled Yuri’s butt cheeks apart and made him moan loudly.

“Otabek!”, he whined, pressed himself against the warm, wet tongue. It felt incredibly good. Naughty, yes, dirty and lewd but so good! “Oh my God”, he whispered, then bit down on his left wrist to stifle his moans. He wouldn’t last long like that, he knew for sure. He had imagined how they’d reunite again, but this was more than he had dreamed of. Otabek was way more passionate than expected and what he did with his tongue was just incredible. Yuri felt the orgasm surge in his lower belly already and Otabek was still fully dressed!

“Fuck me!”, he spat, not even noticing the bite mark on his arm. “Seriously, I’ll get off right now if you don’t stop.”

Otabek withdrew his tongue from Yuri’s entrance and gave the flesh of his backside a squeeze with both hands. “Do you not want to come?”

A low growl came from Yuri’s throat. “Of course I want to come, but I want you to fuck my brain out before I do.”

Otabek got on his feet with a chuckle. “I think I can try to do that at least.”

His teeth were on Yuri’s neck in the blink of an eye, making the blonde moan. His neck had always been sensitive and Otabek had found out very fast that he could turn him into a horny mess within seconds like that. He used that knowledge repetitively and Yuri enjoyed every moment of it.

“I don’t have lube”, Otabek murmured close to his ear, but Yuri didn’t see the problem.

“I don’t give a shit”, he gave back. “Just prepare me properly, I want you inside me. I have been patient long enough.” It was true. Maybe Otabek could go without him for so long, the Kazakh was definitely that type, but Yuri wasn’t if his life depended on it. He had only survived those three weeks because he had forced Otabek to skype with him every single night, only to have his hand in his boxers as soon as the laptop was closed. He was a teenager after all, it was a wonder that he hadn’t molested Otabek on skype already. And their deal – although it had been Yuri’s idea – had only incited him.

He wanted Otabek, on a physical level, but more than anything on a mental level. He needed Otabek’s calm passion, his dark eyes, his steady hands, on his hips, on his ass, on his neck. When Otabek dominated him he could allow himself to be weak. And he enjoyed to be weak, a lot. All his life he had been forced to stand up for himself, to be strong, to never give up and it was grueling. But with Otabek he didn’t need to. He could let his guard down, could be small and thin and easy to break. Otabek could do that, break him. He was stronger than him, more mature, more experienced. Compared to him Yuri looked even more weak and he loved it. He wanted Otabek to be strong, because it only showed that he could protect Yuri. And there was no doubt that Otabek would do that, he had proven that already. He was perfect for him. Calm and dark, warm and vigorous, trustworthy and careful, but determined. He was probably the only person in the world who could handle both sides of Yuri, the tiger and the fairy. And Yuri loved him endlessly for that.

Two saliva-covered fingers made him hiss audibly. Otabek’s lips came back to his neck, his breath warm on Yuri’s skin, making the boy shiver. “Keep going”, he whispered, moaned when Otabek opened him up carefully. As usual it was painful in the beginning. But he had been through worse pain and he knew that it was worth it, if he just endured long enough. A third finger made him whine lowly.

Otabek, being the good soul that he was, stopped instantly. “Is it too much?”

Yuri breathed deeply. It eased the pain a little. “Not even close to enough”, he whispered and pressed himself against Otabek’s fingers. It still hurt, but he was getting used to it and it was worse with the fingers, he had learned that by now. The fingers were only skin and unpliable bones after all. Otabek’s cock on the other hand was nothing but pure bliss. “Please, Otabek”, he moaned.

A groan was to be heard, then Otabek withdrew his fingers from Yuri slowly and the Russian could feel him nestling with his pants, before he felt the soft tip pressing against his entrance. Without looking he knew what face Otabek made right now, frowning, letting saliva leak onto the spot where their bodies would soon become one. He felt the wetness right afterwards, then Otabek pressed inside.

They both moaned. It felt better than anything.

A week earlier Yuri had presented him the results from his blood test. “No drugs, no diseases”, he had declared proudly, holding the sheet in front of his laptop’s camera. After Yuri had brought up the issue Otabek had promised that they could do it without condoms if Yuri got himself tested. As a competitive athlete the task had been completed in less than two weeks. “I’m perfectly fine and ready to do anything you want to do to me now.” He had blushed and Otabek as well, even visible with the shitty resolution of Otabek’s old camera.

Yuri had read that it was an entirely different feeling without a condom, that it felt a lot better. They had all been right. It was a thousand times softer, warmer, provided more friction as Otabek thrust into him slowly and carefully. It was incredible.

“More!”, he begged, moving against Otabek’s thrusts.

The black-haired chuckled, his voice raspy and already a little higher pitched than usual. “So greedy...” He gave Yuri what he wanted nevertheless, his thrusts becoming harder, deeper.

Yuri supported himself with his hands against the wall, his cheek pressed against the cold concrete, whispering “More, more” until Otabek fucked him so hard that he couldn’t even form this one word anymore.

The Kazakh’s moaning and panting had become louder, the pitch of his voice rising a little more, whenever he whispered Yuri’s name.

The Russian could tell that Otabek was so close already. He loved hearing that voice from his boyfriend, knew that it was now only a few moans and whispered words until he would spill it all. Only this time Yuri would take it all in.

“Please,”, he whined, “please, Otabek. I need it. I need you. Fill me up.”

“Yuri!” A stretched groan and then the Kazakh clung to his hips, shaking violently, his face in Yuri’s mane.

Yuri came as well, staining the wall and the floor. He didn’t care. He had not even once touched his own erection, but it had been enough. The mere thought of Otabek getting off inside him was arousing enough; the actual occurrence was overwhelming.

Panting Otabek breathed soft kisses on his neck and shoulder.

Cum was dripping from Yuri’s softening erection as he still leaned against the wall. He felt perfectly happy.

After a moment Otabek moved. “I love you”, he whispered, then pulled out carefully. “I don’t have tissues”, he then murmured, pulling his pants back up so that he wouldn’t catch his legs in them.

Yuri shrugged, then bent down to get his own costume back in order. “No problem, I’ll change underwear later.” Two drips of semen had fallen on the fabric, but it was on the inside, so he just wiped it away carelessly and pulled it up to the waist so he could walk over to his bag.

Otabek stopped him by grasping his wrist. His eyes were deep and dark, a blush clung on his cheekbones. “I missed you”, he whispered, embarrassed.

With a smile Yuri bent forward to kiss him. “I missed you too”, he replied, low voiced, then kissed him again. “Thank you.”

Otabek chuckled (Yuri loved when he did that, because he only did that for him), then let go of him and they turned towards their bags.

After they had changed – Yuri in black leggings and the tiger sweater the Katsuki-Nikiforovs had given him as a birthday present; Otabek in jerseys and a really cool hoodie with two short zippers on both sides of the hem that Yuri decided to get a hold of as soon as there was an opportunity – they shared one more kiss before making their way outside.

Yuri opened the door and stood petrified, making Otabek who was close behind him bump into him.

One of Lilia’s thin, thoroughly shaped eyebrows rose in slow motion. “Yuri Petrovich Plisetsky”, she said. Her voice sounded like she was summoning a really powerful demon. She had never called him by his full name before, _never_. She seemed to be extremely pissed and Yuri could hardly breathe.

She must have found out. She must have seen them together, maybe even heard them. He had been so loud, Otabek had made him be so loud, she must have heard everything. Panic rose in Yuri’s throat making him want to throw up. ‘We are screwed’, he thought, ‘there’s no excuse for that, we are so fucking screwed!’ It should have remained a secret. The last of his secrets, the one that would remain. He should have been more careful. How foolish to wait for Otabek in the hallway where the whole world could see them, and even more foolish to let himself lose control like that. He was such an idiot! He could have waited until they arrived at the hotel, but – no! - he had been so desperate for Otabek, so impatient that he had not been cautious. And now they’d pay the price. He had disappointed all of Russia in this competition, only to be caught red-handed in a sexual act with another man. What a scandal!

“I can explain-”, he began, but Lilia didn’t even bother to pay attention.

She shot Otabek who audibly gasped a deadly scowl. “And you!” She looked him up and down. “Otabek Altin.” It still sounded like a summoning. “You both can thank the Holy Mother that I arrived here before some stray photographer chased after you. It’s not my job to stand guard for you, so after _that_ right now”, she gestured towards the locker room, “I expect a lot more discretion from the both of you, am I understood?”

Yuri nodded quickly and Otabek murmured “Yes, Madam” behind him.

She snorted, turned away. “I await you in appropriate condition for the banquet”, she said, marching down the hallway, then added: “And congratulation for your gold medal, Otabek” and then disappeared around the corner.

Yuri stared after her flabbergasted. After a moment he felt Otabek taking his hand. “What the fuck”, he whispered, squeezing the Kazakh’s fingers softly.

Otabek sounded just as shocked. “Did she just… Is she...”

“She’s covering up for us”, Yuri said, slowly, then he chuckled. It got stuck in his throat when he felt a weird sensation tickling down the back of his tights.

It must be visible on his face as well, Otabek looked at him concerned. “Is everything alright?”

Blushing hard Yuri nodded. “Yeah, it’s just...” He shrugged embarrassed. “It oozes out...”

 

 

~The End.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small present for everyone who followed this story. Thank you all for your support, you are all awesome!!


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